Beautifully Broken…

Today…. was a much needed, s#selfcare, family time and all around Good day!

I realized something today; for the first time in 3 years, you did not enter my thoughts! You did not consume my day, with worry and anguish. I was at peace!

I found joy again, for the first time in a very long time. I smiled, laughed, felt carefree, light hearted throughout an entire day! There were no tears, no heavy sighs, no holding my breath with worry. There was no, anxiety at all! I am starting to like the new version of life, without you!

It was never that… I needed you! It was that… I allowed myself to love you. Love you completely, unconditionally, and without reservations. I trusted you completely… Something I never allowed myself to do before.

Something…. I may, never do again!

Today I realized that, just maybe… we are ALL born, Beautifully Broken…

Perhaps the purpose of life; is as we find our way, we mend those cracks, heal those wounds, and maybe it’s the light inside us that shines through our Broken cracks and pieces, that allows others to find us, perhaps even helping us to heal… mending those cracks…

Those pieces that fall by the way side… maybe… just maybe! They are the missing pieces; that are meant to be found by others, we meet on our journey in life… perhaps!

The fallen pieces… are meant for them?… Maybe God designed it all that way!

Maybe… All the hurt, saddness, anger, pain, and suffering we feel inside; is meant to carve out pieces from ourselves, meant to fall off by the wayside, just waiting,…. Perhaps those pieces… now belong to someone else… Maybe…

Just May…. God; was carving out space… to fill you with something far more beautiful; than we ever imagined!

Perhaps by the end… When all is said and done, all the hurt, pain, suffering, was really just preparing us… For something … Something that will make us whole!

Perhaps…. we truly are… Beautifully Broken ; by Gods own design!

Today…. I left a few pieces…. of my hurt, suffering, & pain…. by the wayside!

I started walking again, on my path…. to becoming…. Whole!

#selfcare #emptyyourmind #findingmyjoy #findingmybliss #livingmybestlife #overlookingmyflaws #lettinggoofthepast #followingmymoralcompass #seekinglifeslessons #healing #lettinggo #healthycopingskills #love #hope #faith #friendship #momentsintime #momentslikethese #makingmemories #family #sisterhood #familytime❤️ #phototherapy #randomphotoshelpbreakuptheday #jenz #jenzphelps #feedmysoul #beautifullybroken


Never Thought I Would Be Here!

I never thought I would find myself here…. in this space in this place in life. NOBODY ever really plans on being here… finding themselves in love with an addict!

Truth is noone ever wakes up; with the life goal or dream of becoming a addict. A person of addiction; substance use disorder…. A disease that reaks havoc on not only the person; the family, loved one, the community, literally impacts everyone and everything around them! The ripple effect is neverending…

There comes a point when you find yourself in so deep; torn between loving them and trying to love yourself that you feel so isolated. You feel you have noone to turn to, to open up to, to talk to! Everyone has an opinion! Often filled with judgement and negative feedback of the addict. The term addict alone has a negative implication! It dehumanizes the person of addiction…. It’s how we use the word! Our friends words; OUR words, carry weight!

I have been to a few support groups; AlaNon, I have openly shared in a few. Some in my own family support group SFAMI sometimes… I found myself gaurded. Limiting myself to what I said, so careful to protect the person I love’s identity. Always so mindful of his family…. so concerned about their welfare… never thinking really about my own! My own mental health, that is… I was however; mindful of my own, position. As someone working in the field of addiction. How will this look? What will; clients think? Let’s be honest… those thoughts did and do run through my head…

But reality is… 1 in 5 are affected by mental illness or addiction! That is reality! There is NO social economic limitation on who or when or what age or race this falls to. So truth is; Why not me?… Right?

I reached out to many when I struggled carrying the burden alone. The words for help sometimes fell flat in my throat! It was too painful to speak of. I felt, if I talked… I myself… would break! (Starting to feel a little too familiar… I think I just went through the mother of all melt downs 17 years in the making… for kot speaking out! On my daughter Summer’s illness her brain surgeries)

I did over the last 3 years reach out to his family for help… 3 different times…

Truth is… THEY weren’t dealing with his behaviors; they had and have no clue! He hasn’t been in contact with them really and has done a good job avoiding them at all costs…. for several years now!

