Surgery canceled…. mixed emotions!

Today…

Mixed emotions….. about learning today my surgery has been canceled…. due to CVOID-19!  Sorta relieved… I was dreading going in for surgery at the predicted peak hit of CVOID-19 to our local hospital…. but also…. sorta… conflicted… part of me as calm as I am was also anxiously ready to get this mass out, from inside me…. my doctor has no control over this… anymore than I do… I just have to keep faith! Everything will work itself out… as it should,  in the end!

Perhaps this is a Blessing in disguise…. Time will tell…. #cvoid-19 #godstiming #kidneycancer #kidneytumors #feedmysoul #truth #faith #love #emptyyourmind #hope #truthbetold #lettinggo #jenz #jenzphelps

#letgooftheworry

Overlooking My Flaws

So much has changed…. in just one year!  I am trying to embrace it all….
So much has changed in just…. a few days!
I am trying to accept… it all!
So much…. change!

Life is ever evolving!
Ever changing…..
In order to survive….
We too…
Must change!
Adapt!
And evolve!
Problem is….

We do not always want to!
We …. get complacent…
We become, comfortably numb!

We do not want to change or evolve!
Because that forces us outside our comfort zone!

I am trying to learn how to embrace my flaws!
I am trying to not strive for this pretense of false perfection!
I am trying to just survive!

Maybe…
Just manybe…
Somewhere…
In that journey….
On that path….
I will find….
Happiness!

I will find acceptance….
I will find…
What it is….
I so truly….
Seek!

#emptyyourmind #findingmyjoy #selfcare #jenz #jenzphelps #feedmysoul #embraceyourself #overlookingmyflaws

Embrace the hurt never Linger….

One of the best quotes I have seen…. something I tell clients daily is this! You won’t move on until you are ready!  You won’t  stop using or drinking until you are ready. You will live in the pain and try to mask it for as long as Society keeps pushing you to ignore it…. or…  you can live in the pain…. embrace it…. till you are done with it…  be hurt… be mad… get angry! Just never get stuck there!

Sometimes…. we ALL get stuck!

Sometimes…. we ALL need someone to pull us back into the Light!

Thank God, for those people!

But… never STAY… Living in the pain….. 

Never… get lost to the pain!

Feel it for as long as you need to….

Then….
Remember…..
Release it!
Never hold on to it too tightly!
It wasn’t meant to stay and linger….
That is where Hope and Love belong!

#jenz #jenzphelps #feedmysoul #beautifullybroken #rebuilt #emptyyourmind #findingmyjoy #selfcare #truth #thestruggleisreal

No Words

I am just….

Over life right now! The universe in general…. I should not be shocked really…. its really, classic….

Boring!

But predictably classic!

So many things…. I could say… But what would be the point?

The desire is always greater for the things we cannot have?

I have noticed that throughout life. The things we are allowed to have seem to not appeal to us. They are no longer shiny and new?

As soon as something or someone denies us…. we now become determined to master this thing! Or we find ourselves compelled to win its affections. I have done it myself, I see my clients do it daily!!! I have seen my friends and family do it. No one is without falling into this trap!

So why is that? Why are our brains wired this way? Why do we chase after the very things that reject us? That tear down our self worth? That do not validate the very essence of who we are?

We are born worthy! We are innately loved and worthy of recieving love in return…. each and everyone of us. Not one person truly stands out greater than another…. we are all truly on equal footing once you remove the flesh!

So why?

What compels us to seek out what rejected us?

Isn’t that THE Question?!! To most of lifes problems?

I have a theory….

That most of us….

Do not know what happiness truly looks like!

We have no real idea how to BE happy with ourselves, much less accepting of someone else’s acceptance of us.

So we run scared when we meet the very thing we so desperately crave! We never thought it truly existed. We are often in shock if we find it. Sometimes we do not even recognize it if we do.

We see it and we do not know what to do with it! So we turn and we run!

We hope it will fade or go away or work itself out. We put up walls and barriers to protect ourselves. We suddenly feel vulnerable….

This is a new, odd sensation for many!

We don’t trust it. So we run! We run from it because it must not be real. It. was too easy. We have been taught in life, things must be hard!

We go through our entire lives trying to make sense of the unknown…. trying to force connections. When we meet the real thing…

We freeze! We react poorly and we simply fail to believe in ourselves enough to believe we deserve such a gift in life!

So we settle… so often we settle for less then Everything we deserve!

#truth #feedmysoul #jenz #jenzphelps


		

Feeling the weight of life

This week has been a struggle to be honest…. physically! Mentally…. There is a shift in the air around me..and I can sense it, down to my very core!

