If I don’t write… I will explode!

So I guess, my hiatus is over from writing…… I have been keeping things bottled up inside for too long. Not really true. I am if anything honest! I had my confidant, my best friend… I was able to write and unload to him… that stopped working, when life has a way of changing seasons….

I have. however, greatly enjoyed getting to know a friend better and all our new conversations! And I have never seen such the mirroring soul in someone before… I may have meet my universal kindred spirit in that friendship. I think it is Gods way of helping me not lose my mind! The universe’s way of keeping balance within these Libra scales!

I however, am still off kilter…. last Friday learning of my diagnosis being highly probable of renal carcinoma in my right, kidney; learning that the small mass that was found accidentally in November that; I thought would be monitored for a year. Had in fact, in 4 mouths doubled in size and now needs to come out surgically.

I was in a bit of shell shock last Friday…. I had some time to adjust. I realize, in the grand scheme of things, it could be worse! That I am lucky we have found it so early, and that they can remove it with just talk of a partial Nephrectomy. I do realize my blessings!!

Its still a lot to digest!

But… I had, done just that….

I did not expect, to start having pain!!! I have been having a warm, warming or burning sensation over my right kidney area. Prior to me knowing I had a mass. No pain just a warming sensation. It is the same kidney, I had stones in last year and had the stint in briefly.

Last night I started having pain with the warming and burning sensation near my right kidney area. It progressed throughout the night and into the morning.

It caught me off gaurd! I felt a sense of alarm and even panic to be honest… Fear… let’s be honest…. kidney stone pain… HURTS! That alone is traumatic and creates some PTSD of it’s own! As in hyper reactive or anticipated response to what the pain will be….

Then the REALITY of it all….. that I have a renal mass!! That I really might have cancer! Starts crashing down…. As I try and work through the pain and discomfort… it is getting no better! I start struggling with.not wanting to tell anyone about it! Not wanting to make a big deal over it… not wanting to seem weak or needy or vulnerable.

People say ask for help! But do they really mean it? Let’s be honest…. we all have busy lives! Most of us are doing good to manage our own lives daily and survive. Who wants to be a burden? Most people truly can’t see past their own problems. I am a nurse! A caregiver, a certified substance abuse counselor , a mental health professional…. guess what!? Most all of those titles dont initially think to inquire about someone’s well being outside of our own crisis… Because guess what?! We are human…!

If the man I loved for 4 years well let’s not bring that into this….. people just aren’t comfortable…. with the uncomfortable conversations!

You have to just know this and understand it….. realize that it is not a personal thing! That people in general love you, they do the very best they can and allow them the grace to do so!

We all have our battles to fight. Today… mine was pain! I called the Urologist… she was not sure why I was having the burning and warming sensation that has been a mystery to them…. Western medicine at least. I however…. did a bit of reading today….

I read up on kideny cancer and masses. I read up on partial Nephrectomy and treatments and pre surgery and post surgery and I also read up on the kidney. I learned a lot of fascinating things!

Turns out…. in Eastern medicine it is not uncommon to feel or experience a burning or warming sensation or pain over the kidney area when you are ill or have disease in that area. Because Eastern medicine the Kidney is a vital part of chi and flow or energy so when blocked you have a pooling or build up of that energy.

I also started feeling overwhelmed today… Everything has happened so quickly, so fast! My surgery is set for April 22nd 2020; and that was me pushing it back to then. Originally they were looking at possible March 27th! I needed more time….. I chose not to get a second opinion, because the mass doubled in size so fast in 4 months time. But after reading today… I do have some questions!

I have confidence in my doctor. But after reading about the surgeries types. I do have questions…. like how many of these have you done? How many have been performed using the robot? From I what have read, your doctor needs to be really well trained and have done a lot of surgeries on the robot to safely consider them for a partial Nephrectomy. If they have to do a full Nephrectomy, instead that a cardiothqlogist should be consulted as they have to stop your heart and place you temporarily on a bypass machine.

My Urologist mentioned the possibility of a full Nephrectomy but never the details of the latter…

This started out in my mind as a little simple surgery…. it is… but its NOT!

I am just having discomfort today and just tired! Thank God… I have a supportive boss! And work environment… She really encouraged me to stay home today. I needed that! Because I was going to push myself to work through the pain and go in.

I can’t help but keep thinking…. with everything in life I have overcome! There must be a purpose for this too! There has to be a reason!

I keep hearing in my head…

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 New International Version (NIV)

A Time for Everything

3 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity.

So there must be a reason for this!