He is great a cloak and dagger! Masking his addiction when neccessary. He has learned over the years; his pride has taught him this!

I actually tried reaching out a few times to his family in several different ways over the last 3 years reaching out for help! All efforts failed!… I felt truth be told… defeated myself!

I don’t blame anyone… I do this for a living… And I myself am lost as how to reach him!

Waiting…. for someone; to be ready for treatment. That is the most painful, gut wrenching thing you will ever do loving some with a Substance use disorder! It will break you in ways, you never knew existed. I have felt pain, deeper than anything I have ever known. I realize this in largely due to the realization that he is my true love! To watch the light that once shined so brightly inside him fade so quickly over the last 3 years!

I can not tell you the last time I saw that sparkle in his eyes! That charm in his grin…. it all faded so fast. Replaced with torment and disparity…. stress and anguish!

I have seen things I can never unsee! Images of him; i thought once were unimaginable! I was never naive to the nature of this disease…. i know it all to well!

I have seen what damage it causes. I grew up watching it destroy homes, marriages, families, sons, daughters, communities… I know this disease!

I was so careful to never get caught up in a relationship with anyone struggling with it! I knew it would win over me every time! If I ever saw a hint of it… I walked away!

You… He! Was… is… my *kryptonite* I was never able to let him fall. I never saw him coming… I never saw the disease attached! He hide it so well…

It smacked me in the face! I thought, I can fix this! I can guide him… lead him back to where he needs to be!

He just needs encouraging, reminding, to be loved… unconditionally!!!

None of that mattered!
None of that changed a thing!
If anything…. it seemed to have added to his sense of shame, guilt
It created a wedge between us;
That never existed before!

My confidant, my lover, my best friend…
A stranger… to me!

I see people in his life;
I have never seen before…
People I know are not *friends*
I see the worry and growing stress
On his face…
Time and time again.

His once well built frame…
Now narrowing….
Almost; unrecognizable.

I see multitude of women flowing in and out…
Freely using words of LOVE without any thought or regard!
I think to myself…
They don’t even know what LOVE is!?!

I find myself going through such a range of emotions…
From anger, to rage…. to trying to understand, to pity for these individuals…. to empathy for them as human beings….

But I still find myself digging in… soo protective over him!
Noone understands this of course!
You can’t vent or talk to anyone about this. They don’t seem to relate; or connect to what you are dealing with. In fact they become frustrated, they become uncomfortable, they start changing the conversation, or cutting you off. Worse case… they start trashing him!

Don’t they understand… you still love him? You still feel the way you feel? You have no control over who you love? Did they not listen when you said you have prayed to God about this? Daily? Begging for a resolution?
Did they not hear you say you felt God place this in your heart?
It’s a weight that burns in your chest and on your soul?… I can literally feel when he isn’t doing well! I just know in my gut … like I know my child is in trouble!

We are connected… for whatever reason….. we have that bond!

I know him… I know him better than he knows himself… I see through him; completely… I see through all the chaos… the drugs.. the women… I see his pain! I see his self destruction…. I can almost predict it..

It’s like he is trying to prove a point; but doesn’t even connect the dots to realize it! His self loathing! His sabotaging behavior; how he pushes away anything that truly loves him! Or anything he truly loves! His way of protecting them… His way of protecting himself!

What he does not see… Is how it destroys me! How it kills me inside! How it kills his family… how it hurts them! Not protect any of us! Especially not protecting him!

He try’s to numb and self medicate with drugs and women… trying so desperately to fill empty voids inside himself. He will never be able to fill… Not this way! Not with those women…. not with those drugs! He knows this!!!

Try talking to someone about that! Try opening up to someone about that! It’s not easy…. saying those words outloud…. are not easy!

They cut through you like a jagged knife! That wound; just bleeds…. it never seems to close!

Try holding it together; working in the addiction field! Seeing others grow and get better, try being able to help others…. but NOT the man you love!

That’s a hard pill to swallow!
There’s no class to prepare you for that!
What do you do?

Keep it bottled up inside?
Go to AlaNon? (I did that!)
Helps … some!

