My Soul Hurts…

I am tired…

So much, I just don’t understand.

I am tired of my soul hurting…

Tired of not being able to walk completely away…

Tired of the drama…

Tired of your circle…

Tired of the games…

Tired of… stupid… petty stuff!

All the things that simply don’t matter!

There is soo much more to life!

You have submerged yourself around the wrong people for way too long…

You’re starting to forget…

Forgetting who you are!

Forgetting your Hope’s & dreams…

Forgetting you!

Forgetting about the people around you…

Forgetting common decency…

Forgetting what real friendship, is truly about.

Do you even remember what Love truly is? What unconditional love, feels like?

What being *In Love* tastes like?

You’ve been around the wrong people for way too long!

I see you…

I see so deep inside you…

I know your soul!

I know your stubborn…

I know your proud…

I know your prideful!

I just don’t know how to reach through to you!

Everyone loves you…

Its almost routinely professed deeply, by everyone you encounter…

Do they even know…?

Know what real love is?

It’s not set with demands…

It’s not meet with expectations!

It’s not a prize to be won!

It’s not something you give freely one minute and take away the next…

I am so, soo very tired!

It drains my soul….

This is you…

This is what you’ve allowed your world to become…

You are soo much more than this!

You …. you …. YOU…..

Just need to remember!!!

This is NOT your life…

This is Not how your story ends!

Because…. I still believe in you!

I see you!

I know your spirit…

I know your character!

I know your soul!

I just need you…

I need you to find your way…

I need you to find your way Home!

#feelslikehome #jenzphelps #jenz #mirrorimages #phototherapy #embraceyourself #findingmypeace #lettinggo #givingittogod #emotionalism #expressionism #itsthelittlethings #emptyyourmind

Censorship

I can journal till I run out of words… but that does nothing, for me; if I can’t just Express my true: thoughts, feelings, emotions, & desires.

You’re the only person I have ever shared, all sides of myself with… I know you hold back… you are only comfortable sharing certain pieces of yourself with me…

Even when I feel & see you…

But I… I share all of my myself openly, freely with you…. Do you have any idea… how freeing & addictive that is?
I am safe, with you….
I don’t really know how to pull back. I don’t really know how not to share, so openly with you… I am honestly not sure, I want to learn!

I don’t want to censor myself around you!

I censor myself in every other aspect of my life! But never with you….
I need the release, the safety of your trust… I need to be able to purge & unload, without fear of judgement or doubt. Truth be told… I need you! Perhaps that’s simply, asking for too much…
I need you it seems, more than you need me…
You find comfort in others,
Sections of yourself shared with only those you feel, understand your pain…
The awareness I have of my actions…
The awareness I have of those watching,
The awareness I have of those waiting…
Watching to see if I practice what I preach…
Waiting to see if I fail or disappoint them.

Watching & Waiting… to say… I told you!

I struggle daily,
It’s an ongoing going battle deep within my soul… To do the right thing. To not make this about me… To see the greater need…
I don’t want to censor myself around you.
I don’t want to contemplate each interaction,
Each spoke or written word.
Each shared secret,
Each shared memory,

Each hidden desire.

I don’t know how to not….
Not, be…
Yours.
#momentsintime #memories #stuckinmyhead #frozenintime #jenzphelps #jenz #mirrorimages #phototherapy #embraceyourself #findingmypeace #lettinggo #givingittogod #rmdrakequotes #rmdrake #truth #censored #censorship #mindfulness #journaling

Torn between the Inbetween…

There is so much inside my head, thoughts, memories, life experiences; that I need to get out.

That is what this journal is for. But there so many thoughts, secrets, wishes, desires; my heart wants to share… But there’s one problem with that…

I only trust you!

To be that open with…

I am trying to find that balance. The space were we co-exist… The space where I don’t lose myself…

It’s a struggle…

#jenzphelps #jenz #mirrorimages #phototherapy #embraceyourself #findingmypeace #torn

Perception is a Funny Thing…

Perception, how we see the world, what we perceive the world to be; is all about how we truly see ourselves in relation to the world, people, things around us.

Every life experience, impacts our world view. The humor is found, not in the life events that unfold… but rather in the disillusionment that we assume everyone around us…. sees, hears, believes things to be as we ourselves, see, hear, feel, & experience them.

Things aren’t often how we perceive them to actually be. I recently have had a few conversations with individuals I grew up with. Going to school we have such a limited world view, its impossible for our pre-teen & teen brains to understand much, beyond our own egos!

I recently had a conversation with a friend from school. Growing up, I thought I was always out of his league. We were best friends in school. He was the boy next door, with a million dollar smile & heart of Gold. Who knew behind that smile was a world of heartbreak. My perception of things, was limited by my own world view …

I had a conversation with a girl, in my eyes, growing up; she was always smiling, bubbly, bouncing around. I never knew…. The pain that lay inside her heart…

Again, my perception was limited by my own view! Things are never as they seem on outside the superficial surface. People much like stones, have layers of rock built up, buried down deep inside.

