(The above image was modified and edited from its original format…. art & digital enhancements by jenzphelps)
#jenz #jenzphelps #unconditionallylovingyou
Unconditionally
Month: February 2019
Can you bring him back to me?
I don’t like it when we fight….
I hate it in fact!
I hate every minute we do not speak…
I hate how you hold your tongue….
I hate the silence!!!
You are far too good at this game!
I hate you for that!
I wear my heart out in the open…
I have been through way too much in life you see…
Far more serious matters,
To dig in over this….
The trivial things….
I will always be blunt!
I am always going to be honest….
I call it how I see it….
I am not so arrogant….
To think, I cannot be corrected!
I am waiting for you!
Waiting for you to speak!
To use your voice…..
When did it fade?
You always were so quick to chime in…
Banter back…. debate….
When did you stop?!
Where is the man,
That was ever soo persistent?
The charmer?
The insatiable flirt?
The light hearted joker?
The boy next door?
The man that pursued me…?
My confident….
The keeper of all my secrets….
The soul; I seek to warm myself by?
Oh yeah…. &
My Best Friend?!
Where? Did he go?
I miss him soo….
Soo, much my heart aches….
Can we find him?
He is my love, you see….
My one, true love!
God…. sent him to me!
Can you please…..
Bring him back to me…….?
#silence #photography #phototherapy #jenzphelps #jenz #thinkingoutloud #feedmysoul #faith #love #emptyyourmind #thestruggleisreal #findingmybliss #livingmybestlife #overlookingmyflaws #lettinggo #couragetochange #sfami #alanon #loveunconditionally
Overthinking….
I get it!
I know myself,
I acknowledge that I overthink;
Every spoken and unspoken word.
Every action between us.
Every silent moment exchanged…
Nothing, truly goes unnoticed!
I am always looking at both sides of the equation.
I can step outside and see your point of view.
I hear what you are saying.
But…
Do you ever…
Hear me?
We go round & round…
The same conversation!
At what point,
Do the walls stay down?
At what point…
Do both sides surrender?
At what end…
Do we decide…
To…
Let go?
Or
Finally…
Begin?
There has to be a common ground.
A starting point.
A place where we both,
Finally agree!
To just move forward…
To take a chance…
To trust in each other!
I can’t do it alone…
You must meet me half way!
That requires a you & I…
Stepping outside those comfortable boxes!
Those gaurded walls…
That hold us tight!
It means….
You take my hand,
You confide in me;
As I have you!
You trust in me;
As I have you!
It means we love unconditionally….
Doesn’t matter what sins,
What flaws,
What transgressions…
Have been committed…
Because when all is said & done.
After all the skeletons have come out…
At the end of the day…
My heart…
Still loves you!
Still wants you!
Still sees you…
For the man that you are,
The man you have always been!
It’s always been you!
Soo….
Yeah!
I might, Overthink things you see…
But…. I also…
Love; oh, so very DEEP!
#overlookingmyflaws #photography #phototherapy #jenzphelps #jenz #thinkingoutloud #feedmysoul #faith #love #emptyyourmind #findingmyjoy #selfcare #mindfulness #healthycopingskills #artistherapeutic #findingmybliss #livingmybestlife #overthinking #unconditionallylovingyou
DEAR John
I am not sure exactly where *Kevin*…. left and when Johnny stepped back in.
I have been so busy, looking beyond that mask…. Looking beyond the hurt, the pain; the self destruction…. I have been too busy sorting through my own chaos of emotions…. I was selfish and self absorbed you see….
I didn’t see you… It’s almost like you step in to protect *Kevin*, when he feels overwhelmed by life, or emotions or circumstances that perhaps he feels are beyond his control. It can’t be easy… to feel alone in the world; hurt by most everyone you ever loved or once trusted…
*Kevin* judges himself the hardest of all… He often forgets the good the lives inside him. The light that shines so brightly it often bursts out like a flame in the darkest of nights…. it draws any lost souls seeking comfort or shelter in…
Of course… *Kevin* just grins…. he burns brighter, warmer and welcomed them all to come sit by his fire….
*Kevin* is comfort, warmth, love for many….
He is loved because he puts a smile in everyone’s heart…. He opens up…. without meaning to… He let’s the wanderers in….
I am starting to see….
I am starting to fear…
That Johnny;
You may never disappear.
I appreciate your purpose….
I respect that you have gaurded him this far.
I fear…
I fear, that he has forgotten….
What it is like to be Simply *Kevin*…..
