What happens, when you don’t practice Self Care?

What happens, when you don’t practice Self Care?..

So… I am really great at asking for prayer for others; my dad, Summer Grace, ect….. I am great at advocating for my clients and making sure they do self care go to their doctor appointments and follow up visits…. as a mom I bend over backwards to ensure Summer gets to all her appointments when she had all her surgeries….

I failed to do that for myself… I was hospitalized several years ago after a bad spell of diverticulitis. I was told then I had a severe case of it and surgery was discussed. I was not a fan of surgery and my infection was too severe at the time to do surgery. I also did not like the talk of a colostomy bag, so that scared me into watching my diet for a few years and keeping things under as much control as possible. However being in my 20s…. not following up as I should with the follow up appointments has not helped things.

It landed me back in the hospital Friday with advanced diverticulitis and a perforated colon. I am very lucky I could have become septic and things could be so much worse. I am very aware! How lucky I am…. I got 6 rounds of IV antibiotics, I go back in 2 weeks for follow up and surgery once the infection is under control.

My CT scan also showed a mass on my right kidney. There is so much going on with my colon they aren’t focused on this right now.

I tell my clients all the time and family members of support groups… if you dont stop to take care of YOU… how can you give or care for the ones you love? We role model for our loved ones!

As I took off from being at the board of nursing this week to care for my dad, I did not hesitate because it was important. But we were talking in his room one day my dad and mom she was struggling with her guilt over not being at work. We talked about that… our strong work ethic, How my dad tried to get her to go home one night to sleep; and I would stay with him or he even said he would be fine. She refused to leave him. She laughed and reminded him that he was the man that never missed a day of work! Or how I would not leave them at the hospital, or how when things turned…. and I found myself admitted…on Friday…

I found myself struggling, I knew Wednesday night I should have gone to the ER, I waited till my physical appointment with my PCP on Thursday, I didn’t want to miss work on Thursday…. Then Friday… I struggled to get my CT scan… I didn’t want to miss a meeting for work… I left the office for the CT scan so I could make the meeting…. then went back to get the scan…..

Always focused on meeting… someone else’s need… I am not sure it is a selfless thing as much as it is maybe a; distraction! Sometimes there is a motivational factor in knowing someone is counting on you or needing you…. (my clients that was definitely the case when Summer was diagnosed with her AVM & mass and I was dealing with all those surgeries ect… it kept me going so often!)

A way of avoiding what we might not be ready to face, or address within ourselves, ourlives maybe…

But the thing is….

God….
Has this way….
Of eventually…. wearing you down!
And getting your attention.
You can’t avoid your fears!

You can ONLY
Face them!

Eventually…
I am going to get this self care stuff right 😉‼

My Faith….
Has already moved mountains…
Brought me through more obstacles in life than most people have encountered…..
I have never taken the easy path in life….
Stubborn…. that way…. slow learner!
But….
I do learn!
I do adapt!
I do rise above!
This….
Is just another life lesson….

A new chapter is about to begin!

#jenz #jenzphelps #momentslikethese #lettinggo #diverticulitis #kidneymass #perforatedcolon #infection #phototherapy #randomphotoshelpbreakuptheday #healing #selfcare #mindfulness #healthycopingskills #love #emptyyourmind #findingmyjoy #thestruggleisreal #feedmysoul #truth #faith #prevention #earlydectationiskey

Rebuilding

It is amazing how the mind will heal the body and spirit when properly attended to…. when you give yourself proper self care, distance, space, and perspective needed…. your soul and body want yo be free and unburdened by the weight of all that baggage you choose to carry about with you!
It’s a beautiful thing in life…
When you learn…
How to lighten your load….
Mentally, emotionally, physically…..
Its just hard and takes a lot of practice and support to keep from picking that baggage back up again!

#healing #selfcare #mindfulness #healthycopingskills #love #emptyyourmind #findingmyjoy #thestruggleisreal #embraceyourself #findingmybliss #livingmybestlife #overlookingmyflaws #lettinggoofthepast #followingmymoralcompass #seekinglifeslessons #gratitude #findingmypeace #jenz #jenzphelps #feedmysoul #beautifullybroken #rebuilt

This!