The hurt…
The worry…
The pain!
They are all still here!

Each day!
Each night!

Is he safe?
Has he got food? Shelter?
Are those *people* *women* feeding him drugs? Is he getting high?
He is… alive?

I tell family members all the time in the SFAMI group…. you have the power! You can take back control. You set the boundaries!

Two days ago…. I finally, found the courage to block some of the social media access I had to him. I had to, for my own mental health. It was causing me too much anxiety and worry….. seeing the people he was hanging out with. Knowing what they were about!

I don’t know what the answers are… in fact, I know very little! I struggle daily if I am doing the right thing or not. I weigh if I am being fair.

I often find myself praying… For God’s protection of him, to wrap him in his hands… to fill him with his love, to make him feel whole and loved to take away his pain. I often pray… that God’s will is done and not my own, that I have the grace and humility and understanding to accept the outcome of things.

But… for now! God has placed this in my heart… I don’t understand God’s timing…. why he would bring him back into my life … to have me watch him self destruct.

At times… I am not sure my heart can bare it… to be honest!

Journaling helps……

#addictionawareness #mentalillness #addiction #sfami #alanon #feedmysoul #thestruggleidreal #stopthestigma #recoveryworks #recovery #supportgroups #ittakesavillage #togetherwearestronger #addictionrecovery #addictionisadisease #substanceusedisorder #nami #narcanon #12steps #recoverymatters #mentalhealth #jenz #jenzphelps #findingmybliss #healthycopingskills #selfcare

I really am just… raw!

I really am just…… raw!

I feel like honestly, someone pulled out the glass bottom of the floor from underneath me. I could see it all crumbling around me, holes in your stories, your irrational behavior, the patterns that all scream ADDICTION!

I know…. I work in this field, I see it daily. I knew! I just wanted to believe in you! I wanted to believe, you were better than the man standing before me. Than what you were showing me, over and over again. I wanted to believe that the boy I fell in love with. The man I love: still exists!

All the denial and protests; all the times you stood me up, canceled plans, broken promises, just failed to show up! Be true to your word! All the times you Choose drugs, your drug friends, that life, over me! Over us! Over…. treatment, healing, moving on!!!

Yes! Yes….. I know, it’s a disease! I am well aware; I advocate daily to this fact. Yes! I know…. but… you made active choices… time & time again! You are making them still!

You are chosing drugs, to numb your pain, over even trying treatment! Even trying help offered; even being open to it! You are choosing drugs and these drug dealers and your drug using friends….. over me, your family! & a better future for yourself! Over healing….. Don’t you deserve; to heal from your pain? You hold the power to sstart that journey! Only you!!!

Yes, that makes me mad! So mad! It’s one thing, to not understand why you seek out drugs, or need them. But, you know! We have talked about it in great detail. (You are the smartest man I know. Making decisions… Chosing…. to suffer! When you know thare is help… waiting for you!) Its another, to know and just continue down the same path… time & time again…. destroying yourself, & everyone you love!

I will not just sit by and watch you, self destruct, just sit by and watch you…. throw away your life on drugs! On a pity party, about how horrible life is! How noone cares? (Seriously….. ! Do you not see me? Hear my pleas? See the worry? My restless nights?)

Yes, life sucks! It does, you have had some truly horrible things happen to you throughout life! You are resilient! Strong! You have already overcome! You are also the anchor I cling to, but…. lately …. I cannot find you!

Why give in now? ….. I am here…. I have been here!!! Rooting for you! Cheering you on! Supporting you! Fighting along side you…. I want you to win! To overcome this battle…. I know you can.

But what I see…. is a man that acts like he has given up! Like he has no choice! When in fact He is hanging on by a thin thread…. ironically…… a spider’s web, is one of the finest threads spun…. yet: also the strongest!

Isn’t the sheer act of hanging on by a thin thread… even as fine as a spider’s web…. the definition of; (Fighting! Hanging on!)….?

You have choices! Many choices! You just keep choosing the same, tired; endless path!

You are not done yet! You are however…. lost! Lost as hell!.surrounded by the wrong people!!!

