Love…. is a Funny thing.

People live their entire lives not knowing what love is, not knowing what it feels to truly love someone. I can say, I know what that is, an excitement, adrenalin rush, anxiety, worry over someone more than yourself, A pounding deep inside your heart, a warmth that heats slowly but burns forever in your soul, it’s the smile that settles across your face when something reminds you of them, Its hearing or smelling the rain and feeling their presence; because they will always be a piece of you…its hearing your voice, or talking to you, the comfort & love that fills all the spaces in between you…. it’s the very thing, the very thread that makes you one! It’s feeling God drawing you closer than before with each step in bringing you to him or him to you…. Simply put… It’s FAITH, in something soo much larger than the both of you. It’s not giving up…

#love #feelslikehome #feelslikemagic #soothesmysoul #itsthelittlethings #innerpeace #godspromise #faith #hope #jenzphelps #jenz #mirrorimages #phototherapy #reflection #feedsmysoul

Got to attend an awesome Recovery event tonight, hosted by Roads to Recovery. Listening to many stories of overcoming addiction & the journeys each individual took to get there. Impressive display of how, pain, trauma & addiction can pave the road for something beautiful in the finding of sobriety! If you ever get a chance check out this book & look out for the movie Beautiful Boy. NIC SHEFF spoke tonight, he has a moving story. His journey is soo similar to many of my clients! What he has done with his life in recovery is inspiring! #beautifulboymovie #nicsheff #nicshefftweak #roadstorecovery #addiction #recovery #awareness #mindfulness #stopthestigma #tweak #tweakgrowinguponmethamphetamines

The burden of judgment only falls on you…

I have run into soo many people that I grew up with or went to school with.. I see them hurting, numbing themselves from pain, trauma, guilt & shame of things done to them or things they have done to themselves. Each person hangs their head low. The guilt, judgment, doubt in themselves is heavy. Each say… *I feel judged * or *everyone in that town is a hypocrite * or *everyone wants something to talk about, might as well be me* ect….

Thing is… We have all felt that way at some point or another. There isn’t one person free from sin, or mistakes, or trauma, or addiction, or just bad judgment… Not one of us!

So you can’t really blame the hypocrite, anymore than you can blame, the saint, the thing , or the one that harmed you, or yourself. You can’t blame the addict, or blame sinner just because they sin differently than you…

No more than one can blame the community or town or city or family or Christian for one’s own burden of guilt, shame, self doubt.

No one town, not Appomattox, or Campbell County, or Amherst, or Bedford or City of Lynchburg has or possess the ability to judge you or anyone.

Neither can smaller towns, Gladestone, Bent Creek, Timberlake, Rivermont, Prospect, Aspen…. ect…. you get the idea!

Neither can your family, children, friends, or church!

There is only one person outside of God who can judge you…. That is you!

You layer on the burden of guilt, shame, judgment, despair. You take off the armor of hope, love, forgiveness, & redemption.

You weigh yourself, your soul, your spirit down with these things, to avoid dealing with the anger, rage, hurt, emotions from your trauma, mistakes, sins, addictions.

It is easier to be distracted by pointing fingers, giving stares, passing whispers… it is easier to try and judge, feel lofty, feel superior, feel…. what exactly?!

The higher you climb up on that pedestal… the further you have to fall.

It is better to live in humility, grace, & empathy. You will find you don’t fall victim to judgement, guilt, shame or self doubt.

There is no time, you see!

You are too busy, living, working along side your fellow man. You are too busy lifting up everyone around you, it gives you the leverage you need. Not to tower over those around you; but rather the leverage to balance you, holding you tight inside God’s love.

There’s a reason we go through these journeys. They’re lessons hidden waiting to be learned. These very trails & tribulations just so happen to be; the very ground work in building your stepping stones. The very stones you will use to get you to the path God has chosen just for you!

Never regret your choices in life…. none of them…. It was those choices that allow you to relate, identify, love & lift up each other!

Next time you feel the burden of judgment. Remember, it was You alone; that placed it there. Remember, sinner is only a word that reminds us; we ALL fall short in Gods eyes. Christian, is not a perfect human; it’s a term, a word: it describes a human, seeking Gods love, trying, striving to be a better human than the day before. Hypocrisy, well that lives inside us all… We are simply; humans striving to do better than the day before.

#forgiveness #love #emotionalism #embraceyourself #mindfulness #meditation #mirrorimages #phototherapy #awareness #jenzphelps #jenz #recovery #changemakesyougrow #beproudofyourjourney #godslove #godspromise #faith #hope #mentalhealthawareness #addiction #ittakesavillage #compassion #humility #grace #freeyourselffromburden #smalltowns #community #selflove #empathy

Missing you

I know in my head… pulling away was the right thing to do.

But…

Tonight, I am missing you something bad!!!

You have become such an important part of my day… The one I vent to, confide in, turn to….

I hate that everything is so controlled…. I hate not having the time owed us…

Not having all words spoken, all thoughts spoken…

I hate how this ended…

I hate the current circumstances!

Road blocks, barriers in our way….

I hate it all to be honest!

False loves, addictions, those holding on too tight…

Most of all….

I hate how I feel, without you!

I hate feeling…. in complete…

Breaking

I have only truly loved, been *in love* twice in my life. Why is it that you had to be the strongest love, I have known…

How is it, that I walk away: to protect myself…. yet, I am the one… hurting & feeling alone.

Distancing myself from you….. is the hardest thing, i have ever had to do.

#jenzphelps #jenz #mirrorimages #broken #beautifullybroken #loveyousoomuch #pain #love #healthycopingskills #healthyboundaries #healing #momentsintime #mindfulness

Start of Healing

Today was bittersweet…

Bitter in that, in my journey; to reclaim *me*….

