Hard to believe…. her last surgery was 10 years ago tomorrow! Time goes by in a blink of the eye truly! I am ever so grateful !!!… she truly is my miracle child! What joy she has brought into our lives and continues to be. She has such a determination for life and a witty personality and sense of dry humor! She cares about everyone and goes out of her way to help all her friends. She worries about them and is always there in their time of need. She is so soft spoken at times; until she gets comfortable then you wish! She was quiet! She is so tender hearted…… You must be mindful of your tone and words… she feels them deeply…. She was given a expected life expiration date…. at the age of 2 years old within 6 months…. she has long exceeded that date!!! She is my gift from God…. She has lived up to her name…. Summer GRACE Phelps…….
That is what is feels like some moments in the day…
This empty black hole of nothingness…. that seems to suck away at my soul….
I see glimmers of you…. and I start to feel again…. Do you understand?…
Feeling, a connection, a sense of belonging to someone, a place, a time in the universe!
For a second…. in that glimmer…. in that instance… I am no longer.. lost, into the Abyss….
For that second… that moment in time….
I belong…. to you!
I am home!
I am no longer wandering down that long lost road that nobody else choose to travel….
For that glimmer for a second… I felt at peace….
Then…. like the speed of light on a shutter flash of a camera….
Back…. into the Abyss, I go….
Reality sets back in….
How…. did this, become… MY Life?
Funny thing … the number of thoughts that travel through one’s mind in a single day…
There isnt one day…. you dont enter into my mind…. I’d just like to know… how you are…
I fear one day… I will hear… You have finally gotten married or settled down and wrestled all your demons…. part of me… well be so happy for you… because I want nothing more in life than for you to find peace and love! God what I would not do to ensure that!!!
But then there is apart of me…. that will crumble to my very core…. I know this!
I want so desperately… to love again!!!
To love beyond you!!!!
Everytime…. I even come close… to breaking free…..
Something pulls me back… makes me question everything!
It’s all fun and games until its not! I don’t know how to make the pain stop…. That moral high road… is killing me! It’s drowning me in this world of misery…. I sit here watching you, spinning…. just chasing after that wind! She’s like dust…. ever blowing past you, never settling long enough to satisfy your thirst for affection. I see you!
It becomes a life long lesson in heart wrenching pain!
What you fail to see, the thing you never bother to notice….
Is when, you were crying your tears and drowning in your sorrow: not only did I see you, but I felt your pain too.
I actually, cared for you!
I saw beyond the outer shell and superficial hype!
The boy, the persona, the hustle ….
I saw the dreamer, the poet, the empath, the innovator, the renaissance man, the meek, tinder hearted man that truly lies inside that outer shell….
I see through all that external hype and flash!
See… I actually saw YOU!
I see you still now….
Circling the waters like a shark….
Always on high alert!
I know how keen your senses are….
Lyrical poet, master with the pen… tounge with the quickness, words can cut sharp like a knife or savor you into the night…..
I know you… beyond, your measure!
Just because my head is stuck in the past… doesn’t mean: my mind isnt focused on my future!
Always ever seeking balance in this world of mine….
My Libra scales are always swaying….
My pen: never rests for very long!
My mind is constantly stirring!
Round and round my mind goes…..
My heart was truly shattered and torn…
Into a billion pieces…. scattered everywhere…. I was like a shattered mirror ; when you came along…. and swept up those pieces… putting them back into some type of working order again!
I think a few might be out of synch… perhaps… that is part of .. the confusion!
Timing…. they say, is afterall… Everything!
I can’t help but feel some kind of way….
As I sit back… watching….
Dont be mad… all I have is TIME…
Tic Toc … Tic Toc…
I am the one with the time bomb inside afterall…..
Am I supposed to be gracious? For a life where the connection I desire most…. doesn’t exist?
It’s all what?….
Oh yeah…. #stuffdreamsaremadeof?
I can’t lie, and say in my reflection… I have not wondered… if I (missed my shot) as you coin a phrase* I watch you proclaim stars in your eyes for that wind you chase….. yet, I still feel the breeze from your vibes….. see that makes me wonder…. because I have also given thought to this… When: I was blinded by love…. there was nothing that could quench my thirst…. other than HIM…. But that trust has been damaged…. then…. you came along… and for the first time…. in years… I could dream again… be touched again, kissed again! … Because of you! Now…. you have me questioning…. did I just mess up at 16? Did I throw fate away?
Could it be so simple? …. did I set off all the chaos in my life? Because I was too broken, too naive, to scared just not ready….. to see back then! ? Is this just really it?….. we just get that ONE true LOVE? If you dont recognize it, or aren’t ready for it….. what then?!! Sorry? Better luck next life?……
What happened to happily ever after? You know.. The Stuff Dreans Are Made of? I see everyone around me, getting their storybook ending….. As I feel trapped in a Lora Croft Radiers of the Lost Arc or Never Ever Land, Rouge Adventure Trail…… hi Ho! Silver….. away……
The stuff that doesn’t truly exist….?