This!
We talk about ethics, morals, our faith…. we debate, critique, judge or worse…. stand by and do nothing at all!

But what has God called you to do?… and more importantly, are you acting on it? Are you speaking up? When you hear misinformation? Or see someone treated wrongly? Do you stop and offer a helping hand when you can? Or do you…. pass them by?

What will your legacy be?
What seeds will you have sown at the end of your time on this journey in life?

Will anyone remember, how you treated them? And was it kind?….. with love? Was it free of judgement? Unconditionally and uplifting?….
As YOU would want or Hope for when you one day…. Find yourself down on the bottom in need?

Did you show empathy without judgement?

Did you….. Find your purpose in life? And better yet? Have you begun to fill that purpose?……

It’s not too late…. to help someone today, or change your path!

I personally do not believe, we were put on this earth to strive to make a trillion dollars…. I do, however believe we were put here to impact those around us!
To help those in need, within our means!

We are as a collective whole social beings, we need each other…
#ittakesavillage #communitycollaboration #togetherwearestronger (Not my photo credit unknown)

Perspective

#morningstorm #stormyweather #ourlynchburg #randomphotoshelpbreakuptheday #godscanvas #nobodypaintslikegod #phototherapy #jenzphelps #jenz #feedmysoul #shelter #prespective #countyourblessing #findingmybliss #foodforthought #emptyyourmind #healing #lettinggo
Perspective
I woke up to the sound of the storm…
My first thought was…
I hope my clients that are homeless have shelter… That statement right there, sorta puts all of life into perspective.
No matter, your pain, your hurt, your wounds… Do you have a warm bed?
Did you have a hot meal?
Warm bath this week?
Do you have a roof over your head?
A job to go to?
Then… life isnt quite as bad as it was 1 minute ago…
Right?!
You have tools….
To make things better….
Tools to help you heal you pain,
Get through your hurt…
And
Heal your wounds!
Perspective….
God has a way.. .
Of talking to us .
When we listen!
Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

Time will tell…

If you love someone…. set them free, they say!

If it is meant to be….

They will come back to you!

Question is….

Will you, still be, waiting?….

Or

Will you have, evolved….

Beyond them?

Will that window,

Simply have closed?

If so…. guess it was never,

Truly…. meant to BE!

#jenz #jenzphelps #momentslikethese #thestruggleisreal #love #emptyyourmind

CROSSROADS OF PAIN

CROSSROADS OF PAIN

I thought if I could love you enough in our 40s….
You would love me like you did when we were 16!
The love you showed me, when we were kids!
The friendship we had!
The bond, that carried us through childhood….
I pushed you away…. back then!
I didn’t know what to do with all that love you had to give!
I honestly…. didn’t really understand it!
I wasn’t even sure, I was worthy!
Your friendship…..
Carried me… out of some of my darkest places in life, over the years.
It was the light in your eyes,
The light in your smile,
The warmth from your hugs….
That I clung to!
I never had to say, too many words…
I could always rest assured….
Your eyes… were upon me!
There was such, comfort in that!

I never really felt the loss of you,
Over the years….
I carried you with me…
In my mind, heart, thoughts…
You were never too far away!
There was always, comfort in that.

I always felt I was in your heart!
I never questioned where I stood…
Because you made sure of that!
You always made me a priority….
At least… to my knowledge…
At least …. when I was around!
You made me feel…..
Valued! Unique! Like noone or nothing could ever replace; what we had!
It was ours… and ours alone!

When all the world was going bad!
I always… had that!
You!
My one great, memory!
My one great moment in life!

So why in our 40s….
Did we destroy… the one great thing we had?
The one perfect moment from life untouched from all the chaos life tends to add?
Why now in my 40s…
Am I finally ready to love you….
Yet you… run scared?

Why now in our 40s…
did you reach back out?
Why now in our 40s…
Do we find ourselves no longer able to communicate?
Why now in our 40s….
Does it all become so complicated?

