Start of Healing

Today was bittersweet…

Bitter in that, in my journey; to reclaim *me*….

I lost you!

I will always love you.

You are forever apart of my past.

You will always be apart of me…

But we are clearly on two different paths in life!

You are still lost, roaming, wandering to find yourself.

I have been on my journey, traveling this road for a long time now.

I am strong in my sense of self!

I know my limits,

My Do’s & Don’ts…

My must haves!

&

My must nots!

I found out today…

What it feels like..

Feels like to look into the mirror…

Post…

My mind being consumed with you!

It feels….

Freeing!

Lighter!

Hopeful…

It feels…

Like I am surviving!!!

No longer feeling,

As if…

I am drowning in you!

Today….

Was the hardest thing,

I have ever had to do!

Packing up each memory…

Each new piece that tied me to you!

Today….

Was the beginning….

Of something New!

I will forever carry,

A piece of you with me!

But today….

I am free!

#jenzphelps #jenz #mirrorimages #phototherapy #embraceyourself #findingmypeace #lettinggo #givingittogod #emotionalism #expressionism #itsthelittlethings #emptyyourmind #love #lovehurts #healthycopingskills #healthyboundaries #healing #momentsintime #mindfulness #recovery #awareness #addiction #sfami #supportingfamiliesofadultmentallyill #thestruggleisreal #loveispatient

Courage to change

Life has a funny way of coming Full circle! A friend, that knows I have been struggling loving someone struggling with Addiction… A friend that once I helped years ago… Now turns tables…. They dropped by tonight… to give me this! #couragetochange A book.from Ala-non. God has a way of bringing people in & out of our lives, teaching us, planting seeds of Faith along the way! Tonight… that friend… heard me… Saw my pain, & didn’t judge or lecture… They just said… “When you’re done… I am here”… I am stubborn, loyal to a fault! I am stuck! Stuck inbetween, loving someone unconditionally & feeling the call to help, to treat, to link… to support! Even when its tearing me apart….

I do a family support group… I tell people daily, to *walk away* set firm boundaries *love yourself* …. I hear myself telling them this… Yet… I myself, cannot completely…. walk away!
#selfcare #mindfulness #awareness #addiction #recovery #mentalhealthawareness #sfami #thestruggleisreal #supportingfamiliesofadultmentallyill #love #healthycopingskills #healthyboundaries #insidemymind

Never Hate you, till now…

I never thought I could …..

Hate you, that is.

I never thought I would…

Hate you, that is.

You have betrayed me, hurt me, damaged my soul more than anyone ever could…

You know why?

Because I believed you, I trusted you, I thought, …. I thought… I actually knew you!

Jokes on me….

The joke is on me you see,

I am the fool!

You once hung the moon, in my eyes…

I had you up on a pedestal, soo very high.

Childhood friends,

Confidants,

Lovers,

Loves…

Firsts…

Friends….

Or, So I thought….

I opened up, like a bleeding artery….

Flowed every piece of my heart & soul to you….

I gave my heart, my mind, my soul….

To you!

I trusted,

I believed in you….

I defended you!

I saw you in a better light, than you are!

I never thought , I could …

Hate you, till now.

I never thought, I would…

Hate you, till now.

I knew, I knew all along….

My heart, kept telling my mind….

I was wrong!

But… I knew…

I should have kept away…

You took the one thing…

The one memory….

The one good piece of my past….

You took that and set it on fire!

You danced and watched it burn….

You just looked on…

You never stopped to think…

You never really cared…

Beyond… your needs!

I never, thought I could….

Hate you, till now.

I never, thought I would….

Hate you, till now.

You did this!

You opened that door!

You kept pushing….

Relentless…..

You wouldn’t stop!

Why?

Not as if you needed to….

God knows….

You’re busy!

I never, thought I could…

Hate you, till now.

I never thought, I would…

Hate you, till now.

Everything good….

Every memory…

Ripped & Torn….

Shattered to shreds!

I never thought, I could…

Hate you, till now.

I never thought, I would…

Hate you, till now.

I never knew…. my kindness,

would be seen as weak!

I never knew… my compassion,

Would be seen as weak!

I never knew… my Love for you.

Would be used, against me…

I never thought, I could…

Hate you, till now.

I never thought, I would…

Hate you, till now.

I gave you my heart…. at 16.

I kept it hidden, tucked away….