Maybe…. I never truly knew him!
Maybe…. I dont truly know you….
Maybe… I just see people in a better light; than they really are…. Maybe I need to just start accepting what people show me at face value… and stop looking beyond that window dressing!
You want the world to see you… then YOU gotta notice … the world and the people drowning in it to!!! I am just not in a good space right now… I feel this! I don’t need the classic cliques to pep me up…. I just need to deal; vent, rage, accept life as it is and move on… I am just…… T.I.R.E.D…. so very, very tired! I feel like whenever, I find a small pocket of joy… it is like one of those, bubbles…. or glass balls…
I am shocked each time I see an old photo pop up in memories…. I don’t recognize that girl… Stress, how we deal with stress, how our bodies manifest stress amazes me every day! Be it addiction, heartt disease, diabetes, lung disease, or metabolic disease aka obesity! My Thyroid went into state of shut down as a response to my way of suppressing my emotions when I was not dealing with my daughters illness, I now truly believe that. Looking back; I thought by being strong and emotionally shutting down, I was holding it together. What I was actually doing was just building up pressure inside my body for a complete meltdown. It finally caught up with me 17 years later. An emotional breakdown during a Case manager retreat at work when a motivational speaker talked on *Medical Trauma * then a physical breakdown of my body…. That build over time with hypothyroidism, obesity, diverticulitis and now renal carcinoma…. Stress is as constant as change in life! You have to learn to manage it… or it will manage you! Fact! #lifegoals #dowork #gettingitdone #milestones #feedmysoul #emptyyourmind #findingmyjoy #selfcare #jenz #jenzphelps #findingmybliss #livingmybestlife #overlookingmyflaws #lettinggoofthepast #followingmymoralcompass #findingthebalancedlife #findingmyzenagain.
I always find the humor in life… when I find… moments; where my life… circles back…. and glimpses of myself…. imitate… my art! I can always find imprints, reflections, pieces of myself….. in every piece…. Sometimes!
From the inside looking out… it seems golden, shiny, and new… If your dare look just a little deeper… You just might see, the broken pieces, blended together, the fragmented shattered and torn binding together to hold in place and frame the Ray’s of light shining in…. It’s always about…. Perspective, you see! Just how closely are you truly…. watching? As the world… passes by… #momentsintime #feedmysoul #truth #faith #love #emptyyourmind #thestruggleisreal #jenz #jenzphelps #findingmybliss #livingmybestlife #overlookingmyflaws #lettinggoofthepast #followingmymoralcompass #seekinglifeslessons #gratitude #mindfulness
I wrapped up my first day working from home today. It is definitely a new world of online counseling!
As I navigate my way into this new area of life I cannot help but reflect on my own current state of life. Just an odd transition I find myself in!
My life has never been a traditional one by any means! Not that I ever wanted such… I have always walked to a different drum in life and I knew this. I have always chosen the harder path and I have accepted this! My burden, my cross to bare….
I always told myself… know the consequences, be ready to accept the outcome. I figured, if I could accept the worse possibility imagined, than I could handle the risk! Sounds foolish… but there has always been something inside of me that has always wondered… *what if* and always scared to *settle * for anything less than, what my heart truly seeks in life!
There are pros and cons to this you see…. pros being that, you are always evolving and growing pushing yourself to be your best self! Cons being: you never truly allow yourself to be comfortable with something long enough to know if it is truly something that you identify with! (At times) you can get so caught up in evolving and changing that you truly forget the most important part of life…
L.I.V.I.N.G…. or L.I.VI.N! (In the voice of Mathew McConaughey! )
Actually being present in the world around you!
I have worked hard to be self aware to know myself and who I am as a woman, as a mother, as a person of the world, as a nurse, a co-worker, counselor, as a daughter, sister, friend! Ect…..
I have given this thought…. how each role and title changes your identity and impacts and shapes our character and defines us as human beings.
I know my moral compass and my values and integrity! They are strong and a deep rooted part of who I am…
I sit back and look at life and reflect on my personal struggles and journey in this world. I weigh out my failures and how they have become the stepping stones to my successes. And I seek out the lessons in my flaws and short comings and I srarch for the humility, grace and understanding from the world….
I dare not overlook others because I know just how quickly one can fall and I know just how long one struggles…
I find as I age the less I actually know about life… The more humbling I become.
I can see through false pretense as easily as I look through a window glass… Yet; I still hope for the good in someone’s soul!
I want to believe, they are better than what they show me… I want them to see the good inside themselves, I can see!!!
Life is ever changing…. ever evolving!
