Deadening Silence


I go 90 miles an hour during the week… from one task, duty, client, chore, responsibly…. to the next.

It’s not until I get home… settle down.. when my world slowly comes to an end. This deadening silence creeps in….
Monday through Thursday not but so bad….
As I have the work week to distract me…. Volunteer obligations, parenteral duties, household chores…. ect…..
But…. Friday nights….. into the weekend… where time just seems to linger and taunt you… the deadening silence grows so strong…. it feels like it has glass for fingers ripping at you from the inside trying to break free from being caged within you….
For silence….has never been so shattering loud!
I have been restless my entire life…. Restless for what? I honestly could not tell you…. just searching… looking, seeking, wanting, waiting…..
I think that’s what. Those ship wrecked skeletons must have felt like…. you see images of them, people stumbling across them posed clothed tattered and torn but oddly intact… as if… they just sat there…
Waiting… waiting for what?…
I ask myself the same…. what is it in life, I don’t have? That I am missing soo… that this Deadening Silence just seems to grow….
I write to you because…. honestly I don’t know! Not that you reply… I think it eases my mind the illusion that perhaps you might be reading on the other end. That just maybe… I am not as alone as I feel at times. Perhaps I too am human after all!
I miss conversation…. so very much! Just real, good, intriguing conversation…. verbatim and exchange of ideas… I miss people with orginal thoughts! Minds if their own. Independent thinkers, dreamers, explorers…..
It’s sad to say… some of my best conversations lately have been with my clients! They at least give me something real, honest and raw….. I value that…
I don’t know what life is calling me to do… but i have never been more restless in my life…. something has got to change.
I thought going to school would fix it… no
I thought being on board of nursing would..no
I thought girl scouts would… no
I thought art group would… no
I thought family support group would… no
All of those things… help!
But something is still missing…
Missing so loud….
Its scrapping away at me from the inside out…
I can hear it in the quiet moments of the day…
The silence is…. Deadening!

#jenz #jenzphelps

I don’t always have it all figured out….

When I don’t understand life…

I throw myself into work!

It’s not necessarily a bad thing mind you. It can truly be a survival skill.

It is easy to say; this last year….

Yeah… emm…

Who am I kidding these last…. 20 years I seem to have been lost.

Trying my best to find my way. Trying to manage; to make some sort of reasonable sense out of my life.

Yeah…. I know… Good Luck with that as well…

Probably the easiest thing to actually identify in my life is this. The only true constant in my life… has been my faith!

&

My determination to succeed!

My stubbornness to prove Everything & Everyone wrong.

My moral compass that guides my code of ethics that literally leads my core. Its innately ingrained within me, to see the pain in others. To reach deep inside them & remind them they are loved.

I feel called from deep within my soul to

Sometimes…. I wish… I could turn off that switch… to not care do deeply….

Yet…. Here…I stand!

#findingmypeace #feedmysoul #emptyyourmund

Gypsy Soul

It’s that time of year….

I get restless;

Need a little change!

#gypsy #gypsysoul #changemakesyougrow #momentsintime #makingmemories #wheredoesthetimego #embraceyourself #livingmybestlife #jenzphelps #jenz

Just by letting go…

You make room…

For what’s to Come!

There’s power & strength in that!

#jenz #jenzphelps #phototherapy #lifemoments #lettinggo #embraceyourself #livingmybestlife #letyourlightshinebright #reflection #feedsmysoul #πŸ’―truth

Never meant to hold you on that pedestal

A little time away…

Time without you burnt into my brain.

Leads to perspective.

I often wonder…

If my expectations or memories of the past; were simply that….

Simply…

Too much of me & not enough of you!

I never meant to hold you up on that pedestal;

I never meant to cage you in.

I never meant to steal your identity…

I never wanted to change who you were.

I often wonder…

If I did just that…

I never wanted you to feel less than…

I never wanted you to hide…

I never wanted you to feel guilty or ashamed…

I loved you…

For everything that you are…

I just never meant…

For us to …

End this way.

I am sorry for that.

I hope you find your happiness one day.

That’s the least,

We all deserve.