Dear John;
*Kevin* doesn’t need you anymore….
It’s ok to feel…
It’s ok to hurt….
It’s ok to love!
It’s ok to be scared.
It’s ok to be confused…
It’s ok to simply not have it all figured out yet.
*Kevin* has a voice…
He needs to exercise that more….
Dear John,
You might be surprised to learn; that *Kevin* is actually very articulate and insightful and intellectual. In fact; John, he is far smarter and Cleaver than me!
You see John….
I am slowly and painfully realizing…
I am a lost cause.
I am a hopeless romantic…
I want the impossible….
I believe in the impossible!
I am simply….. unrealistic.
I lost myself; my way, my spirit…..
I am not sure about all that.
But John…..
I don’t think you’re good for *Kevin*!
I might be delusional and hopeless….
I might be quite the FOOL….
I might be in actual Real Love for the first time in my life….
But….
I am if nothing, John… a Realist & honest!
*Kevin*…. doesn’t seem to really want to move on with his life. He is stuck. He seems content with existing in this current state & world….
And well; John…. i… I am not!
I miss my friend! I miss the boy I once knew…. I miss the joy in his heart & soul… He had that John…. he had that before you!
Even with his childhood trauma… he had joy, laughter, & love in his soul!
I know this John… because he shared all of that growing up with me!
You seem to have numbed him…. and I hate it!
He has built this wall that he simply will NOT let me inside… and I hate it!
I hate it;
Because John…
I can see it…
I can see; what *Kevin* is doing….
I love him you see….
It’s simply….
Tearing me apart.
*Kevin* has you to protect him….
*Kevin* has substances to numb himself at times from the world….
I you see, John;
I have boxed myself into a corner…
I have stood on this moral ground of principles…
I took this calling;
To help & serve…
I, being me…..
Took it; seriously…..
I, being me….
Felt the weight, of my choices.
I carried the guilt…
I was & am soo very self aware of my actions….
Soo painfully soo!!!
At times…
It’s agonizing…….
I hurt,
I carry pain,
I want, need, long, lust….
I desire….
I also am simply put…
Human!
John,
I so often feel like *Kevin*, puts me under the Glass dome….
Like, there you go Jen…..
See, I love you!
You, mean soo much to me!
Look….
But…. nobody touch!
Or speak too….
That Glass dome, John…
It’s isolating and suffocating….
It’s cold & lonely!
Simply put…
I am just not…
Meant to be looked at from afar John….
I am not meant to be kept; in a box!
I was made to be played with!
Pushed, touched,
Embraced, loved & explored!
I fear *Kevin*….
Views me as a collectable of sorts…
A gaurded, treasured memory of his past. A friend, and John….
Well….
I love *Kevin* with ALL that I am….
But that simply…. will not do!
Dear John,
It is my deepest hope in life,
That you leave and never return. Because I believe that *Kevin* is safe and no longer needs you!
But I cannot stay up on this shelf under this Glass Dome anymore!
I need someone present; someone that is walking along beside me…. Not someone holding me under glass to protect & preserve…..
Dear John,
I am already BROKEN….
Doesn’t *Kevin* know this….
I just wanted a partner…..
Checkmate….
#addictionrecovery #mentalhealthawarenes #mindfulness #healthycopingskills #love #emptyyourmind #findingmyjoy #selfcare #hope #lettinggo #jenz #jenzphelps #findingmybliss #livingmybestlife #overlookingmyflaws #lettinggoofthepast #followingmymoralcompass #unconditionallylovingyou #couragetochange #sfami #alanon
Took a risk…. submitted a post; for publication!
Final Destination…. Rock Bottom
I could say soo much!
It’s simply too easy!
I could tear you down;
Piece by piece….
I could shred apart;
Every girl before me….
I could!
It would be … sooo easy!
But for what?
What purpose does that serve?
What need does that meet?
My EGO?
That doesn’t need feeding…..
It was my heart….
My heart that craved your attention.
Those stand ins?
They don’t really matter…..
Look at the voids you are trying to fill.
Look at the ways you are trying to numb yourself…
Look….
Look!
Look into the mirror….
Do you even recognize;
The man; starring back?
Hey!
Just in case….
You were wondering….
This,
This is ROCK bottom!
Now….
What are you going to do?
#addictionrecovery #mentalhealthawarenes #mindfulness #healthycopingskills #love #emptyyourmind #thestruggleisreal #addiction #sfami #alanon #couragetochange
jenzphelps 