Sometimes…. however; I just want the world to stop! Long enough…. For that someone…. to truly see me!
Mixed emotions….. about learning today my surgery has been canceled…. due to CVOID-19! Sorta relieved… I was dreading going in for surgery at the predicted peak hit of CVOID-19 to our local hospital…. but also…. sorta… conflicted… part of me as calm as I am was also anxiously ready to get this mass out, from inside me…. my doctor has no control over this… anymore than I do… I just have to keep faith! Everything will work itself out… as it should, in the end!
Perhaps this is a Blessing in disguise…. Time will tell…. #cvoid-19 #godstiming #kidneycancer #kidneytumors #feedmysoul #truth #faith #love #emptyyourmind #hope #truthbetold #lettinggo #jenz #jenzphelps
One of the best quotes I have seen…. something I tell clients daily is this! You won’t move on until you are ready! You won’t stop using or drinking until you are ready. You will live in the pain and try to mask it for as long as Society keeps pushing you to ignore it…. or… you can live in the pain…. embrace it…. till you are done with it… be hurt… be mad… get angry! Just never get stuck there!
Sometimes…. we ALL get stuck!
Sometimes…. we ALL need someone to pull us back into the Light!
Thank God, for those people!
But… never STAY… Living in the pain…..
Never… get lost to the pain!
Feel it for as long as you need to….
Then…. Remember….. Release it! Never hold on to it too tightly! It wasn’t meant to stay and linger…. That is where Hope and Love belong!
I have noticed that throughout life. The things we are allowed to have seem to not appeal to us. They are no longer shiny and new?
As soon as something or someone denies us…. we now become determined to master this thing! Or we find ourselves compelled to win its affections. I have done it myself, I see my clients do it daily!!! I have seen my friends and family do it. No one is without falling into this trap!
So why is that? Why are our brains wired this way? Why do we chase after the very things that reject us? That tear down our self worth? That do not validate the very essence of who we are?
We are born worthy! We are innately loved and worthy of recieving love in return…. each and everyone of us. Not one person truly stands out greater than another…. we are all truly on equal footing once you remove the flesh!
What compels us to seek out what rejected us?
Isn’t that THE Question?!! To most of lifes problems?
I have a theory….
That most of us….
Do not know what happiness truly looks like!
We have no real idea how to BE happy with ourselves, much less accepting of someone else’s acceptance of us.
So we run scared when we meet the very thing we so desperately crave! We never thought it truly existed. We are often in shock if we find it. Sometimes we do not even recognize it if we do.
We see it and we do not know what to do with it! So we turn and we run!
We hope it will fade or go away or work itself out. We put up walls and barriers to protect ourselves. We suddenly feel vulnerable….
This is a new, odd sensation for many!
We don’t trust it. So we run! We run from it because it must not be real. It. was too easy. We have been taught in life, things must be hard!
We go through our entire lives trying to make sense of the unknown…. trying to force connections. When we meet the real thing…
We freeze! We react poorly and we simply fail to believe in ourselves enough to believe we deserve such a gift in life!
So we settle… so often we settle for less then Everything we deserve!
This week has been a struggle to be honest…. physically! Mentally…. There is a shift in the air around me..and I can sense it, down to my very core!
My energy levels have been off! I don’t like this feeling…. of being tired and drained…. my mind… has a thousand things, going on at once…. This week… my body can’t seem to keep up!
It’s an odd sensation… feeling your body turn against you. Knowing there is a mass growing inside you… Trying to re-focus on life and other more vital things..
Life surely has such an odd timing….
Sometimes, I have to sit back and laugh.. I think.. I must have lived some crazy life in the past. To have warranted me this one. This particular journey. SURELY I am suppose to be learning some important life lessons that I must be forgetting!
We do not get the fairytales!
But then again… who wants that? How dull and mundane would that world be? I prefer life’s woes and Joy’s. Its hills and valleys… I want the storms and rains… along with the blue skies and sunny days…. I thrive on the diversity and mixture of emotions!
I want it all!
That has always been my problem….
I never want to give up….. anything!
So scared of being trapped… Trapped by my choices! That I always keep my options open…..
Sometimes the easiest way to see the change… is to strip away all the chaos. Sit alone in the dark, and listen to your inner voice! See the world with fresh eyes and perspective. Sometime, the easiest way to see the world… is in Black and White!
I can sit comfortably alone with my truths, my paths, my journeys and myself…. I know who I am and where I have been in this world. I know myself… I am evolving, ever learning and ever changing…. But I am always honest about where I am in life and what path and journey I am on!
I can own my TRUTHS…. Even when I do not like them…. For they simply are facts…. Stepping stones for me to build upon!
As the rain pours down tonight… Can you…? Reach within yourself…. And truly own…. The path you are on?