I lost you!

I will always love you.

You are forever apart of my past.

You will always be apart of me…

But we are clearly on two different paths in life!

You are still lost, roaming, wandering to find yourself.

I have been on my journey, traveling this road for a long time now.

I am strong in my sense of self!

I know my limits,

My Do’s & Don’ts…

My must haves!

&

My must nots!

I found out today…

What it feels like..

Feels like to look into the mirror…

Post…

My mind being consumed with you!

It feels….

Freeing!

Lighter!

Hopeful…

It feels…

Like I am surviving!!!

No longer feeling,

As if…

I am drowning in you!

Today….

Was the hardest thing,

I have ever had to do!

Packing up each memory…

Each new piece that tied me to you!

Today….

Was the beginning….

Of something New!

I will forever carry,

A piece of you with me!

But today….

I am free!

#jenzphelps #jenz #mirrorimages #phototherapy #embraceyourself #findingmypeace #lettinggo #givingittogod #emotionalism #expressionism #itsthelittlethings #emptyyourmind #love #lovehurts #healthycopingskills #healthyboundaries #healing #momentsintime #mindfulness #recovery #awareness #addiction #sfami #supportingfamiliesofadultmentallyill #thestruggleisreal #loveispatient

Courage to change

Life has a funny way of coming Full circle! A friend, that knows I have been struggling loving someone struggling with Addiction… A friend that once I helped years ago… Now turns tables…. They dropped by tonight… to give me this! #couragetochange A book.from Ala-non. God has a way of bringing people in & out of our lives, teaching us, planting seeds of Faith along the way! Tonight… that friend… heard me… Saw my pain, & didn’t judge or lecture… They just said… “When you’re done… I am here”… I am stubborn, loyal to a fault! I am stuck! Stuck inbetween, loving someone unconditionally & feeling the call to help, to treat, to link… to support! Even when its tearing me apart….

I do a family support group… I tell people daily, to *walk away* set firm boundaries *love yourself* …. I hear myself telling them this… Yet… I myself, cannot completely…. walk away!
#selfcare #mindfulness #awareness #addiction #recovery #mentalhealthawareness #sfami #thestruggleisreal #supportingfamiliesofadultmentallyill #love #healthycopingskills #healthyboundaries #insidemymind

Never Hate you, till now…

I never thought I could …..

Hate you, that is.

I never thought I would…

Hate you, that is.

You have betrayed me, hurt me, damaged my soul more than anyone ever could…

You know why?

Because I believed you, I trusted you, I thought, …. I thought… I actually knew you!

Jokes on me….

The joke is on me you see,

I am the fool!

You once hung the moon, in my eyes…

I had you up on a pedestal, soo very high.

Childhood friends,

Confidants,

Lovers,

Loves…

Firsts…

Friends….

Or, So I thought….

I opened up, like a bleeding artery….

Flowed every piece of my heart & soul to you….

I gave my heart, my mind, my soul….

To you!

I trusted,

I believed in you….

I defended you!

I saw you in a better light, than you are!

I never thought , I could …

Hate you, till now.

I never thought, I would…

Hate you, till now.

I knew, I knew all along….

My heart, kept telling my mind….

I was wrong!

But… I knew…

I should have kept away…

You took the one thing…

The one memory….

The one good piece of my past….

You took that and set it on fire!

You danced and watched it burn….

You just looked on…

You never stopped to think…

You never really cared…

Beyond… your needs!

I never, thought I could….

Hate you, till now.

I never, thought I would….

Hate you, till now.

You did this!

You opened that door!

You kept pushing….

Relentless…..

You wouldn’t stop!

Why?

Not as if you needed to….

God knows….

You’re busy!

I never, thought I could…

Hate you, till now.

I never thought, I would…

Hate you, till now.

Everything good….

Every memory…

Ripped & Torn….

Shattered to shreds!

I never thought, I could…

Hate you, till now.

I never thought, I would…

Hate you, till now.

I never knew…. my kindness,

would be seen as weak!

I never knew… my compassion,

Would be seen as weak!

I never knew… my Love for you.

Would be used, against me…

I never thought, I could…

Hate you, till now.

I never thought, I would…

Hate you, till now.

I gave you my heart…. at 16.

I kept it hidden, tucked away….

You unlocked it… at 43….

I should have stayed….

Very far away!

I never thought, I could…

Hate you, till now.

I never thought, I would…

Hate you, not ever!

But…. yet, here we are!

My love…

Shattered, used against me, & betrayed!

I would have had more respect…..

If you, handled it with honor, integrity…

If you would have…

Simply….

Doesn’t even matter…..

I did this….

I gave you, my heart & soul….

I can reclaim them…!

I ….

I never thought, I could…

Hate you, till now.

I …

I never thought, I would…

I…

Hate how…. I love you…

 

I have to save myself…..

From loving you.

#jenzphelps #jenz #mirrorimages #phototherapy #embraceyourself #findingmypeace #lettinggo #givingittogod #emotionalism #expressionism #itsthelittlethings #emptyyourmind #love #lovehurts #pain #broken #beautifullybroken #rmdrake #rmdrakequotes

I don’t understand

I don’t understand….

I don’t understand how this became your life!

I don’t understand the women you choose.

I don’t understand the drama you embrace.

I don’t understand the repeated mistakes

I don’t understand the constant cycles of, lies, manipulation, chaos that surrounds you….

I don’t understand your reasoning.

Right now….

I just don’t understand you.

#mentalhealthawareness #addiction #recovery #awareness #mindfulness #lettinggo #givingittogod #findingmypeace #faith #hope #jenzphelps #jenz