How many times do you need to hear me say this? 50? Or 48?….. You choose!

I need you to wake up, before it’s too late! You keep waiting for something?… what exactly are you waiting on?

You do know…. I can yell, scream, talk, pray, love you unconditionally, be mad, detach, walk away….. I can do all those things…… but none of them..

Bring you back….

To me!

None of them…. bring you out of the darkness, out of the hurt & pain!

It kills me…. I see you hurting, suffering….. I feel it to my core!

I don’t know what else to do…. but I do know this! I will not…. do you hear me…?

I will NOT…. be caught up, in that tangled web of suffering you are so hell bent on clinging onto!

My path…. I choose, I have chosen; is full of hope! You might be the Love of my Life! My True Love!…

But I will not!

Be apart of that tangled mess you have created! A web of lies, deceit, life filled of drugs & chaos with no end in sight. All because…. A stubborn goat! Choose not to change!

A wise man… once posted:

I am still…. rooting for you and hoping… you see the light soon! Time…. is slipping away from you.

#addictionawareness #mentalillness #addiction #sfami #alanon #feedmysoul #truth #faith #love #emptyyourmind #thestruggleisreal #embraceyourself #findingmybliss #livingmybestlife #overlookingmyflaws #lettinggoofthepast #followingmymoralcompass #recovery #addictionrecovery #stopthestigma #healing #selfcare #mindfulness #healthycopingskills #lovehurts #painoflovinganaddict #addictiondestroyseveryoneittouches #lovingyouisnteasy #jenz #jenzphelps #momentslikethese

I didn’t expect to cry at work today!

I didn’t expect to cry at work today!

So yeah, that happened… If you know me even a little, you know I keep everything in. My kids don’t even see me cry… I think it’s because as a single mom, you feel you have to always be strong; hold everything together, everyone is depending on you! I was caught off gaurd today. I attended a case manager retreat for work. It started off with a motivational speaker! She was peppy, zinging but what I never saw coming as she talked; was my long overdue meltdown that was about to literally smack me in the face!
She started telling a story of her own, sons experience with a medical trauma. I had never hear those words put together like that before. We. Talk about life trauma, childhood trauma, sexual trauma….. but…. *medical trauma*… Those words just sorta stung each time she said them.

She went on to share about her son’s experience as an infant and how he got sick with the H1N1 Flu and was taken to the hospital. How he almost died, how she stood by him and stayed with him. How the doctor came back to check on him the next day, thinking he would not make it through the night.

As she told this story, I had to dig my nails into my knee to keep my composure during her lecture. I silently wiped away the tears from my eye that kept trying to sneak away.

I felt stuck, trapped… In the middle of my co-workers; paralyzed unable to escape…. I was fortunate enough to be sitting beside one co-worker that actually knew me & Summer and what we had been through. She knew the moment the lady started talking about her infant son, this wasn’t going to be easy for me to hear. She turned to me a few times, checking in on me… even asking if I was ok.

Several times, I scanned the room trying to plot my escape. How could I leave without being noticed? Because I knew as soon as someone made eye contact with me, I was going to lose it.

Finally, she ended her lecture! My co-worker asked me if I was going to be ok? I said, “No, I need to leave”. She shook her head in understanding and said “which way are you going to go?” I was literally sitting in the middle of a row. I pointed to the path of least resistance, grabbing my things and headed directly to the bathroom.

I hurried grabbing some tissues as I walked into the room. Tears had started to flow freely by this time. I hurried into a stall, so noone could see me, and just stood there. I tried to compose myself, the harder I tried, the more I broke down. Other women now started coming into the bathroom, as I stood silently holding back my sobs.

The tissues I grabbed on the way in, had been used, now having to reach for toilet tissue to wipe up tears. Biting my lip, to keep from crying out loud, trying to deep breathe… Again the more I tried to suppress my emotions, the more emotional I became!

I just kept grabbing more toliet tissue, and yet more! These tears… just will not stop! I felt myself becoming angry. Angry at myself for showing emotions! And why now?! I mean, Summer is 17! We have overcome all of this; haven’t we? I take a few deep breaths, one last time wipe my tears, blow my nose. Walk out and splash water on my face and try to dig in my purse to see what makeup I have to fix the problem I have created!

