I have noticed that throughout life. The things we are allowed to have seem to not appeal to us. They are no longer shiny and new?
As soon as something or someone denies us…. we now become determined to master this thing! Or we find ourselves compelled to win its affections. I have done it myself, I see my clients do it daily!!! I have seen my friends and family do it. No one is without falling into this trap!
So why is that? Why are our brains wired this way? Why do we chase after the very things that reject us? That tear down our self worth? That do not validate the very essence of who we are?
We are born worthy! We are innately loved and worthy of recieving love in return…. each and everyone of us. Not one person truly stands out greater than another…. we are all truly on equal footing once you remove the flesh!
What compels us to seek out what rejected us?
Isn’t that THE Question?!! To most of lifes problems?
I have a theory….
That most of us….
Do not know what happiness truly looks like!
We have no real idea how to BE happy with ourselves, much less accepting of someone else’s acceptance of us.
So we run scared when we meet the very thing we so desperately crave! We never thought it truly existed. We are often in shock if we find it. Sometimes we do not even recognize it if we do.
We see it and we do not know what to do with it! So we turn and we run!
We hope it will fade or go away or work itself out. We put up walls and barriers to protect ourselves. We suddenly feel vulnerable….
This is a new, odd sensation for many!
We don’t trust it. So we run! We run from it because it must not be real. It. was too easy. We have been taught in life, things must be hard!
We go through our entire lives trying to make sense of the unknown…. trying to force connections. When we meet the real thing…
We freeze! We react poorly and we simply fail to believe in ourselves enough to believe we deserve such a gift in life!
So we settle… so often we settle for less then Everything we deserve!
This week has been a struggle to be honest…. physically! Mentally…. There is a shift in the air around me..and I can sense it, down to my very core!
My energy levels have been off! I don’t like this feeling…. of being tired and drained…. my mind… has a thousand things, going on at once…. This week… my body can’t seem to keep up!
It’s an odd sensation… feeling your body turn against you. Knowing there is a mass growing inside you… Trying to re-focus on life and other more vital things..
Life surely has such an odd timing….
Sometimes, I have to sit back and laugh.. I think.. I must have lived some crazy life in the past. To have warranted me this one. This particular journey. SURELY I am suppose to be learning some important life lessons that I must be forgetting!
We do not get the fairytales!
But then again… who wants that? How dull and mundane would that world be? I prefer life’s woes and Joy’s. Its hills and valleys… I want the storms and rains… along with the blue skies and sunny days…. I thrive on the diversity and mixture of emotions!
I want it all!
That has always been my problem….
I never want to give up….. anything!
So scared of being trapped… Trapped by my choices! That I always keep my options open…..
Sometimes the easiest way to see the change… is to strip away all the chaos. Sit alone in the dark, and listen to your inner voice! See the world with fresh eyes and perspective. Sometime, the easiest way to see the world… is in Black and White!
I can sit comfortably alone with my truths, my paths, my journeys and myself…. I know who I am and where I have been in this world. I know myself… I am evolving, ever learning and ever changing…. But I am always honest about where I am in life and what path and journey I am on!
I can own my TRUTHS…. Even when I do not like them…. For they simply are facts…. Stepping stones for me to build upon!
As the rain pours down tonight… Can you…? Reach within yourself…. And truly own…. The path you are on?
#randomphotoshelpbreakuptheday #streetphotography #photography #phototherapy #healing #progress For the first time in over 4 years I drove past his house on the way to work… I didn’t think of him! Worry about him! Wonder about him! There is such freedom in that! A peace from within my soul that never was there before…
Thanks to you! You will never truly, know… how much I value that. #respect #feedmysoul #truth #faith #friendship #momentsintime #healingjourney #unwindtherestlessmind #emptyyourmind #findingmyjoy #embraceyourself #thankyou
New Moon is reeking havoc on me! Bring back my balance! When will my life ever return to some state of balance?
I so do not understand… My heart was in a billion pieces. Those pieces burned like acid eating through my soul. The only thing, that seem to ease that pain… was you! The fact we were both in a similar place! That we could identify with; in that state of mind… among other things.
I was no longer alone…. I saw your pain… and I knew it! It was mirrored back at me…
That pain, didn’t seem to matter, as life progressed. That pain, could not hold a candle to the comfort you gave me. The friendship, I found in you…. The conversations, and interests we shared…
I started to forget about… HIM….
I started to forget, and my pain… each time you were around.
For the first time… in my life….
I no longer… saw: a life that could only be lived with… HIM!
I started, looking forward, to talking to you!
I wanted to learn more about… You!
That was not…. something, I had planned!
Back…. to dead silenece…….
I know…. that was, my doing…. BUT
I can admit….. I have grown dependent on our newfound friendship…..!
Yet… my mind, is still racing ….
My heart… is off kilter!