You unlocked it… at 43….

I should have stayed….

Very far away!

I never thought, I could…

Hate you, till now.

I never thought, I would…

Hate you, not ever!

But…. yet, here we are!

My love…

Shattered, used against me, & betrayed!

I would have had more respect…..

If you, handled it with honor, integrity…

If you would have…

Simply….

Doesn’t even matter…..

I did this….

I gave you, my heart & soul….

I can reclaim them…!

I ….

I never thought, I could…

Hate you, till now.

I …

I never thought, I would…

I…

Hate how…. I love you…

 

I have to save myself…..

From loving you.

#jenzphelps #jenz #mirrorimages #phototherapy #embraceyourself #findingmypeace #lettinggo #givingittogod #emotionalism #expressionism #itsthelittlethings #emptyyourmind #love #lovehurts #pain #broken #beautifullybroken #rmdrake #rmdrakequotes

I don’t understand

I don’t understand….

I don’t understand how this became your life!

I don’t understand the women you choose.

I don’t understand the drama you embrace.

I don’t understand the repeated mistakes

I don’t understand the constant cycles of, lies, manipulation, chaos that surrounds you….

I don’t understand your reasoning.

Right now….

I just don’t understand you.

#mentalhealthawareness #addiction #recovery #awareness #mindfulness #lettinggo #givingittogod #findingmypeace #faith #hope #jenzphelps #jenz

Gatekeeper of your heart…

Must be something in the air tonight…

I sense you all around me…

I know you’re living a double life…

Torn & struggling between two worlds.

I see you…

Trying to sort through truths & lies…

I see the endless parade of those trying to plot and secure a space next to you…

Doesn’t that say everything?

Don’t they know….?

There is only one place that they can truly desire to be in…

That’s a place they cannot fight for,

A place they cannot win,

A place they cannot cheat for,

A place they cannot barging for,

A place they cannot buy,

A place they cannot demand,

A place they cannot will you to…

A place they cannot guilt you to,

Its simple…

It’s a place in your heart ❤ !

It’s a place that only exists, when you freely give it to that individual!

It’s a place noone can control…

A place that only, your soul, your mind, your body… feel what is real.

A place that only YOU know the contents & depths of your love, in which to freely give.

It’s a place…. only you…

Influence,

Feel,

Connect,

Embrace,

&

Control!

You are the Gatekeeper of your heart!

Unconditionally Loved

It is no accident you invoke such emotion & feelings, deeply in my soul. There is a bond there…

I feel your presence when I am in your thoughts. I feel your spirit when you’re in trouble…. I see through you, when you say you’re ok!

Remember…..

I see you!

I know your character ,

I know your soul!

I worry about you… even when you say, everything is ok.

You are ever present in my heart, ever present on my mind…..

I miss you!

I miss you when you’re quiet, hidden away from lifes chaos….

I miss you popping in & out of my day!

The world is darken

Lonely ,

And feels isolated…

When you’re gone!

I need you to remember…

I need you to see…

The girl you once knew…

The girl you once trusted….

The girl you once held love for….

She’s still here…

She’s still watching…

She’s still waiting….

For you to remember!

To remember who you are,

Remember who you are to me…

Remember that I love you…

Remember what real love is…

Remember you are worthy…

Remember….

Remember that the women I am today….

Still desires,

Wants,

Cherishes,

Loves….

The boy.. you were then…

The man…You are today!

Damaged, broken, torn, re-built , the man… you are today!

Its simple….

I love you!❤ Unconditionally…

#broken #beautifullybroken #loveyousoomuch❤ #rmdrake #truth #rmdrakequotes #moon&stardustquotes #jenzphelps #jenz #mirrorimages #phototherapy #embraceyourself #findingmypeace #lettinggo #givingittogod #loveunconditionally #emotionalism #expressionism #itsthelittlethings #emptyyourmind #love #kindsoul friendship

I hate when she is in pain….

First bad headache in a few months…. She amazes me how much she has endured at such a young age. She has already won! When it comes to life…. over beaten all the odds, my proven miracle! The reason I know without a doubt there is a God! The reason I do not question the power of prayer! The reason I know God has purpose for us all… The reason I know… life is not about me… not about pain, or being angry at the unknown, or things we cannot explain…. But… the reason, we must look beyond ourselves, look beyond the circumstance, & just simply have FAITH…. God has a purpose for us all…..