I am after all at a work event, with my colleagues and it isn’t even noon yet! I gotta pull it together.

I walk out and down the hall, people are lined up for lunch. I try to avoid eye contact, feeling they can see through me. When I look up once or twice, I can tell no makeup can hide the pain and hurt in your eyes.

I walk to the front to a quiet area away from everyone, thinking I just need to pull it together. All I can hear is the speaker saying *medical trauma*… It’s like a movie reel starts going off inside your head that you can’t stop! Not the beautiful best motion picture kind, but the twisted twilight zone version. Flashes of all your most terrifying memories and moments being relived in what seems like such a vivid nanosecond.

I feel the tears start welling back up, a tightness over my chest. Its hard to breathe now. I pray noone comes around the corner. I felt frozen. I try to relax, start rubbing my neck as a co-worker walks in through the door. She notices, something is wrong, or thinking I have a headache she graciously offers me some ibuprofen. I smile and politely decline with as little verbal communication as possible because one utterance of a syllable and the flood gates are going to explode!

I breathe some more, try to clear my head. I am supposed to be helping with acudetox groups this afternoon…. seriously! I have no time for this! All I can think of is the woman from this morning saying how her son had experienced a *medical trauma* he was a 7 week old infant. All I think was all the time I had to hold Summer down on a MRI table or OR table because the surgeon’s called me back to do so; so they could get an IV in her or gas mask on her for a procedure.

As she talked about the nurse that helped her son that had just recently been trained in how to work with infants of trauma. She talked of holding him, and soothing him. I just lost it. As I felt my. Chest tightening, my breathing deepened, as another
colleague walked through the door her eyes caught mine, the look on her face went from happy to see me; quickly to concern. I just smiled nodding her on her way.

Funny thing about the human body, we never know how it will react to things. I kept thinking, how could that speaker get up there and tell that story today and not be emtional?! I almost got mad about it. Before I could really finish that thought, my colleague that was running the acudetox group that I was supposed to be helping later walked back by and stopped to check on me. She sensed I wasn’t ok earlier as she walked in and I tried to briefly explain that the speaker, (when I went to try to find my words, once again: they left me) had hit a nerve with her presentation. My colleague graciously offered me a hug, and to come back to the acudetox room for privacy if needed. I thanked her but graciously declined. Unable to be touched out of fear I would completely break down.

I knew at this point, whatever happened this morning. Whatever that speaker said that triggered this emotional chain reaction within the deepest parts of my soul. The parts I have been pushing down and pushing down for so long. Trying to just pretend they don’t exist. Well, guess what!? That lady stuck oil today! There’s an oil spill with my name all over it; it’s about to get messy today.

There’s just no coming back from that. I finally managed to reach down find my phone, text my boss.
[Hey…. I cant stay… that was too much .. her story little too close to home hit a nerve and I am a emotional mess … ]

I managed to compose myself once again. I walked down the hall seeking out my colleague and the acudetox room. I walk in she was in mid conversation, I smiled trying to hold it together. I politely wait for the conversation to end. I try searching for my words. It’s funny how something as basic as simple speech leaves you when your emotions override your brain!
I feel my eyes well up as I try to push out the words. I….. (shake my head)
I….. can’t…. (shaking my head)….. she comes over concerned. She has such a healing nature about her, offers a hug , i accept this time. I manage to blurt out the words, ‘her story was too close, Summer had a lot of medical problems”; was as far as I got before the tears poured into my eyes. It’s like I was willing them into place, forbidding them to flow freely. She offered me a acudetox treatment, thinking it would help, I declined, the idea of being touched, of being hugged, of being vulnerable around people at that moment was more than I could handle. I told her I just needed to leave . She asked if I was ok to drive. I told her, under my breath holding back tears; “I really just need to go break down in my car, then go home”. I handed her a bracelet that i had remembered to return for another colleague and left as quickly and discreetly as possible.
I smiled when I encountered coworkers, trying to avoid eye contact when possible. I focused on my breathing, trying to hold back the tears.