Why now?
Can I no longer feel your presence with me?

Why now?
Do you no longer make time for me?

Why now?
Am I no longer special to you?

Do you have any idea how that kills my spirit?
Do you ?…
When all I can think of and do is put your needs first!

I will never understand the road maps God hands out!
I get he has picked out each individuals finall destination….
But….
Never in my wildest dreams,
Would I imagine the levels of anguish and pain, one would have to endure…
Just to walk there!

I am tired….
I am so tired of hurting!
I am exhausted to be honest!
It never seems to end.

I really don’t understand anymore,
No matter how many times, I read the map….
How many times, I look at the key…
How many times, I stay on the path!
Go off the path, stay true, follow my moral compass, do the right thing, time and time again…….

I find myself……
Right…. back….. here!
Standing
In
The
Crossroads
Of
Pain!

#jenz #jenzphelps #momentslikethese #lettinggo #artistherapeutic #love #hope #faith #lovehurtssometimes #findingmybliss #feedmysoul #findingmyself #thestruggleisreal #embraceyourself #emptyyourmind

Drowning Here

I am drowning…..

I am struggling to keep afloat.

You just hit me with a fatal blow!

Yes it is true…

I am human after all!

Hypocrisy, flaws, & all!

I am not perfect!

I never asked you to put me on the glass shelf!

I love how you flipped everything….

Back onto me!

Never once…

Did you…

Own your crap!

I at least was honest!

I could at least admit my flaws!

Own I was wrong!

Admit… I too am human!!!

You say, I have lost myself?

Perhaps that is true!

I lost it somewhere…..

Trying to help you!

I lost myself in completely loving you!

You are absolutely, correct about that!

I heard you…

Loud & clear!

I hear you even when you are silent as a mouse!

I know you….

All to well….

That is why,

It hurts so damn much!

I am drowning….

Over here….

You are just to removed to care!

You felt violated?

How do you think…..

I feel? Still?……..

You have a very narrow view of the world sometimes.

You say, pride is bad, but when I swallow my pride and tell you….

I am bleeding from my soul…..

You turn your back!

When I needed,

That conversation!

You just avoid, deny, deflect…..

I am trying to learn, understand, & heal!

I see everything we once were….

Being ripped to shreds…

Right before my eyes!

I can’t even stop it!

I hate it!!!

Because when all is said & done…..

There is only… one you!

Only… one us….

We have that history!

I hate seeing it…. end this way!!!

#phototherapy #jenzphelps #jenz #feedmysoul #surrender #love #emptyyourmind #hope #faith #friendship #lovehurts #randomphotoshelpbreakuptheday #healingwithin #drowning #emotionalism #emotions

Seasons of Change

We go through seasons….. in 2017… I was at the height of my weight! I had been in a high stress job for over 10 years, with a stressful work environment. I had been dealing with Summers medical problems, her brain surgeries, doctors appointments, started back college, doubled majored and the bottom left photo was taken my graduation from Liberty on 5-17-2017…. The right lower corner was in 2013. Haley sent me the lower left two photos today… showing me the difference!

I don’t know who that girl is from 2017!

I do however, know how I got here today! A friend, woke me up! He pulled me up from a fog I was living in…. So detached from everything, so focused on work, school…. I was keeping busy to avoid living!

It was my way of coping with the things going on with Summer that I wasn’t able to control!

God has a way of bringing people into our lives, to help us, teach us lessons… we might be focused… thinking WE are helping them!

When in fact….

God is using them… to do miracles; in our lives! I am grateful… for the lessons, life & God bring me…

Even when… often: I struggle to understand his timing of them.

#momentsintime #feedmysoul #truth #faith #love #emptyyourmind #findingmyjoy #selfcare #jenz #jenzphelps #findingmybliss #livingmybestlife #overlookingmyflaws #lettinggoofthepast #followingmymoralcompass #seekinglifeslessons #gratitude #friendship

I fell for every cliche you threw at me…

I fell for every cliche you threw at me… Like some lost love sick puppy!

You will never truly understand the anger I have at myself for that!