My energy levels have been off! I don’t like this feeling…. of being tired and drained…. my mind… has a thousand things, going on at once…. This week… my body can’t seem to keep up!

It’s an odd sensation… feeling your body turn against you. Knowing there is a mass growing inside you… Trying to re-focus on life and other more vital things..

Life surely has such an odd timing….

Sometimes, I have to sit back and laugh.. I think.. I must have lived some crazy life in the past. To have warranted me this one. This particular journey. SURELY I am suppose to be learning some important life lessons that I must be forgetting!

We do not get the fairytales!

But then again… who wants that? How dull and mundane would that world be? I prefer life’s woes and Joy’s. Its hills and valleys… I want the storms and rains… along with the blue skies and sunny days…. I thrive on the diversity and mixture of emotions!

I want it all!

That has always been my problem….

I never want to give up….. anything!

So scared of being trapped… Trapped by my choices! That I always keep my options open…..

That can be a trap… of it’s own kind!

#jenz #jenzphelps #momentslikethese #lettinggo #healing #selfcare #mindfulness #reflections #emptyyourmind #thestruggleisreal #feedmysoul #faith

Black & White

Sometimes the easiest way to see the change… is to strip away all the chaos.  Sit alone in the dark, and listen to your inner voice!  See the world with fresh eyes and perspective.  Sometime, the easiest way to see the world… is in Black and White!

I can sit comfortably alone with my truths,  my paths, my journeys and myself…. I know who I am and where I have been in this world.
I know myself… I am evolving,  ever learning and ever changing…. But I am always honest about where I am in life and what path and journey I am on!

I can own my TRUTHS….
Even when I do not like them…. For they simply are facts…. Stepping stones for me to build upon!

As the rain pours down tonight… Can you…?
Reach within yourself….
And truly own….
The path you are on?

#momentsintime #feedmysoul #truth #emptyyourmind #findingmyjoy #thestruggleisreal #embraceyourself #findingmybliss #mindfulness #seekingbalance #jenz #jenzphelps #phototherapy #randomphotoshelpbreakuptheday #blackandwhitephotography #blacknwhitephoto #truthbetold

Worry

When all the thoughts inside my head come to a stop. When I finally empty out the cup. When I try so hard to escape from life’s realities…. I find myself, yet again…. Alone with my thoughts!

#jenz #jenzphelps #emptyyourmind

Tonight I didn’t think of HIM…. I thought of You!

#randomphotoshelpbreakuptheday #streetphotography #photography #phototherapy #healing #progress  For the first time in over 4 years I drove past his house on the way to work… I didn’t think of him! Worry about him! Wonder about  him! There is such freedom in that! A peace from within my soul that never was there before… 

Thanks to you! You will never truly,  know… how much I value that. #respect #feedmysoul #truth #faith #friendship #momentsintime #healingjourney #unwindtherestlessmind #emptyyourmind #findingmyjoy #embraceyourself
#thankyou

Libra Scales…. you are failing me!!!

New Moon is reeking havoc on me! Bring back my balance! When will my life ever return to some state of balance?

I so do not understand… My heart was in a billion pieces. Those pieces burned like acid eating through my soul. The only thing, that seem to ease that pain… was you! The fact we were both in a similar place! That we could identify with; in that state of mind… among other things.

I was no longer alone…. I saw your pain… and I knew it! It was mirrored back at me…

That pain, didn’t seem to matter, as life progressed. That pain, could not hold a candle to the comfort you gave me. The friendship, I found in you…. The conversations, and interests we shared…

I started to forget about… HIM….

I started to forget, and my pain… each time you were around.

For the first time… in my life….

I no longer… saw: a life that could only be lived with… HIM!

I….

I started, looking forward, to talking to you!

I wanted to learn more about… You!

That was not…. something, I had planned!

And… NOW!

Back…. to dead silenece…….

I know…. that was, my doing…. BUT

I can admit….. I have grown dependent on our newfound friendship…..!

Yet… my mind, is still racing ….

My heart… is off kilter!

And there is a pause between us, that never existed before! And I hate that!!

And… there is NOTHING.. I can do!

Libra scales…. where is the balance in my life? What happened to my share of harmony, peace, love, and happiness? And sleep…. I am trying… I am trying to heal! Trying to let it go! Put it out of my mind…. But well, that is just not a easy thing to do! You left an impression.

Dear Life;

Something has got to give; soon!

#emptyyourmind #thestruggleisreal #feedmysoul #seekinglifeslessons #seekingbalance