That lasted till I reached the, corner curb of the street. My eyes could hold back the watery fluid no more. I felt a steady flow down my cheeks, as I hurried to the car. By the time I reached the door of my car, I heard a sobbing sound; it startled me when I realized it was coming from myself.
I quickly opened the door and got into the car and just sat there.

I sat there, in my car, in the parking lot for an hour crying, sobbing, uncontrollably just feeling this sense of weeping, sense of grief, sense of flooding of emotions. I sat in my car, cut on the air conditioning, literally paralyzed… unable to move. Unable to text, drive, speak. Just stuck. There in that car with all those emotions, all those years of suppressed tears flowing like a oil well that has been struck for the very first time, stuck there in the car.

All I could do was see glimpses of moments from different events, first time I heard the words *Ms. Phelps I am sorry, your daughter has pineal cytoma, there’s nothing we can do, we made her an appointment at UVA; but with this, these cases we see , I am so sorry usually 3 to 6 months to live*

Flash forward

Ms Phelps, it’s not actually pineal cytoma, we aren’t really sure, but we think she has two separate things going on, AVM at the vein of Galen and an arachnoid cyst of the pineal gland.

Flash Forward

Ms Phelps there are just so many things about th brain we just don’t know. We need to wait for science to catch up. We will just monitor her for now and hopefully in a few years, we will have better knowledge and tools to operate.


Ms Phelps 90% of brain tumors are frontal lobe tumors. Your daughter’s is in the middle of the brain on top of the brain stem. That makes things much more difficult to operate.


Mrs Phelps we need you to come back to the OR with us please, she’s fighting us, we need you to hold her down so we can put the gas mask on her.


Ms Phelps I am sorry, the surgery didn’t go as well as I had hoped, I wasn’t able to get all the mass. It’s a sticky membrane so we couldn’t just remove it, it would pull other vital brain tissue. I was able to make a small hole in the membrane for the fluid to leak out.


Ms Phelps I don’t know why she is continuing to have headaches and seizure episodes there is so much about the brain we just don’t know

Ms Phelps there is a new procedure we can go in through the femoral artery up to the brain and inject this glue like substance to close off her AVM.


Ms Phelps there is a chance she won’t make it through the surgery. Have you considered this?


*I remember having a conversation with my mother, she asked me if I had thought about what I would do if I God forbid, I have to bury Summer. I had recently moved my church membership from my home church to Timberlake UMC where Summer was christened. It never once crossed my mind of course, I said well, My Comfort the family cemetery of course, she reminded me that I had moved my membership. What a morbid thing to have to even contemplate. The very last thing anyone should or wants to think of before having a surgery to preserve life! Is planning for death… I remember being angry with her for making me think of this!
Then I remembered…. my mother lost a child, she knew what it was to bury an infant. She was trying to prepare me. I quickly requested to have my membership changed back to Mt Comfort before the surgery. That has stuck with me to this day!

So as I sat sobbing and crying for an hour in my car. Slowly I started to feel some relief. I guess truth be told; for over 17 years I have just held it all in. Trying to pretend I was OK, strong,

I purposely threw myself into my job, focusing on clients with high needs, at risk population. I would tell myself see, yeah I know I am dealing with a lot… but see, it’s not that. OR I often felt God was testing me, and if I help others, just do his work, see the good in others. He would heal Summer.

I always prayed…. that if things had turned out differently…. I prayed that I hoped I would be grateful for the time given! Never bitter or angry.

That has stayed with me. Time is such a valuable gift! Most people value money, but time is the true gift of value. How you spend that time with the ones you love….. that is what matters in the world!

Everything else….. is just…. well less…

So today… at work, I cried! But, maybe….. I also healed a little too.

I should add that my story ends with a happy ending for those that don’t know it. My daughter has overcome every obstacle thrown in her path. She is 17 and beautiful and has some on going medical problems we manage however she is the definition of RESILIENCE!

She is my miracle! Our true gift from God Summer Grace… *Grace + love & mercy Gift from God*

This is her back to school selfie 1st day of 11th grade! We are very blessed.