Odd to me, this girl felt, growing up, I had it all. Almost comical to me, the mere notion that is how she believed my life to be. She said, “I saw you, bouncing around with the popular kids, ya’ll didn’t know who I was, much less; speak to me.

She felt isolated, and alone. She called herself trash. Odd, this was to hear her say. Odd you ask? Yes, odd… odd because of her perception of me. Simply couldn’t have been further from the truth. The reality of my life. I told her this, you saw me hoping around the “popular kids”…. what you didn’t see, was; how I felt inside. I never felt I belonged to any one crowd… That hoping you saw, was actually….

Me, circling around from group to group, wondering, trying to find my way….

I too felt, as if never fit in. I too felt like trash. Less than, unworthy, unwelcomed & misunderstood…

We were 16….

Looking back; I can now say; noone was truly, comfortable in their own skin… We just assumed… what we showed, would be enough to overcome, how we truly felt inside; our own minds…

Nothing is ever truly as one percieved! We need to look a little deeper, scratch beyond the surface.

The things, we perceived, the limits we made so often come from the limitations of our minds. We defeat ourselves, long before we attempt to engage in the things we see, long for, want, or desire… All because we simply could not perceive life to be any other way!

That boy with the million dollar smile, he’s still there, now with a heavy heart of gold.

That girl, that thought she was unworthy… She’s still there, now teaching others; how to be kind.

As for me…. well, I am still learning, evolving, striving to find that balance in life

I am expanding my world view, beyond those mental limitations, beyond those small minded judgements, and quick rash thinking…

I am trying to see, the efforts of others. I am looking beyond the superficial surface. I am training my mind; to look beyond the perception.

Because as you can now, more clearly see… Our perception of this…. Well, it’s just a funny thing; limited by our lack of understanding, empathy, & willingness to see the world beyond that superficial mirrored surface!

#awareness #emotionalism #photography #itsthelittlethings #peaceofmind #mindfulness #empathy #kindness #worldview #perception #emptyyourmind #embraceyourself #livingmybestlife

Reclaiming ME!

This isn’t me…

I don’t wait for a man’s attention…

I always am the first one to walk away…

I don’t make excuses, for poor behavior.

I don’t justify, someone’s actions to fit my needs…

I don’t need your valadation, to make myself whole!

I am Reclaiming ME!

My Spirit is strong…

My Will is Free!

My mind got clouded,

But now I see…

I got caught up, in the fog from the past…

But my Light, now shines Brightly…

It SHINES more than ever Before!

I am Reclaiming ME!

I gave you that Power…

That hold you held on my soul…

That Light that shines,

In the Twinkle of your eye….

That Light that burns, deep in your Soul…

That Light….

It Belongs to ME!

I am…..

Reclaiming Me!

#jenzphelps #jenz #mirrorimages #phototherapy #embraceyourself #livingmybestlife #letyourlightshinebright

Frozen in time

You are grown… I keep forgetting that!

In my mind, we are frozen in time.

16 again!

I find myself, so protective of you!

You know the risks…

Your life choices are on you.

I have tried… reaching out.

I have tried… just being your friend.

I have tried… to understand.

I fail… at reaching you.

I fail… at keeping my emotions in check.

I fail… at trying to not love you.

I don’t really understand, why I feel as strong as I do.

I pray about it…. daily!

God knows, I do!

I don’t like feeling this way!

Out of control…

Emotions on overload…

Simply, not being able to walk away!

I do this for a living, you know!

Tell people how to, walk away…

How to, love from afar!

How to, set healthy boundaries…

Yet, I see myself…

Being pulled, and stuck…

Frozen in time…

I know better!

I can clearly see,

All the mistakes,

All the missed opportunities,

All the second guessing,

All the lies,

All the clear signs, of active addiction!

Eventually,

I will thaw out….

I will slowly start, to move about…

I will free myself,

From this mental cage…

What then?

Where does this end?

I love you!

I truly do…

You will forever be, a piece of my heart…

I pray for you; I genuinely want the best for you…

Sometimes I think, you feel ashamed, so you try and stay away…

I am never, NEVER… going to think less of you!

I see you!

I have always seen you!

I knew you then,

I know you now!

I believe in you…

When you, can’t….

Soo, for now…

I stand still.

I listen.

I pray.

I turn it over to God, and I keep my Faith!

Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

When you’re ready…

I will be here!

Friends… till the end!

#awareness #recovery #addiction #addictionrecovery #mentalhealthawareness #sfami #thestruggleisreal #nami #healing #healthyboundaries #jenzphelps #jenz

Some souls are lined in gold

I need to paint today. I need to gather my thoughts. So many stories, so many lies. There are pieces of truth floating around; like suspended matter, just waiting for place to land.