And there is a pause between us, that never existed before! And I hate that!!
And… there is NOTHING.. I can do!
Libra scales…. where is the balance in my life? What happened to my share of harmony, peace, love, and happiness? And sleep…. I am trying… I am trying to heal! Trying to let it go! Put it out of my mind…. But well, that is just not a easy thing to do! You left an impression.
Remember this! When you discover that your worth comes from within you! That you are the master of your own fate! That love comes from a seed planted innately within you from the start…. That all you ever had to do, was nurture that love within yourself! Then! You will let go of the pain, hurt, anger and self loathing that creates all the need to self destruct and self sabotage and self harm… you will thrive! You will rise up and meet life at the door every day! You will succeed at whatever goal you set before you. Because guess what! There is nothing in this world that can stop you! BUT you!!! Everything to succeed in life! Lies within YOU! It always has! You just forgot to look! Rise up! Open the box! Inside you.. And unlock what has always Been there! #jenz #jenzphelps #feedmysoul #beautifullybroken #rebuilt #truth #faith #love #emptyyourmind #hope #truthbetold
So I guess, my hiatus is over from writing…… I have been keeping things bottled up inside for too long. Not really true. I am if anything honest! I had my confidant, my best friend… I was able to write and unload to him… that stopped working, when life has a way of changing seasons….
I have. however, greatly enjoyed getting to know a friend better and all our new conversations! And I have never seen such the mirroring soul in someone before… I may have meet my universal kindred spirit in that friendship. I think it is Gods way of helping me not lose my mind! The universe’s way of keeping balance within these Libra scales!
I however, am still off kilter…. last Friday learning of my diagnosis being highly probable of renal carcinoma in my right, kidney; learning that the small mass that was found accidentally in November that; I thought would be monitored for a year. Had in fact, in 4 mouths doubled in size and now needs to come out surgically.
I was in a bit of shell shock last Friday…. I had some time to adjust. I realize, in the grand scheme of things, it could be worse! That I am lucky we have found it so early, and that they can remove it with just talk of a partial Nephrectomy. I do realize my blessings!!
Its still a lot to digest!
But… I had, done just that….
I did not expect, to start having pain!!! I have been having a warm, warming or burning sensation over my right kidney area. Prior to me knowing I had a mass. No pain just a warming sensation. It is the same kidney, I had stones in last year and had the stint in briefly.
Last night I started having pain with the warming and burning sensation near my right kidney area. It progressed throughout the night and into the morning.
It caught me off gaurd! I felt a sense of alarm and even panic to be honest… Fear… let’s be honest…. kidney stone pain… HURTS! That alone is traumatic and creates some PTSD of it’s own! As in hyper reactive or anticipated response to what the pain will be….
Then the REALITY of it all….. that I have a renal mass!! That I really might have cancer! Starts crashing down…. As I try and work through the pain and discomfort… it is getting no better! I start struggling with.not wanting to tell anyone about it! Not wanting to make a big deal over it… not wanting to seem weak or needy or vulnerable.
People say ask for help! But do they really mean it? Let’s be honest…. we all have busy lives! Most of us are doing good to manage our own lives daily and survive. Who wants to be a burden? Most people truly can’t see past their own problems. I am a nurse! A caregiver, a certified substance abuse counselor , a mental health professional…. guess what!? Most all of those titles dont initially think to inquire about someone’s well being outside of our own crisis… Because guess what?! We are human…!
If the man I loved for 4 years well let’s not bring that into this….. people just aren’t comfortable…. with the uncomfortable conversations!
You have to just know this and understand it….. realize that it is not a personal thing! That people in general love you, they do the very best they can and allow them the grace to do so!
We all have our battles to fight. Today… mine was pain! I called the Urologist… she was not sure why I was having the burning and warming sensation that has been a mystery to them…. Western medicine at least. I however…. did a bit of reading today….
I read up on kideny cancer and masses. I read up on partial Nephrectomy and treatments and pre surgery and post surgery and I also read up on the kidney. I learned a lot of fascinating things!
Turns out…. in Eastern medicine it is not uncommon to feel or experience a burning or warming sensation or pain over the kidney area when you are ill or have disease in that area. Because Eastern medicine the Kidney is a vital part of chi and flow or energy so when blocked you have a pooling or build up of that energy.
I also started feeling overwhelmed today… Everything has happened so quickly, so fast! My surgery is set for April 22nd 2020; and that was me pushing it back to then. Originally they were looking at possible March 27th! I needed more time….. I chose not to get a second opinion, because the mass doubled in size so fast in 4 months time. But after reading today… I do have some questions!
I have confidence in my doctor. But after reading about the surgeries types. I do have questions…. like how many of these have you done? How many have been performed using the robot? From I what have read, your doctor needs to be really well trained and have done a lot of surgeries on the robot to safely consider them for a partial Nephrectomy. If they have to do a full Nephrectomy, instead that a cardiothqlogist should be consulted as they have to stop your heart and place you temporarily on a bypass machine.