#overcoming #emotions #tears #pain #love #hope #faith #lovehurtssometimes #phototherapy #jenzphelps #jenz #feedmysoul #emptyyourmind #findingmyjoy #selfcare #mindfulness #healthycopingskills #healing #mentalhealthawarenes ##mentalhealth #sfami #horizonbh #momentsintime #momentslikethese #lettinggo #yeahsothishappened #medicaltrauma #ptsd #childhoodtrauma

Codependency…. No More? In theory?…

I like that they are addressing the changes in treatment. I think this could be misleading for some readers that don’t understand the newest concepts in treatment for Substance use disorders. Changes in language, focus on changing clients motivation, assessing their motivation and readiness for change. Meeting them where they are at, teaching family members healthy boundaries, harm reduction…..


But… funny this article post come up, as I do still think the Codependency No More books are valid and have good content in them.

Funny I actually just recommended them to a client yesterday! And actually….. more ironic… a former boss gave them to me years ago… when I was dealing with a roommate situation.

Life has a way of bringing us… Full.Circle!

#addictionrecovery #mentalhealthawarenes #mindfulness #addictionawareness #addiction #treatment #substanceusedisorder #codependency #copendencynomore #thestruggleisreal #embraceyourself #feedmysoul #healthycopingskills #selfcare #emptyyourmind #healing #sfami #jenz #jenzphelps

What are you waiting for?

Aren’t you tired?

Haven’t you had enough?

Haven’t you wasted enough time and lost enough life moments to this drug?

To this addiction? To this disease?!

Hasn’t your past… haunted you enough…?

When… will you finally allow yourself to sleep?

When will you realize…

This isn’t for you?

That there is a better way,

To deal with the hurt, pain, stress and trauma from your past?

Haven’t you suffered enough?

I see you hurting….

I see you in pain…

I see you trying to numb yourself from feeling anything!

What will it take?

A cold steel cell?

To be locked away?

To have all freedom removed?

Will it be simply by your own hands?

One quick pull of that trigger?

Or will you finally take one last hit…. that finally does you in?…

Tell me…..

When does this madness stop?!!!

I need you to wake up!!!

Before it’s too late…..

Tic, Toc….

Tic, Toc….

Your time, is running out!

You don’t have all these hours and minutes your percieve yourself to own!

Time…. is a true thief!

He slips in & out… without being noticed…

Before you realize it… those precious moments, years, days, hours, minutes, seconds…. they’ll are gone!

How many more of these will you just throw away?

How many more people do you think you can push out of your life?

Look around you….

Who do you see?…

Who is knocking on your door?!

Who is reaching out to you?

Who is worried if you’re ok?….

I see you shaking…. tired…. weary…

I see you…. drained….



I see you…. torn…

Your brain so clouded you don’t know which way to think!

You don’t even know who to trust anymore!

So twisted in your own drug induced reality….

You can’t see what’s truly…

Right here in front of you!

Your new Mistress…

She’s Deadly!

Ice runs through her veins……

Soon…. she will consume you!

And I….

Will no longer recognize…. you!

Aren’t you tired?!

Haven’t you had enough?!

#truth #truthbetold💯 #addictionrecovery #mentalhealthawarenes #addictionisadisease #mentalhealthrecovery #fightstigma #addictionawareness #communitycollaboration #vacpn #CVARR #aart #awareness #talkaboutit #mentalhealth #addiction #sfami #horizonbh #bedford #appomattox #amherst #ourlynchburg #jenzphelps #jenz #feedmysoul #emptyyourmind #thestruggleisreal #love #hope #faith #alanon #narcnon #phototherapy #stopthestigma #treatmentworks

*It Takes A Village*

Funny…. How we change with time! How we evolve, our interests, wants, life goals, dreams, styles: the things we value most; start to fall into their proper place in life!
*Faith, *Family, *Community how we care for ourselves, our loved ones, and our neighbors all start to tie in together. How you start to see the vital importance of building each other up! How you start to realize the duty of community. How you feel the weight of burden or guilt or obligation at times calling to you when you see or feel a loved one, or friend, or community member falling….
*It Takes A Village* …. We do not grow or evolve or succeed or love in life ALONE!
As humans…. we innately, must have help! We were created & designed for partnerships and sense of community social structure to exist together.
Ego, Pride, Stubborn Will….. they can at times be fuel to propel us forward when kept in prospective!
But they are also the same tools that WILL destroy us, when we fail to humble ourselves to ask for HELP!
So ask yourself…..
What are your Life goals?
Are you meeting them?
Do you need to swallow your Ego, Pride, Stubborn Will?…. to help you meet those goals?
You just needed to step back…
To see that the road block to your success:
Was the very WALL… YOU built!
The help you been wanting, the goals you been trying to reach, have been waiting for you on the other said of that WALL you built…
All along!
Funny thing about *It Takes A Village*
The Village….. also: needs YOU!