The anger that builds in me for you!

They say… you go through stages of grief …. mourning, if you will…

I guess the initial shock… has warn off!

I go from worry…. to anger, at the rate of a mock 2 jet engine taking off!

There’s a fire inside me….

Burning so hot!

It boils….

My veins feel, like molten lava are flowing inside them!

There is a constant movie reel now playing inside my head….

24-7….

Staring…. You!

And the fall out… of your mass self destruction!!!

You scream….

How, not one person cares!

How you feel so shattered inside …

Yet… truth is!

You are this deceptive lighthouse…

Drawing us all in…..

Its everyone around you…. that is broken and shattered…

As we draw in close to reach out… as you pull us in with your lies and deceptions ! Such a tangled web you weave….

How many prey…. Have you caught? In that web of yours?

I should have known better!

I was supposed to be smarter than this!

I knew of you charm… I knew!!!

I watched you… spin your web since we were kids! I knew all the tricks!

You went too far!

My emotions are like the angry sea…..

They just want to lash out at you right now! My spirit & soul just don’t have the heart or energy for it…. it just seems pointless ; to be honest.

Besides…..

What point would there be? The damage done…. has…. been done! You took the most valuable piece of me… My trust…. My Love, my heart! The very thing I have held onto…. You were freely given….. it cost me dearly…. And you…. just!…. discarded anything we built…. that Foundation of friendship… our bond, I thought was so soiled… so strong!

You disregarded it….. as if…. it were a hobby…. you simply got bored with! Tossed aside…. Until… you needed it again ….. Until…… I…. Found out… Until… my eyes were truly opened… to what… my instincts…. knew!

I was always…. living..

In a day dream….. when it came to you!a memory… of our past! That you… have now… trashed!

Beautifully Broken…

Today…. was a much needed, s#selfcare, family time and all around Good day!

I realized something today; for the first time in 3 years, you did not enter my thoughts! You did not consume my day, with worry and anguish. I was at peace!

I found joy again, for the first time in a very long time. I smiled, laughed, felt carefree, light hearted throughout an entire day! There were no tears, no heavy sighs, no holding my breath with worry. There was no, anxiety at all! I am starting to like the new version of life, without you!

It was never that… I needed you! It was that… I allowed myself to love you. Love you completely, unconditionally, and without reservations. I trusted you completely… Something I never allowed myself to do before.

Something…. I may, never do again!

Today I realized that, just maybe… we are ALL born, Beautifully Broken…

Perhaps the purpose of life; is as we find our way, we mend those cracks, heal those wounds, and maybe it’s the light inside us that shines through our Broken cracks and pieces, that allows others to find us, perhaps even helping us to heal… mending those cracks…

Those pieces that fall by the way side… maybe… just maybe! They are the missing pieces; that are meant to be found by others, we meet on our journey in life… perhaps!

The fallen pieces… are meant for them?… Maybe God designed it all that way!

Maybe… All the hurt, saddness, anger, pain, and suffering we feel inside; is meant to carve out pieces from ourselves, meant to fall off by the wayside, just waiting,…. Perhaps those pieces… now belong to someone else… Maybe…

Just May…. God; was carving out space… to fill you with something far more beautiful; than we ever imagined!

Perhaps by the end… When all is said and done, all the hurt, pain, suffering, was really just preparing us… For something … Something that will make us whole!

Perhaps…. we truly are… Beautifully Broken ; by Gods own design!

Today…. I left a few pieces…. of my hurt, suffering, & pain…. by the wayside!

I started walking again, on my path…. to becoming…. Whole!

#selfcare #emptyyourmind #findingmyjoy #findingmybliss #livingmybestlife #overlookingmyflaws #lettinggoofthepast #followingmymoralcompass #seekinglifeslessons #healing #lettinggo #healthycopingskills #love #hope #faith #friendship #momentsintime #momentslikethese #makingmemories #family #sisterhood #familytime❤️ #phototherapy #randomphotoshelpbreakuptheday #jenz #jenzphelps #feedmysoul #beautifullybroken