It’s hard, because there are pieces of you so wrapped around multiple aspects of my life! Even though I find myself drowning in the storm; I clearly know and vividly remember how, it was you… that once rescued me!

I have carried you around with me over the years. My peace of mind… My blanket of trust. My one true confidant! I have always been safe in the protection of your love, your respect, your genuine friendship! You’ve always just been a piece of my heart…

To watch you transform, change; right before my eyes, it’s painful, hurtful, it makes me want to reach out to you even more! To lift you up, bandage your wounds, nourish your mind, heal your spirit! Bring you back to the man, the boy…. I once knew!

Every breathe I take, every emotion I have, every prayer I make…. is calling to God; asking, pleading, begging, directing me…. To break through to you!

I need you!

I need you to look up!

Look around…. find that glimmering piece of you.

The light sparkle, that flickers… on & off… The mere glimmer of hope that shines just bright enough, just discreetly enough; to call all those lost, broken, wayward souls to you….

The light that sparkles from inside you!

I need you to stop… no, listen… STOP!

Reliving the past….

STOP…

Blaming yourself for things beyond your control.

For dissatisfaction of life situations.

For past, present, & future failures!

For relationships lost….

For misunderstandings.

For missed opportunities!

For any excuse… that keeps you; hidden & bound to live this life!

I NEED you!!!

Present & here with me…

In this life, this moment, this second!

I NEED you to love yourself….

To feel pride,

To feel a sense of purpose,

To feel a sense of self worth!

I don’t care…

I don’t care about your transgressions!

Your sins…

Your flaws..

Your past…

Your present…

I care.

I care about your future…!

I care if you are safe!

I care if you are loved!

I care if you are healthy!

I care if you are whole!

I care….

I care … if you are a son of God!

I know you’re in there…

I know you’re hurt…

I know your hurting…

I know your struggling!

I know you feel judged…

I know you feel ashamed!

I know you feel unworthy…

If you would only see yourself, how I see you!

How God sees you!!!

You would never doubt…

You wouldn’t question..

You wouldn’t search for reasons beyond your control!

You would know….

Just how much…. You are loved!

You would know!

Gods purpose for you….

I see him in you!

I see him in you when you can’t even see him in yourself….

I see him using you, in ways you cannot imagine….

He has his hands on you….

You feel it.. you feel it soo deep, you’re fighting!

Fighting to surrender….

Fighting to let go….

Fighting to ….?

What exactly?….

Your heart… the one you are so desperately trying to drown out…

To numb from feeling…

To ignore it’s very beat!

Your heart… is made from Gods own love…

Your heart is made of Gold!

Maybe….

Just maybe…

It’s you… he is using…

To mend the broken…

The broken souls,

20180813_2349234985811054837709435.jpg

Maybe it’s your heart filled with Gold!

 

#addiction #recovery #awareness #mindfulness #lettinggo #givingittogod #findingmypeace #faith #hope #mentalhealthawareness #stopstigma

#sfami #nami #aa #na #itsnevertoolate

Mad & Angry at the hold addiction has on you!

I am mad!

I am angry!

Mad at you, for choosing this life, refusing to accept help when offered, denying you have a problem!

I am angry at all the people in your life, that have turned a blind eye to keep their place, that use you, that enable you, that support you, that drag you down this road again!

I am mad & angry at myself! For not being able to reach you, not able to help you, not able to break through to you…

I hate every single part of this! I hate how I feel, I hate more what this is doing to you!

You want me to turn a blind eye, to smile, pretend I dont see you. You want me to make light conversations and pretend?….

I pray…

I pray so many times…

I pray more each day for you than myself!

I am mad!

I am angry!

I am hurting….

I can’t reason with my mind why, why God would bring you back into my life; to just watch you fall….

Why would God put the burden so heavy on my heart, to reach out to you?

Why don’t you hear him calling to you?

I am angry!

So angry at everyone that is using with you!

So angry at you!!!

I am mad & angry….

Because I love you!

To watch you fall, struggle, pretend, & refuse help! Well it’s killing me!

I know this disease!

I know it oh so well…

I watch it rob, cheat, steal the very life from people every single day!

You feel ashamed?

Guilty?

Broken?

Join the club!

There is not one person in this world that doesn’t feel these things in life!

They don’t define you!

They don’t rule you!

They dont command you!

Soo, lift your head up high!

Stop giving it, power over you…

Acknowledge the past…

But STOP being stuck!

Stop lying to yourself!

Look inside you….

You have the power to overcome!

You hold the key to fighting your demons!

You have everything inside you that you will ever need to succeed.

You have me here… waiting to guide you… link you… listen to you…

But you, YOU… have to want it!

You must be the one; that takes the first step…. You have to be ready to walk away, to heal, to embrace the pain and hurt.