Jenz

#jenz #jenzphelps #momentslikethese #lettinggo #healing #selfcare #mindfulness #emptyyourmind #thestruggleisreal #pain #feedmysoul #truth #faith #love #hope #kidneymass #kidneycancer #renalcarcinoma #tumors #life #thistoodhallpass #next #countingmyblessings

Happy Valentine’s Day …

How fitting, probably the truest act of LOVE you could have shown me. Doing what I did not have the strength to do. Severe that final tie….

I would have dragged it out…. till death did us part! You and I! I would not have left …. watching over you….. I couldn’t….. I tried!!! So, many times!

I could be bitter and spew hate…. like hot lava from my veins. But behind that hate is love. Even I can recognize that in myself.

My mind is racing…

My mind is racing….

It’s like fragments of a puzzle, floating above me tonight… I cannot seem to grasp the pieces.

Each piece seem to hold it’s own universe. Within it it’s own life span and story!

Door number one! What do we see, but a girl tormented by love lost from childhood past…..

Door number two! What do we see? As that puzzle piece yet, alludes me… but; worry and angst of fear over well being! It’s the caregiver in me…. the nurses ethics, my core being! The mother in me…….

Door number three! What do we see? Yet still a never ending film on loop of clients and duties, and professional obligations!

Door number four! Yet… could there still be more? Why yes! You see, this is a world of parenting, motherhood, kids, Bill’s, debt, my health and adulting!

Door number five! Yes, yes…. you are still alive! This is a world of endless possibilities….. this is where I am stuck you see!

My mind races!

Breaking down Walls

I am a creature of habit!

I trust so few… to let into my inner sanctum!

I finally am able to see myself kissing another man…. Do you know how hard that even was for me? After Everything I gave you?….

I don’t just randomly pick a guy to move on too… I dont just hop around! There has to be Substance! Intellect, interest, there has to be something more that the superficial flesh! Or material world!

I need to be challenged! I need to thrive! I need to feel alive! Wanted, needed, persued, desired, respected! Cared for….. valued!! There has to be a basic foundation of friendship!!! And interests…..

It takes more than shiny toys and flashing lights, more than fast talk and three letter texts…. Try full on sentences! Conversations, exchange of ideas! Having a real opinion on the world!

The sexiest triat a man has is his mind!

Wyd? Simply will not do!

How about take in a art show or two? Try a cultural event… A nature hike? Nothing fancy…. try being civic minded… thinking of someone other than yourself!

Try to be involved! Showing UP! For anything would be nice! Community engagement, volunteering, work, something!

Find your passion and live it!

Owning your TRUTHS!

Having grown up conversations… yeah, the real awkward kind even!

Being real!

Sometimes…. I think… how much easier life would be…. If we all just put it all out there like that!

It’s harder than it seems… easier to write than find someone that meets that list!

So yeah…

If…. I dare… move on… or let down that guard… after I denied so many before…. while I was so loyal…. and devoted to you!

I am growing!

I am changing!

I am getting stronger!

It takes a lot… a special kind of man….

For me… to trust!

To open up too!

it’s not a everyday thing you see!

I am NOT one of those girls!

I am not and have never been one of those girls!

I have never…. relied on, or needed a man!

I have never relied on or depended on a relationship!

So if I let you in….

If I dare let you inside my inner sanctum…..

Then I have given thought to this… I have assessed your risk! And I have placed trust within you…..

Know…. that was not!

A easy thing….. for me to ever do!!!

Closing Doors

Some days I am more DONE than others! You have a way of tugging at my heart strings. Past lives, you say? Maybe!

Some days, I feel empathy still and worry for you…

I will probably always care… this is just simply a fact I have come to accept! After all I have known you since 2nd grade… I have loved you… Since 16! I have been vulnerable to you since 43, when you took my last wall down!

I am moving on! I have too! Have you ever stopped to see or bothered to look at the pain in my eyes? God!! If you could only feel the weight of worry I carry in my chest at times!

I cannot stay here anymore! I will suffocate and die!

You however, thrive off chaos and mayhem…. I cannot function in that world! I will NOT !!!

You left a gapping hole of darkness, in my heart where pain and worry settled in. It has been agonizing for the last few years, loving you the way I do!

I finally somehow…. managed to let a fraction of light to filter into the cracks and grow in the darkness….

I found that even the smallest light has the power to warm my core from the inside!

It can give me hope… that maybe one day! Ray’s of light will again find their way into the darkness and start to live and take hold!

That I too, am worthy of living in the light… I too, am worthy of being loved; one day as, I have so unconditionally loved you!

That I too, am worthy of finding such a love of my own!

That when I do!

Unlike you!

I will NOT…

Squander it away….

I will recognize it for all its Glory…

I will cherish all it has to offer!

I will NOT be so vain!

So greedy!

I will embrace all it has to offer me!

Unlike you….

I will push, explore, enjoy and be true…. to all tha;ย  my new found love might bring to light…

You might… be my first True LOVE!