A Village is only as strong and good and thriving as it’s weakest or most hurting members…. ! That the funny thing about humans, family, community….! We NEED each other!

#lifegoals #emptyyourmind #embraceyourself #feedmysoul #truth #faith #love #hope #nami #sfami #alanon #addictionrecovery #mentalhealthawarenes #addictionisadisease #mentalhealth #recovery #supportgroups #ourlynchburg #horizonbh #bedford #appomattox #aart #CVARR #amherst #jenz #jenzphelps #findingmybliss #ittakesavillage #stopthestigma #vacpn

War of Emotions

I feel I am at war…

At War with myself….

My Emotions…

My feelings… over, you! Your addiction, your circumstances…… your behaviours….. how I respond to you!…US!


I am just mixed with emotions….

I go from trying to be patient and understanding….

To simply, mad & angry with you!

So pissed at you!

For this disease!

For how you are allowing it to take over your life!

How you deny help offered!

How you push away the people trying to help you!

How you seek shelter and hide behind people that enable you and employ your behavior!

I am so mad! Pissed! Angry! At you….

At those around you!!!

That keep you stuck in this prison you are building for yourself!

I could scream!!!@#!

I keep trying to break through to you!

I keep trying to reach inside…

To the man I know!

The man I love & adore!


You… drift …

Further, & further away….

You keep letting drugs, & toxic people poison your brain!

I fear….

Before long….

The boy i once knew….

The man…. i love & adore….

Will no longer be there….

He will cease to exist!

Become a ghost of himself….

I fear….

It has already,


That turns my anger into sorrow & sadness!

Because I know what life you could have!

I know what you are capable of…

I know the man inside the ghostly shell!

You see…

He has the heart & soul of the boy….

I first loved!

I know…

The good that lines his heart….

I know his true character…

I know him…

As sure as I breathe!

I keep praying…..

He finds his way back to himself…

That he breaks free…

From the bonds of his addiction…

From the chains holding him down surrounded by toxic people!

And finds his way back to me!

#truth #faith #love #hope #nami #sfami #alanon #feedmysoul #truthbetold💯 #addictionrecovery #mentalhealthawarenes #mindfulness #healthycopingskills #selfcare #emptyyourmind #findingmyjoy #thestruggleisreal #sfami #stopthestigma #addictionawareness #mentalillness #addiction #phototherapy #jenzphelps #jenz

Courage To Change!

I have been to meetings over the years in various forms for school; for work; I have ran groups; held family support groups…. But. Recently these have been to help me!
Tonight, I swallowed my pride… and took my first step in overcoming my need to fix everything in everyone’s life I love! … It isn’t easy… especially being a nurse! It’s in your nature to heal! To help! It seems unnatural… to do anything less!
To love someone and not be able to let go of the constant worry. Is also something to do with my need to control things, wanting to be the nurturer, caregiver… when maybe… I should just be a friend…. I don’t have all the answers…. but… I am seeking help! & trying to learn how to cope!!!
That has to be a start!

Love doesn’t fade… pain & hurt do…. wounds, heal… when we allow them to!

#lifegoals #dowork #gettingitdone #milestones #healthycopingskills #selfcare #emptyyourmind #findingmyjoy #thestruggleisreal #embraceyourself #findingmybliss #livingmybestlife #overlookingmyflaws #lettinggoofthepast #followingmymoralcompass #recovery #addictionrecovery #mentalhealthawarenes #mindfulness #sfami #alanon #feedmysoul #truth #faith #love #hope #nami #jenz #jenzphelps