My greatest achievements in life…. ARE, my beautiful, resilient, strong, daughters!❤❤❤ # #lovehersoomuch❤ #lovethemsoomuch❤
#haveFAITH #lifeislargerthanyourcircumstance

My Soul Hurts…

I am tired…

So much, I just don’t understand.

I am tired of my soul hurting…

Tired of not being able to walk completely away…

Tired of the drama…

Tired of your circle…

Tired of the games…

Tired of… stupid… petty stuff!

All the things that simply don’t matter!

There is soo much more to life!

You have submerged yourself around the wrong people for way too long…

You’re starting to forget…

Forgetting who you are!

Forgetting your Hope’s & dreams…

Forgetting you!

Forgetting about the people around you…

Forgetting common decency…

Forgetting what real friendship, is truly about.

Do you even remember what Love truly is? What unconditional love, feels like?

What being *In Love* tastes like?

You’ve been around the wrong people for way too long!

I see you…

I see so deep inside you…

I know your soul!

I know your stubborn…

I know your proud…

I know your prideful!

I just don’t know how to reach through to you!

Everyone loves you…

Its almost routinely professed deeply, by everyone you encounter…

Do they even know…?

Know what real love is?

It’s not set with demands…

It’s not meet with expectations!

It’s not a prize to be won!

It’s not something you give freely one minute and take away the next…

I am so, soo very tired!

It drains my soul….

This is you…

This is what you’ve allowed your world to become…

You are soo much more than this!

You …. you …. YOU…..

Just need to remember!!!

This is NOT your life…

This is Not how your story ends!

Because…. I still believe in you!

I see you!

I know your spirit…

I know your character!

I know your soul!

I just need you…

I need you to find your way…

I need you to find your way Home!

#feelslikehome #jenzphelps #jenz #mirrorimages #phototherapy #embraceyourself #findingmypeace #lettinggo #givingittogod #emotionalism #expressionism #itsthelittlethings #emptyyourmind

Censorship

I can journal till I run out of words… but that does nothing, for me; if I can’t just Express my true: thoughts, feelings, emotions, & desires.

You’re the only person I have ever shared, all sides of myself with… I know you hold back… you are only comfortable sharing certain pieces of yourself with me…

Even when I feel & see you…

But I… I share all of my myself openly, freely with you…. Do you have any idea… how freeing & addictive that is?
I am safe, with you….
I don’t really know how to pull back. I don’t really know how not to share, so openly with you… I am honestly not sure, I want to learn!

I don’t want to censor myself around you!

I censor myself in every other aspect of my life! But never with you….
I need the release, the safety of your trust… I need to be able to purge & unload, without fear of judgement or doubt. Truth be told… I need you! Perhaps that’s simply, asking for too much…
I need you it seems, more than you need me…
You find comfort in others,
Sections of yourself shared with only those you feel, understand your pain…
The awareness I have of my actions…
The awareness I have of those watching,
The awareness I have of those waiting…
Watching to see if I practice what I preach…
Waiting to see if I fail or disappoint them.

Watching & Waiting… to say… I told you!

I struggle daily,
It’s an ongoing going battle deep within my soul… To do the right thing. To not make this about me… To see the greater need…
I don’t want to censor myself around you.
I don’t want to contemplate each interaction,
Each spoke or written word.
Each shared secret,
Each shared memory,

Each hidden desire.

I don’t know how to not….
Not, be…
Yours.
#momentsintime #memories #stuckinmyhead #frozenintime #jenzphelps #jenz #mirrorimages #phototherapy #embraceyourself #findingmypeace #lettinggo #givingittogod #rmdrakequotes #rmdrake #truth #censored #censorship #mindfulness #journaling

Torn between the Inbetween…

There is so much inside my head, thoughts, memories, life experiences; that I need to get out.

That is what this journal is for. But there so many thoughts, secrets, wishes, desires; my heart wants to share… But there’s one problem with that…

I only trust you!

To be that open with…

I am trying to find that balance. The space were we co-exist… The space where I don’t lose myself…

It’s a struggle…

#jenzphelps #jenz #mirrorimages #phototherapy #embraceyourself #findingmypeace #torn

Perception is a Funny Thing…

Perception, how we see the world, what we perceive the world to be; is all about how we truly see ourselves in relation to the world, people, things around us.