I may always hold love for you…

BUT…. hear me NOW!!!

I and I alone…..

Am the Master of my own Fate!

I will not…. I shall not!

Lay waste anymore……

Over you!!!

You do not deserve my loyalty or devotion….. you simply no longer have earned it! Truth be told!

You have not …. done the work; to maintain such A sacrifice! You have not!!

It’s time…. I make room…. for someone new…. time I close the door on our past!

So I may open the door on my future….. with, someone new!

With whatever the universe decides to offer or send my way! That I open the door to possibilities!

All the possibilities that I had closed myself off too for the last 4 years! Just waiting….. & caring for & loving you! In the voids of your SILENCE!

This is not a threat, or put down, or regret…. I needed that time… I needed to try! I needed to see if….

If I was there for you…. If I loved you enough… If I opened up enough, if I was honest back about how I also felt! If…. If it would make a difference!

But I fear

Time simply….. was not, on our side!

Too many roadblocks *if you will*….

Distractions….

You!

But is that the point?

None of it… should have mattered!

If…. IF…. we were true! 

I have to believe…. Everything happens for a Reason! A Time and a Season!

2020…. Let the Healing Begin!

From suffering… we give birth to new life… We create!

I have been working with kids and adults in Substance Use disorders and Mental Health disorders now for over 20 years through out my nursing career…. cleaning out old boxes today… I came across old photos, and letters, drawings kids had done for me, poems given to me over the years… I found these two… how fittingย  for today’s times… I remember even back then… how insightful he was in his poetry at such a young age! It amazes me, how we can create such beautiful words, and paint such vivid images from such angst and pain; fromnthe darkest corners of my lives and minds there is new life waiting to be born!

#momentsintime #feedmysoul #truth #faith #love #emptyyourmind #hope #selfcare #mindfulness #healthycopingskills #addictionawareness #addictionrecovery #addiction #addictionisadisease #jenz #jenzphelps

(The poems are written by Chris Waye as dated in the photos)

Milestones….

So I reached a life milestone! Something,ย  I never imagined possible…. Something that never even occurred to me that was an attainable goal. This week, I had the honor of being elected as President to the board of nursing!ย  It is something that, I take seriously,ย  and with pride, as it is an honor to serve on the board, of such highly respected colleagues and peers, in such a well respected profession.
But it is also for me as a nurse, and as a LPN, someone that has fought through my nursing career to prove: my voice matters too! It is just , truly an overwhelming feeling, in hindsight…. I dont think it truly hit me, until my drive home today!
It’s going to be an amazing year, for growth, development and life experiences!
I am embracing all that is to come in 2020!

#lifegoals #dowork #gettingitdone #milestones #feedmysoul

Individuality

I feel like every school picture day as a child… I set myself up for failure!ย  LoL, my mom would set out what I was to wear, I would go her back… determined to wear my own style!ย  Do my own hair, accessories ect..ย ย  we would fight over clothes more than anything growing up! I feel like sometimes, I have been fighting my entire life…. to be heard… to have a voice!ย  To have a say…. to be an individual!

Sometimes you get so caught up in the fight… you forget… what it means, exactly!  *to be an individual? * inna time we are fighting to be a United body as a nation, as citizens, as neighbors….

It’s just a larger than life concept,  so much more than just one individual!

#momentsintime #feedmysoul #truth #faith #love #emptyyourmind #findingmyjoy #thestruggleisreal #embraceyourself #findingmybliss #livingmybestlife #overlookingmyflaws #lettinggoofthepast #reflections #phototherapy #randomphotoshelpbreakuptheday #jenz #jenzphelps

Lost in prayer

I lost my prayerbox necklace…. I have carried a prayer for you around my neck daily…

For the last three and a half years…. it seems odd, unnatural even…. to not be wearing it today!

I am trying so hard… to not think of you daily….

I often fail!

You seem to be imprinted on my soul

There has always been a bond between you and I…. there is no denying that!

I have never hidden from you how compelled I have felt…. to care for you… prayer for you,ย  watch over you, love you! Never have I denied how much you mean or matter to me… you are my world…

But even that…. must have it’s limits…

Tonight…. I feel so naked…. without my prayerbox…..

Power of prayer Hebrews 11;1 FAITH

It may seem silly…. but it was do comforting. To know and have your name written down in prayer along with others… it kept you present and close to me. It helped me let go of the worry I carry around for you.

All the times I never hear back from you…. or all the times, I get the gut feeling you are not doing well…. or all the times you day to me…. *I’m fine* but I know that you aren’t….

Prayer allowed me to find peace…. This is such an odd place…. to be in right now…. us.. not talking!

Personally….. I hate it! Even if its what needs to be right now…. I will forever… love you!

Endless love

the times;