Ready… to move beyond cancer.

Ready…. for the next phase of my life!
I am ready to feel like I am back in control of my life!!!
JUST want to move beyond this already!

This all began in November…. one accidental finding… Then what a domino effect…. This was supposed to be my year to focus on my career!

Seems like God and the Universe had other plans…

It has quickly become the year of learning self-care! I am exhausted, tired and just drained mentally. The emotional ups and downs of watching this mass grow inside me, to become known as renal carcinoma.; to accepting that I actually have cancer, to the reality setting in that it really IS cancer! That I AM having surgery, and that …. I have no control over my body….

These are very real and sobering facts…. Who knew there were so many different types of cancer in the world?

You know I have been a nurse for over 27 years! Never in my 27 years have I had a patient with renal carcinoma! I have had all types of cancer patients throughout my career, but never kidney cancer!

It’s funny…. people think (as I did) all cancer is the same…. protocol is the same! Actually not true! … who knew? Nobody tells you this…. Like they do not biopsy kidney or liver cancer due to how vascular they are. There’s too much risk of spreading the cancer in the blood to other areas of the body, so they use radiation or surgery to reduce or remove the cancer.

Good to know huh? Means you have to be able to catch it in time for a good outcome. Before it has time to metastasis to the blood or other areas of the body.

Did you know the kidney itself has no nerve endings? So that ongoing burning in my back…. the one I reported prior to knowing or discovery of the mass… The same warm burning sensation that has grown throughout the growth of the cancerous mass on the same side of the mass…. yeah that one! … has nothing to do with the mass!?…. (but… yet it does!)

Neither does the building of pressure in the back of my kidney where the mass is growing…. (says my surgeon) Note to ALL doctors! And Medical Schools…. here me loud & clear!

You need to adjust your curriculums to include Bedside manner! How to discuss symptoms that ARE to be expected with your patients!

As I referred back to day 1… and that pamphlet you gave me so eager to discuss treatment options! You left out symptoms…..! You forgot to discuss the actual disease! When I called back with symptoms…. you dismissed them… saying they were not related to the mass but clearly they are! As listed in your pamphlet! Or kidney cancer foundation website or hey even Urology Association all referring to symptoms of…. renal carcinoma. Which I stumbled upon googling my symptoms; as you bounced me back to my primary care doctor, who sorta bounced me back to you for a few weeks!… (I get it! Honestly I do…. I am afterall… A nurse, a healthcare provider.. I understand being over worked, having high case loads, being dictated to by insurance companies how to practice)…. BUT! I still…. make time to HEAR my patients out! Especially the ones such as myself that you know never seek out care!

I go get medically cleared for surgery…. as the last few weeks have been up & down…. the chills and fatigue have been unreal. I have been hot natured my entire life. Sleep with a fan, ac going full blast always…. people complain its cold to come visit me. I now sleep with flannel sheets and 4 blankets & a comforter plus a sweater on & pj’s!

WHO AM I?

What have I become?

I never knew what it was like to be chilled to the bone… not able to get warm even in the sunlight. Until now!

I am just tired!

&

Scared…..

Scared…. because today it all became real!

Today started a series of appointments that lead to surgery…..meet with the surgeon on the 19th Radiology on the 20th then pre opt on 5-21-20 get my CVOID-19 test & surgery 5-28-20

I had a good talk with my primary care provider today. He was truly amazing and I really am grateful for that! (Today,, I felt heard finally! He took time to really listen to me and hear me today). He let me vent about the bedside manner and not understanding why the Urologist didn’t explain more. He did a good job listening to me today. And I needed that! He also talked to me and explained my symptoms my pressure in my back building and the increased sediment in my urine & fatigue & chills being all from my cancer. Or related to. I told him a simple statement such as that is all any patent needs… to understand what is going on with their body.

I am not doctor bashing by any means! Both of my providers are amazing and smart i trust them both with my care! I like us all get frustrated however with the system & lack of communication.

I also am a horrible patient! I didn’t take someone with me to my appointments… WRONG! Always take someone else with you that can ask questions and help absorb the information! I was not thinking clearly, I was in shock…. I don’t think until last week it truly hit me when I couldn’t get out of bed! OMG I really (might) have cancer….. then harsh cruel reality hits when you are turning in your FMLA paper work and trying to make leave plans for surgery….

Saying it outloud! I have kidney cancer….. when your client asks why you’re going ou on leave….

That just starts another world of stress… how will they cope ..? While your gone? Well… hopefully you have done your job right during all this; and preparing them they will be resilient as ever!!!

I am struggling with… Letting Go! Of everything…..

Just… Breathe!

#overitalready #jenz #jenzphelps #feedmysoul #emptyyourmind #justbreathe #findingmyzenagain #seekingbalance #seekinglifeslessons #exhausted #thestruggleisreal  #somedaysarebetterthanothers #kidneytumors #kidneycancer #renalcarcinoma

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