So I guess, my hiatus is over from writing…… I have been keeping things bottled up inside for too long. Not really true. I am if anything honest! I had my confidant, my best friend… I was able to write and unload to him… that stopped working, when life has a way of changing seasons….

I have. however, greatly enjoyed getting to know a friend better and all our new conversations! And I have never seen such the mirroring soul in someone before… I may have meet my universal kindred spirit in that friendship. I think it is Gods way of helping me not lose my mind! The universe’s way of keeping balance within these Libra scales!

I however, am still off kilter…. last Friday learning of my diagnosis being highly probable of renal carcinoma in my right, kidney; learning that the small mass that was found accidentally in November that; I thought would be monitored for a year. Had in fact, in 4 mouths doubled in size and now needs to come out surgically.

I was in a bit of shell shock last Friday…. I had some time to adjust. I realize, in the grand scheme of things, it could be worse! That I am lucky we have found it so early, and that they can remove it with just talk of a partial Nephrectomy. I do realize my blessings!!

Its still a lot to digest!

But… I had, done just that….

I did not expect, to start having pain!!! I have been having a warm, warming or burning sensation over my right kidney area. Prior to me knowing I had a mass. No pain just a warming sensation. It is the same kidney, I had stones in last year and had the stint in briefly.

Last night I started having pain with the warming and burning sensation near my right kidney area. It progressed throughout the night and into the morning.

It caught me off gaurd! I felt a sense of alarm and even panic to be honest… Fear… let’s be honest…. kidney stone pain… HURTS! That alone is traumatic and creates some PTSD of it’s own! As in hyper reactive or anticipated response to what the pain will be….

Then the REALITY of it all….. that I have a renal mass!! That I really might have cancer! Starts crashing down…. As I try and work through the pain and discomfort… it is getting no better! I start struggling with.not wanting to tell anyone about it! Not wanting to make a big deal over it… not wanting to seem weak or needy or vulnerable.

People say ask for help! But do they really mean it? Let’s be honest…. we all have busy lives! Most of us are doing good to manage our own lives daily and survive. Who wants to be a burden? Most people truly can’t see past their own problems. I am a nurse! A caregiver, a certified substance abuse counselor , a mental health professional…. guess what!? Most all of those titles dont initially think to inquire about someone’s well being outside of our own crisis… Because guess what?! We are human…!

If the man I loved for 4 years well let’s not bring that into this….. people just aren’t comfortable…. with the uncomfortable conversations!

You have to just know this and understand it….. realize that it is not a personal thing! That people in general love you, they do the very best they can and allow them the grace to do so!

We all have our battles to fight. Today… mine was pain! I called the Urologist… she was not sure why I was having the burning and warming sensation that has been a mystery to them…. Western medicine at least. I however…. did a bit of reading today….

I read up on kideny cancer and masses. I read up on partial Nephrectomy and treatments and pre surgery and post surgery and I also read up on the kidney. I learned a lot of fascinating things!

Turns out…. in Eastern medicine it is not uncommon to feel or experience a burning or warming sensation or pain over the kidney area when you are ill or have disease in that area. Because Eastern medicine the Kidney is a vital part of chi and flow or energy so when blocked you have a pooling or build up of that energy.

I also started feeling overwhelmed today… Everything has happened so quickly, so fast! My surgery is set for April 22nd 2020; and that was me pushing it back to then. Originally they were looking at possible March 27th! I needed more time….. I chose not to get a second opinion, because the mass doubled in size so fast in 4 months time. But after reading today… I do have some questions!

I have confidence in my doctor. But after reading about the surgeries types. I do have questions…. like how many of these have you done? How many have been performed using the robot? From I what have read, your doctor needs to be really well trained and have done a lot of surgeries on the robot to safely consider them for a partial Nephrectomy. If they have to do a full Nephrectomy, instead that a cardiothqlogist should be consulted as they have to stop your heart and place you temporarily on a bypass machine.

My Urologist mentioned the possibility of a full Nephrectomy but never the details of the latter…

This started out in my mind as a little simple surgery…. it is… but its NOT!

I am just having discomfort today and just tired! Thank God… I have a supportive boss! And work environment… She really encouraged me to stay home today. I needed that! Because I was going to push myself to work through the pain and go in.

I can’t help but keep thinking…. with everything in life I have overcome! There must be a purpose for this too! There has to be a reason!

I keep hearing in my head…

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 New International Version (NIV)

A Time for Everything

3 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity.

So there must be a reason for this!

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