I am mad…..

I am angry…

But I also see the person behind the disease! This doesn’t have to be your life!

#addiction #recovery #awareness #mindfulness #lettinggo #givingittogod

#faith #hope

#mentalhealthawareness #addictionawareness #sfami #nami

Letting go

There comes a point and time in and your life; you just have to walk away!

img_20180813_212027_2238465375198845785952.jpg

The same pattern of behavior, the same, well.. same!

You should never doubt, never have to question someone’s love or loyalty… You should feel it from within your soul. The real things in life… the things that truly matter. The things that will always matter, that you trust blindly and freely….

Those things…. you should never question or doubt !

&

If you are doubting, questioning… well then; there’s your answer!

If you don’t walk away…. You will find more pieces broken…. Before you know it…. There will be more Gold in your reflection than actual pieces of you…

#rmdrakequotes #rmdrake #lifegoals #lifechoices #lettinggo

#broken #beautifullybroken ##kintsukurio #kintsugi #jenzphelps #jenz

Homeless doesn’t mean without love

Photo credits go to Chris Townsend you can find him on Instagram #nyfakid

I work with all types of people. Largely an at risk population, often homeless. My clients have many stories, never is one the same. You would be surprised to find that they come from all walks of life. Young, old, once rich, always poor, veterans, struggling with addiction, or struggling with mental illness; many have been mistreated, neglected, or abused.

I learned at a very young age; to never judge someone by their outter appearance. I learned to ask, how their journey brought them to this place, this stage in life. Chris has an amazing gift, he captures someone’s life in a single photo. His photos so often scream to me, the life and journeys of my clients.

Yesterday one of my favorite clients came in. He has a unique story. He was not born in the United States. He grew up in anย  tropical environment. He served in the military for his country. He came the the U.S. as a young man, and got his citizenship.ย  ย He has already lived through more than most of us could imagine.

What strikes me most when I meet with him, is how he sees the world and his journey. Yesterday he told me how he is once again homeless. He talked to me with such sadness in his eyes, he stated how lucky he was, he had a good spot down on the river, he says this to me with a smile on his face. “Don’t be sad for me, I have my faith”.

I asked how was he managing with the basics;ย  water, food, bathing, he smiled and said, “don’t you worry, I am smart, I found a place down along the river, it’s nice down there I feel very safe, I can bathe there”.

He smiled with such a heaviness in his eyes, he looked at me and showed me his backpack. “Look you see, I dont hold value in material possessions, I have had everything taken from me you see, these things here… they mean nothing to me”.

I looked down at his backpack, he demonstrated just how weighted down it was. I knew he was use to living outdoors. I mentioned to him, what about the rain? He smiles at me, “Jennifer, don’t worry; God takes care of me”. I smiled back and asked how he was doing, the look of loneliness heavy on his face. He smiles again; looks directly into my eyes and proudly tells me how God used him to help a couple.

He smiles and looks up as he speaks, “I know a feel hopeless, but I never give up. God listens to me, he uses to to help the couple you see. I saw them, man and women walking late one night. I look up and say, Hey you need a place to rest? They come over, I show them here. I have plenty of space to lay my head, this here is a good place, this spot is good for you to rest. Jennifer, I tell them, no body will bother you here”.

He smiles at me. I reply, It made you feel good to help them out. He smiles and nods, “Yes, but what you don’t know. God used me, he talks to me. I helped them out. They stayed there for a few nights. One night they got to fighting you see. I got up, I got between them I said to him; this is not going to happen here”. I looked at him with concern, he smiles back. “No I dont get hurt, I took the woman aside, I tell the man I am going to talk to her. I ask this woman. Do you love this man? Jennifer, she says to me yes , she loves this man. I tell her then you cannot put your hands on this man. You must love him, help him, respect him. She agreed. I go talk to the man.. I ask him, same question. Do you love this woman? He says yes to me. So I tell this man you must love this woman, you cannot fight with her, if she puts her hands on you must must walk away”. He tells me how it filled his heart to help them out. Hope it gives him hope, others might need him.

He goes on to share that he feels so very alone. He is isolated from others, I try to talk about getting him into housing. He smiles back and replies; “No see shelters would not be good for me, I am safe and better out here”.

If you just merely looked at the surface. You would be too quick to judge. A man with nothing worldly, but everything in love.

It is because of clients like him, I love my job. No amount of sin, mental illness, or addiction of any kind wipes away the humanity, empathy, humility and compassion you will find inside.

If I ever doubt there is a higher power. I just listen to my clients, and see the gifts he leaves as reminders for us each and everyday!

#nyfakid #homeless #empathy #love #humanity #hope #faith #awareness #recovery #mentalhealth #addiction #lookbeyondthesurface #broken #christophertownsend #photography #itsthelittlethings #jenz #jenzphelps #phototherapy