Every life experience, impacts our world view. The humor is found, not in the life events that unfold… but rather in the disillusionment that we assume everyone around us…. sees, hears, believes things to be as we ourselves, see, hear, feel, & experience them.

Things aren’t often how we perceive them to actually be. I recently have had a few conversations with individuals I grew up with. Going to school we have such a limited world view, its impossible for our pre-teen & teen brains to understand much, beyond our own egos!

I recently had a conversation with a friend from school. Growing up, I thought I was always out of his league. We were best friends in school. He was the boy next door, with a million dollar smile & heart of Gold. Who knew behind that smile was a world of heartbreak. My perception of things, was limited by my own world view …

I had a conversation with a girl, in my eyes, growing up; she was always smiling, bubbly, bouncing around. I never knew…. The pain that lay inside her heart…

Again, my perception was limited by my own view! Things are never as they seem on outside the superficial surface. People much like stones, have layers of rock built up, buried down deep inside.

Odd to me, this girl felt, growing up, I had it all. Almost comical to me, the mere notion that is how she believed my life to be. She said, “I saw you, bouncing around with the popular kids, ya’ll didn’t know who I was, much less; speak to me.

She felt isolated, and alone. She called herself trash. Odd, this was to hear her say. Odd you ask? Yes, odd… odd because of her perception of me. Simply couldn’t have been further from the truth. The reality of my life. I told her this, you saw me hoping around the “popular kids”…. what you didn’t see, was; how I felt inside. I never felt I belonged to any one crowd… That hoping you saw, was actually….

Me, circling around from group to group, wondering, trying to find my way….

I too felt, as if never fit in. I too felt like trash. Less than, unworthy, unwelcomed & misunderstood…

We were 16….

Looking back; I can now say; noone was truly, comfortable in their own skin… We just assumed… what we showed, would be enough to overcome, how we truly felt inside; our own minds…

Nothing is ever truly as one percieved! We need to look a little deeper, scratch beyond the surface.

The things, we perceived, the limits we made so often come from the limitations of our minds. We defeat ourselves, long before we attempt to engage in the things we see, long for, want, or desire… All because we simply could not perceive life to be any other way!

That boy with the million dollar smile, he’s still there, now with a heavy heart of gold.

That girl, that thought she was unworthy… She’s still there, now teaching others; how to be kind.

As for me…. well, I am still learning, evolving, striving to find that balance in life

I am expanding my world view, beyond those mental limitations, beyond those small minded judgements, and quick rash thinking…

I am trying to see, the efforts of others. I am looking beyond the superficial surface. I am training my mind; to look beyond the perception.

Because as you can now, more clearly see… Our perception of this…. Well, it’s just a funny thing; limited by our lack of understanding, empathy, & willingness to see the world beyond that superficial mirrored surface!

#awareness #emotionalism #photography #itsthelittlethings #peaceofmind #mindfulness #empathy #kindness #worldview #perception #emptyyourmind #embraceyourself #livingmybestlife

Reclaiming ME!

This isn’t me…

I don’t wait for a man’s attention…

I always am the first one to walk away…

I don’t make excuses, for poor behavior.

I don’t justify, someone’s actions to fit my needs…

I don’t need your valadation, to make myself whole!

I am Reclaiming ME!

My Spirit is strong…

My Will is Free!

My mind got clouded,

But now I see…

I got caught up, in the fog from the past…

But my Light, now shines Brightly…

It SHINES more than ever Before!

I am Reclaiming ME!

I gave you that Power…

That hold you held on my soul…

That Light that shines,

In the Twinkle of your eye….

That Light that burns, deep in your Soul…

That Light….

It Belongs to ME!

I am…..

Reclaiming Me!

#jenzphelps #jenz #mirrorimages #phototherapy #embraceyourself #livingmybestlife #letyourlightshinebright

Frozen in time

You are grown… I keep forgetting that!

In my mind, we are frozen in time.

16 again!

I find myself, so protective of you!

You know the risks…

Your life choices are on you.

I have tried… reaching out.

I have tried… just being your friend.

I have tried… to understand.

I fail… at reaching you.

I fail… at keeping my emotions in check.

I fail… at trying to not love you.

I don’t really understand, why I feel as strong as I do.

I pray about it…. daily!

God knows, I do!

I don’t like feeling this way!