My Urologist mentioned the possibility of a full Nephrectomy but never the details of the latter…
This started out in my mind as a little simple surgery…. it is… but its NOT!
I am just having discomfort today and just tired! Thank God… I have a supportive boss! And work environment… She really encouraged me to stay home today. I needed that! Because I was going to push myself to work through the pain and go in.
I can’t help but keep thinking…. with everything in life I have overcome! There must be a purpose for this too! There has to be a reason!
I keep hearing in my head…
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 New International Version (NIV)
A Time for Everything
3 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity.
Some days I am more DONE than others! You have a way of tugging at my heart strings. Past lives, you say? Maybe!
Some days, I feel empathy still and worry for you…
I will probably always care… this is just simply a fact I have come to accept! After all I have known you since 2nd grade… I have loved you… Since 16! I have been vulnerable to you since 43, when you took my last wall down!
I am moving on! I have too! Have you ever stopped to see or bothered to look at the pain in my eyes? God!! If you could only feel the weight of worry I carry in my chest at times!
I cannot stay here anymore! I will suffocate and die!
You however, thrive off chaos and mayhem…. I cannot function in that world! I will NOT !!!
You left a gapping hole of darkness, in my heart where pain and worry settled in. It has been agonizing for the last few years, loving you the way I do!
I finally somehow…. managed to let a fraction of light to filter into the cracks and grow in the darkness….
I found that even the smallest light has the power to warm my core from the inside!
It can give me hope… that maybe one day! Ray’s of light will again find their way into the darkness and start to live and take hold!
That I too, am worthy of living in the light… I too, am worthy of being loved; one day as, I have so unconditionally loved you!
That I too, am worthy of finding such a love of my own!
That when I do!
I will NOT…
Squander it away….
I will recognize it for all its Glory…
I will cherish all it has to offer!
I will NOT be so vain!
I will embrace all it has to offer me!
I will push, explore, enjoy and be true…. to all tha; my new found love might bring to light…
You might… be my first True LOVE!
I may always hold love for you…
BUT…. hear me NOW!!!
I and I alone…..
Am the Master of my own Fate!
I will not…. I shall not!
Lay waste anymore……
You do not deserve my loyalty or devotion….. you simply no longer have earned it! Truth be told!
You have not …. done the work; to maintain such A sacrifice! You have not!!
It’s time…. I make room…. for someone new…. time I close the door on our past!
So I may open the door on my future….. with, someone new!
With whatever the universe decides to offer or send my way! That I open the door to possibilities!
All the possibilities that I had closed myself off too for the last 4 years! Just waiting….. & caring for & loving you! In the voids of your SILENCE!
This is not a threat, or put down, or regret…. I needed that time… I needed to try! I needed to see if….
If I was there for you…. If I loved you enough… If I opened up enough, if I was honest back about how I also felt! If…. If it would make a difference!
But I fear
Time simply….. was not, on our side!
Too many roadblocks *if you will*….
But is that the point?
None of it… should have mattered!
If…. IF…. we were true!
I have to believe…. Everything happens for a Reason! A Time and a Season!
I have been working with kids and adults in Substance Use disorders and Mental Health disorders now for over 20 years through out my nursing career…. cleaning out old boxes today… I came across old photos, and letters, drawings kids had done for me, poems given to me over the years… I found these two… how fitting for today’s times… I remember even back then… how insightful he was in his poetry at such a young age! It amazes me, how we can create such beautiful words, and paint such vivid images from such angst and pain; fromnthe darkest corners of my lives and minds there is new life waiting to be born!
So I reached a life milestone! Something, I never imagined possible…. Something that never even occurred to me that was an attainable goal. This week, I had the honor of being elected as President to the board of nursing! It is something that, I take seriously, and with pride, as it is an honor to serve on the board, of such highly respected colleagues and peers, in such a well respected profession. But it is also for me as a nurse, and as a LPN, someone that has fought through my nursing career to prove: my voice matters too! It is just , truly an overwhelming feeling, in hindsight…. I dont think it truly hit me, until my drive home today! It’s going to be an amazing year, for growth, development and life experiences! I am embracing all that is to come in 2020!
I feel like every school picture day as a child… I set myself up for failure! LoL, my mom would set out what I was to wear, I would go her back… determined to wear my own style! Do my own hair, accessories ect.. we would fight over clothes more than anything growing up! I feel like sometimes, I have been fighting my entire life…. to be heard… to have a voice! To have a say…. to be an individual!
Sometimes you get so caught up in the fight… you forget… what it means, exactly! *to be an individual? * inna time we are fighting to be a United body as a nation, as citizens, as neighbors….
It’s just a larger than life concept, so much more than just one individual!