I thought if I could love you enough in our 40s….
You would love me like you did when we were 16!
The love you showed me, when we were kids!
The friendship we had!
The bond, that carried us through childhood….
I pushed you away…. back then!
I didn’t know what to do with all that love you had to give!
I honestly…. didn’t really understand it!
I wasn’t even sure, I was worthy!
Your friendship…..
Carried me… out of some of my darkest places in life, over the years.
It was the light in your eyes,
The light in your smile,
The warmth from your hugs….
That I clung to!
I never had to say, too many words…
I could always rest assured….
Your eyes… were upon me!
There was such, comfort in that!

I never really felt the loss of you,
Over the years….
I carried you with me…
In my mind, heart, thoughts…
You were never too far away!
There was always, comfort in that.

I always felt I was in your heart!
I never questioned where I stood…
Because you made sure of that!
You always made me a priority….
At least… to my knowledge…
At least …. when I was around!
You made me feel…..
Valued! Unique! Like noone or nothing could ever replace; what we had!
It was ours… and ours alone!

When all the world was going bad!
I always… had that!
My one great, memory!
My one great moment in life!

So why in our 40s….
Did we destroy… the one great thing we had?
The one perfect moment from life untouched from all the chaos life tends to add?
Why now in my 40s…
Am I finally ready to love you….
Yet you… run scared?

Why now in our 40s…
did you reach back out?
Why now in our 40s…
Do we find ourselves no longer able to communicate?
Why now in our 40s….
Does it all become so complicated?

Why now?
Can I no longer feel your presence with me?

Why now?
Do you no longer make time for me?

Why now?
Am I no longer special to you?

Do you have any idea how that kills my spirit?
Do you ?…
When all I can think of and do is put your needs first!

I will never understand the road maps God hands out!
I get he has picked out each individuals finall destination….
Never in my wildest dreams,
Would I imagine the levels of anguish and pain, one would have to endure…
Just to walk there!

I am tired….
I am so tired of hurting!
I am exhausted to be honest!
It never seems to end.

I really don’t understand anymore,
No matter how many times, I read the map….
How many times, I look at the key…
How many times, I stay on the path!
Go off the path, stay true, follow my moral compass, do the right thing, time and time again…….

I find myself……
Right…. back….. here!

#jenz #jenzphelps #momentslikethese #lettinggo #artistherapeutic #love #hope #faith #lovehurtssometimes #findingmybliss #feedmysoul #findingmyself #thestruggleisreal #embraceyourself #emptyyourmind

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