Out of control…

Emotions on overload…

Simply, not being able to walk away!

I do this for a living, you know!

Tell people how to, walk away…

How to, love from afar!

How to, set healthy boundaries…

Yet, I see myself…

Being pulled, and stuck…

Frozen in time…

I know better!

I can clearly see,

All the mistakes,

All the missed opportunities,

All the second guessing,

All the lies,

All the clear signs, of active addiction!

Eventually,

I will thaw out….

I will slowly start, to move about…

I will free myself,

From this mental cage…

What then?

Where does this end?

I love you!

I truly do…

You will forever be, a piece of my heart…

I pray for you; I genuinely want the best for you…

Sometimes I think, you feel ashamed, so you try and stay away…

I am never, NEVER… going to think less of you!

I see you!

I have always seen you!

I knew you then,

I know you now!

I believe in you…

When you, can’t….

Soo, for now…

I stand still.

I listen.

I pray.

I turn it over to God, and I keep my Faith!

Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

When you’re ready…

I will be here!

Friends… till the end!

#awareness #recovery #addiction #addictionrecovery #mentalhealthawareness #sfami #thestruggleisreal #nami #healing #healthyboundaries #jenzphelps #jenz

Some souls are lined in gold

I need to paint today. I need to gather my thoughts. So many stories, so many lies. There are pieces of truth floating around; like suspended matter, just waiting for place to land.

It’s hard, because there are pieces of you so wrapped around multiple aspects of my life! Even though I find myself drowning in the storm; I clearly know and vividly remember how, it was you… that once rescued me!

I have carried you around with me over the years. My peace of mind… My blanket of trust. My one true confidant! I have always been safe in the protection of your love, your respect, your genuine friendship! You’ve always just been a piece of my heart…

To watch you transform, change; right before my eyes, it’s painful, hurtful, it makes me want to reach out to you even more! To lift you up, bandage your wounds, nourish your mind, heal your spirit! Bring you back to the man, the boy…. I once knew!

Every breathe I take, every emotion I have, every prayer I make…. is calling to God; asking, pleading, begging, directing me…. To break through to you!

I need you!

I need you to look up!

Look around…. find that glimmering piece of you.

The light sparkle, that flickers… on & off… The mere glimmer of hope that shines just bright enough, just discreetly enough; to call all those lost, broken, wayward souls to you….

The light that sparkles from inside you!

I need you to stop… no, listen… STOP!

Reliving the past….

STOP…

Blaming yourself for things beyond your control.

For dissatisfaction of life situations.

For past, present, & future failures!

For relationships lost….

For misunderstandings.

For missed opportunities!

For any excuse… that keeps you; hidden & bound to live this life!

I NEED you!!!

Present & here with me…

In this life, this moment, this second!

I NEED you to love yourself….

To feel pride,

To feel a sense of purpose,

To feel a sense of self worth!

I don’t care…

I don’t care about your transgressions!

Your sins…

Your flaws..

Your past…

Your present…

I care.

I care about your future…!

I care if you are safe!

I care if you are loved!

I care if you are healthy!

I care if you are whole!

I care….

I care … if you are a son of God!

I know you’re in there…

I know you’re hurt…

I know your hurting…

I know your struggling!

I know you feel judged…

I know you feel ashamed!

I know you feel unworthy…

If you would only see yourself, how I see you!

How God sees you!!!

You would never doubt…

You wouldn’t question..

You wouldn’t search for reasons beyond your control!

You would know….

Just how much…. You are loved!

You would know!

Gods purpose for you….

I see him in you!

I see him in you when you can’t even see him in yourself….

I see him using you, in ways you cannot imagine….

He has his hands on you….

You feel it.. you feel it soo deep, you’re fighting!

Fighting to surrender….

Fighting to let go….

Fighting to ….?

What exactly?….

Your heart… the one you are so desperately trying to drown out…

To numb from feeling…

To ignore it’s very beat!

Your heart… is made from Gods own love…

Your heart is made of Gold!

Maybe….

Just maybe…

It’s you… he is using…

To mend the broken…

The broken souls,

20180813_2349234985811054837709435.jpg

Maybe it’s your heart filled with Gold!

 

#addiction #recovery #awareness #mindfulness #lettinggo #givingittogod #findingmypeace #faith #hope #mentalhealthawareness #stopstigma

#sfami #nami #aa #na #itsnevertoolate