I am working on that…

Finding my own peace!

#respect #love #friendship #addiction #recovery #awareness #mindfulness #lettinggo #givingittogod #findingmypeace #faith #hope #mentalhealthawareness #addictionrecovery #rmdrake #truth #feedsmysoul #rmdrakequotes

Letting go…

I realize erasing you from my life might seem cruel….

But it’s truly more of my survival….

I can’t watch you keep doing this…

I can’t unsee the things I know!

I can’t restore the innocence from our past….

I can… severe the ties….

I can… walk completely away.

I can…..

I can…. try; at least!

Before what love is left….

Fades quickly into Hate.

#lettinggo #givingittogod #findingmypeace #faith #hope #lovehurts

Codependency

I am soo mad at you….

It’s a reoccurring theme I know!

I am mad you opened that door…

Mad you pushed your way back in!

Mad you did it knowing you weren’t in a good space!

Mad you lied!

Over & over again!

I know… your choosing to withhold truths…. isn’t what you call lying!

But reality…. it is!

I am mad you have given up!

That you settle for less than what you are capable of!

Settle for less!

As if its ok!

Just another day….

I hate what you have become!

Because I know you to be soo much more!

I hate that you feel you have the right..to pop in & out of my life!

But dare I expect to hear if you’re ok!

I hate how selfish you are!

How you disregard the worry you create!

I hate that I care….

Soo deeply & much!

I hate just how codependent I have become.

How I feel compelled to help you…

Pray for you…

Love you!

Regardless of it all….

I hate that I see you at your very worst…

Yet… I still accept you!

I hate how you do not!

Most of all….

I hate that you are hurting!

I hate it….

Soo, very much!

#addiction #recovery #awareness #mindfulness #stopthestigma #selfcare #healthycopingskills #codependent #nami #alanon #sfami #pain #love #lovehurts #broken #beautifullybroken #loveyousoomuch

Somedays… You are Human, too…

Sometimes working in addiction or behavioral health is a struggle in itself. Your job is to help, uplift, guide, role model, praise, support! But somedays…. you are also… human!

I often hear how life is hard…

How people can’t get up or function…

How the system is designed to make them fail…

How lifes not fair!

How they just don’t have the money for medication…

How they just don’t have time to work…

Or time to attend meetings….

*yet, we all have 24 hours in each day*

Ect….

And for the most part….

I understand….

I see the struggle within them…

I see the need…

I see the lack of coping skills…

I see the pain…

I see the trauma…

I see the hurt!

I see the Addiction!

I see the Mental illness…

I see the disease!

But there are times….

I am human…

I want to scream…

Who do you think pays my bills?

Who do you think pays for my daughters medicine when a prior auth is needed?

Hello… we go without until the auth can be done! *just like everyone else!*

I want to scream…. so sorry you had to wait 30 mintues today…. while I take no lunch, & stay till 8pm…

*dont mind my 12 hour day, so i make sure your needs are meet*

I want to say… Giving up…

That’s the easy part!

Try getting back up each day….

Try looking beyond your bubble…

Beyond your pain…

Try…

Just try!

Other days…

I am proud…

Proud to see each client come to their appointments!

*no matter how late *

Because I know what effort it took for them to get there!

I rush to get the paperwork done so their authorization goes through…

Because… i know they need their medicine…

I praise them for just showing up!

Remind them to not focus on the relapse…

Remind them…

This is a disease!

A life long battle…

That isn’t won in a day!

I love my job…

But somedays…

I need them to remember…

I am human… too!

#goodreminder #alanon #sfami #recovery #awareness #mindfulness #lettinggo #givingittogod #findingmypeace #faith #hope #mentalhealthawareness #addiction #ittakesavillage #compassion

Sometimes I have compassion & empathy in abundance…. Some days… the excuses, the reasons people give up are too much… Those days, I want to shout! Its just another hurdle life is giving you… But… Guess what!
Life also gives us all those hurdles! We each have to overcome…. You’re not as alone as you feel! We all struggle! But we all don’t get to just give up…

Tomorrow… you get to fight for another day!
#thestruggleisreal