Closing Doors

Some days I am more DONE than others! You have a way of tugging at my heart strings. Past lives, you say? Maybe!

Some days, I feel empathy still and worry for you…

I will probably always care… this is just simply a fact I have come to accept! After all I have known you since 2nd grade… I have loved you… Since 16! I have been vulnerable to you since 43, when you took my last wall down!

I am moving on! I have too! Have you ever stopped to see or bothered to look at the pain in my eyes? God!! If you could only feel the weight of worry I carry in my chest at times!

I cannot stay here anymore! I will suffocate and die!

You however, thrive off chaos and mayhem…. I cannot function in that world! I will NOT !!!

You left a gapping hole of darkness, in my heart where pain and worry settled in. It has been agonizing for the last few years, loving you the way I do!

I finally somehow…. managed to let a fraction of light to filter into the cracks and grow in the darkness….

I found that even the smallest light has the power to warm my core from the inside!

It can give me hope… that maybe one day! Ray’s of light will again find their way into the darkness and start to live and take hold!

That I too, am worthy of living in the light… I too, am worthy of being loved; one day as, I have so unconditionally loved you!

That I too, am worthy of finding such a love of my own!

That when I do!

Unlike you!

I will NOT…

Squander it away….

I will recognize it for all its Glory…

I will cherish all it has to offer!

I will NOT be so vain!

So greedy!

I will embrace all it has to offer me!

Unlike you….

I will push, explore, enjoy and be true…. to all tha;Β  my new found love might bring to light…

You might… be my first True LOVE!

I may always hold love for you…

BUT…. hear me NOW!!!

I and I alone…..

Am the Master of my own Fate!

I will not…. I shall not!

Lay waste anymore……

Over you!!!

You do not deserve my loyalty or devotion….. you simply no longer have earned it! Truth be told!

You have not …. done the work; to maintain such A sacrifice! You have not!!

It’s time…. I make room…. for someone new…. time I close the door on our past!

So I may open the door on my future….. with, someone new!

With whatever the universe decides to offer or send my way! That I open the door to possibilities!

All the possibilities that I had closed myself off too for the last 4 years! Just waiting….. & caring for & loving you! In the voids of your SILENCE!

This is not a threat, or put down, or regret…. I needed that time… I needed to try! I needed to see if….

If I was there for you…. If I loved you enough… If I opened up enough, if I was honest back about how I also felt! If…. If it would make a difference!

But I fear

Time simply….. was not, on our side!

Too many roadblocks *if you will*….

Distractions….

You!

But is that the point?

None of it… should have mattered!

If…. IF…. we were true! 

I have to believe…. Everything happens for a Reason! A Time and a Season!

2020…. Let the Healing Begin!

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