I really am just…… raw!
I feel like honestly, someone pulled out the glass bottom of the floor from underneath me. I could see it all crumbling around me, holes in your stories, your irrational behavior, the patterns that all scream ADDICTION!
I know…. I work in this field, I see it daily. I knew! I just wanted to believe in you! I wanted to believe, you were better than the man standing before me. Than what you were showing me, over and over again. I wanted to believe that the boy I fell in love with. The man I love: still exists!
All the denial and protests; all the times you stood me up, canceled plans, broken promises, just failed to show up! Be true to your word! All the times you Choose drugs, your drug friends, that life, over me! Over us! Over…. treatment, healing, moving on!!!
Yes! Yes….. I know, it’s a disease! I am well aware; I advocate daily to this fact. Yes! I know…. but… you made active choices… time & time again! You are making them still!
You are chosing drugs, to numb your pain, over even trying treatment! Even trying help offered; even being open to it! You are choosing drugs and these drug dealers and your drug using friends….. over me, your family! & a better future for yourself! Over healing….. Don’t you deserve; to heal from your pain? You hold the power to sstart that journey! Only you!!!
Yes, that makes me mad! So mad! It’s one thing, to not understand why you seek out drugs, or need them. But, you know! We have talked about it in great detail. (You are the smartest man I know. Making decisions… Chosing…. to suffer! When you know thare is help… waiting for you!) Its another, to know and just continue down the same path… time & time again…. destroying yourself, & everyone you love!
I will not just sit by and watch you, self destruct, just sit by and watch you…. throw away your life on drugs! On a pity party, about how horrible life is! How noone cares? (Seriously….. ! Do you not see me? Hear my pleas? See the worry? My restless nights?)
Yes, life sucks! It does, you have had some truly horrible things happen to you throughout life! You are resilient! Strong! You have already overcome! You are also the anchor I cling to, but…. lately …. I cannot find you!
Why give in now? ….. I am here…. I have been here!!! Rooting for you! Cheering you on! Supporting you! Fighting along side you…. I want you to win! To overcome this battle…. I know you can.
But what I see…. is a man that acts like he has given up! Like he has no choice! When in fact He is hanging on by a thin thread…. ironically…… a spider’s web, is one of the finest threads spun…. yet: also the strongest!
Isn’t the sheer act of hanging on by a thin thread… even as fine as a spider’s web…. the definition of; (Fighting! Hanging on!)….?
You have choices! Many choices! You just keep choosing the same, tired; endless path!
You are not done yet! You are however…. lost! Lost as hell!.surrounded by the wrong people!!!
How many times do you need to hear me say this? 50? Or 48?….. You choose!
I need you to wake up, before it’s too late! You keep waiting for something?… what exactly are you waiting on?
You do know…. I can yell, scream, talk, pray, love you unconditionally, be mad, detach, walk away….. I can do all those things…… but none of them..
Bring you back….
None of them…. bring you out of the darkness, out of the hurt & pain!
It kills me…. I see you hurting, suffering….. I feel it to my core!
I don’t know what else to do…. but I do know this! I will not…. do you hear me…?
I will NOT…. be caught up, in that tangled web of suffering you are so hell bent on clinging onto!
My path…. I choose, I have chosen; is full of hope! You might be the Love of my Life! My True Love!…
But I will not!
Be apart of that tangled mess you have created! A web of lies, deceit, life filled of drugs & chaos with no end in sight. All because…. A stubborn goat! Choose not to change!
A wise man… once posted:
I am still…. rooting for you and hoping… you see the light soon! Time…. is slipping away from you.
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