I go 90 miles an hour during the week… from one task, duty, client, chore, responsibly…. to the next.
It’s not until I get home… settle down.. when my world slowly comes to an end. This deadening silence creeps in….
Monday through Thursday not but so bad….
As I have the work week to distract me…. Volunteer obligations, parenteral duties, household chores…. ect…..
But…. Friday nights….. into the weekend… where time just seems to linger and taunt you… the deadening silence grows so strong…. it feels like it has glass for fingers ripping at you from the inside trying to break free from being caged within you….
For silence….has never been so shattering loud!
I have been restless my entire life…. Restless for what? I honestly could not tell you…. just searching… looking, seeking, wanting, waiting…..
I think that’s what. Those ship wrecked skeletons must have felt like…. you see images of them, people stumbling across them posed clothed tattered and torn but oddly intact… as if… they just sat there…
Waiting… waiting for what?…
I ask myself the same…. what is it in life, I don’t have? That I am missing soo… that this Deadening Silence just seems to grow….
I write to you because…. honestly I don’t know! Not that you reply… I think it eases my mind the illusion that perhaps you might be reading on the other end. That just maybe… I am not as alone as I feel at times. Perhaps I too am human after all!
I miss conversation…. so very much! Just real, good, intriguing conversation…. verbatim and exchange of ideas… I miss people with orginal thoughts! Minds if their own. Independent thinkers, dreamers, explorers…..
It’s sad to say… some of my best conversations lately have been with my clients! They at least give me something real, honest and raw….. I value that…
I don’t know what life is calling me to do… but i have never been more restless in my life…. something has got to change.
I thought going to school would fix it… no
I thought being on board of nursing would..no
I thought girl scouts would… no
I thought art group would… no
I thought family support group would… no
All of those things… help!
But something is still missing…
Missing so loud….
Its scrapping away at me from the inside out…
I can hear it in the quiet moments of the day…
The silence is…. Deadening!
#jenz #jenzphelps
jenzphelps 