DEAR John

 

img_20190128_215503_2037366748877200600570.jpg

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am not sure exactly where *Kevin*…. left and when Johnny stepped back in.

I have been so busy, looking beyond that mask…. Looking beyond the hurt, the pain; the self destruction…. I have been too busy sorting through my own chaos of emotions…. I was selfish and self absorbed you see….
I didn’t see you… It’s almost like you step in to protect *Kevin*, when he feels overwhelmed by life, or emotions or circumstances that perhaps he feels are beyond his control. It can’t be easy… to feel alone in the world; hurt by most everyone you ever loved or once trusted…
*Kevin* judges himself the hardest of all… He often forgets the good the lives inside him. The light that shines so brightly it often bursts out like a flame in the darkest of nights…. it draws any lost souls seeking comfort or shelter in…
Of course… *Kevin* just grins…. he burns brighter, warmer and welcomed them all to come sit by his fire….
*Kevin* is comfort, warmth, love for many….
He is loved because he puts a smile in everyone’s heart…. He opens up…. without meaning to… He let’s the wanderers in….
I am starting to see….
I am starting to fear…
That Johnny;
You may never disappear.
I appreciate your purpose….
I respect that you have gaurded him this far.
I fear…
I fear, that he has forgotten….
What it is like to be Simply *Kevin*…..
Dear John;
*Kevin* doesn’t need you anymore….
It’s ok to feel…
It’s ok to hurt….
It’s ok to love!
It’s ok to be scared.
It’s ok to be confused…
It’s ok to simply not have it all figured out yet.
*Kevin* has a voice…
He needs to exercise that more….
Dear John,
You might be surprised to learn; that *Kevin* is actually very articulate and insightful and intellectual. In fact; John, he is far smarter and Cleaver than me!
You see John….
I am slowly and painfully realizing…
I am a lost cause.
I am a hopeless romantic…
I want the impossible….
I believe in the impossible!
I am simply….. unrealistic.
I lost myself; my way, my spirit…..
I am not sure about all that.
But John…..
I don’t think you’re good for *Kevin*!
I might be delusional and hopeless….
I might be quite the FOOL….
I might be in actual Real Love for the first time in my life….
But….
I am if nothing, John… a Realist & honest!
*Kevin*…. doesn’t seem to really want to move on with his life. He is stuck. He seems content with existing in this current state & world….
And well; John…. i… I am not!
I miss my friend! I miss the boy I once knew…. I miss the joy in his heart & soul… He had that John…. he had that before you!
Even with his childhood trauma… he had joy, laughter, & love in his soul!
I know this John… because he shared all of that growing up with me!
You seem to have numbed him…. and I hate it!
He has built this wall that he simply will NOT let me inside… and I hate it!
I hate it;
Because John…
I can see it…
I can see; what *Kevin* is doing….
I love him you see….
It’s simply….
Tearing me apart.
*Kevin* has you to protect him….
*Kevin* has substances to numb himself at times from the world….
I you see, John;
I have boxed myself into a corner…
I have stood on this moral ground of principles…
I took this calling;
To help & serve…
I, being me…..
Took it; seriously…..
I, being me….
Felt the weight, of my choices.
I carried the guilt…
I was & am soo very self aware of my actions….
Soo painfully soo!!!
At times…
It’s agonizing…….
I hurt,
I carry pain,
I want, need, long, lust….
I desire….
I also am simply put…
Human!
John,
I so often feel like *Kevin*, puts me under the Glass dome….
Like, there you go Jen…..
See, I love you!
You, mean soo much to me!
Look….
But…. nobody touch!
Or speak too….
That Glass dome, John…
It’s isolating and suffocating….
It’s cold & lonely!
Simply put…
I am just not…
Meant to be looked at from afar John….
I am not meant to be kept; in a box!
I was made to be played with!
Pushed, touched,
Embraced, loved & explored!
I fear *Kevin*….
Views me as a collectable of sorts…
A gaurded, treasured memory of his past. A friend, and John….
Well….
I love *Kevin* with ALL that I am….
But that simply…. will not do!
Dear John,
It is my deepest hope in life,
That you leave and never return. Because I believe that *Kevin* is safe and no longer needs you!
But I cannot stay up on this shelf under this Glass Dome anymore!
I need someone present; someone that is walking along beside me…. Not someone holding me under glass to protect & preserve…..
Dear John,
I am already BROKEN….
Doesn’t *Kevin* know this….
I just wanted a partner…..

Checkmate….

#addictionrecovery #mentalhealthawarenes #mindfulness #healthycopingskills #love #emptyyourmind #findingmyjoy #selfcare #hope #lettinggo #jenz #jenzphelps #findingmybliss #livingmybestlife #overlookingmyflaws #lettinggoofthepast #followingmymoralcompass #unconditionallylovingyou #couragetochange #sfami #alanon

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.