jenzphelps

I lost my prayerbox necklace…. I have carried a prayer for you around my neck daily…

For the last three and a half years…. it seems odd, unnatural even…. to not be wearing it today!

I am trying so hard… to not think of you daily….

I often fail!

There has always been a bond between you and I…. there is no denying that!

I have never hidden from you how compelled I have felt…. to care for you… prayer for you,  watch over you, love you! Never have I denied how much you mean or matter to me… you are my world…

But even that…. must have it’s limits…

Tonight…. I feel so naked…. without my prayerbox…..

It may seem silly…. but it was do comforting. To know and have your name written down in prayer along with others… it kept you present and close to me. It helped me let go of the worry I carry around for you.

All the times I never hear back from you…. or all the times, I get the gut feeling you are not doing well…. or all the times you day to me…. *I’m fine* but I know that you aren’t….

Prayer allowed me to find peace…. This is such an odd place…. to be in right now…. us.. not talking!

Personally….. I hate it! Even if its what needs to be right now…. I will forever… love you!

the times;

What happens, when you don’t practice Self Care?..

So… I am really great at asking for prayer for others; my dad, Summer Grace, ect….. I am great at advocating for my clients and making sure they do self care go to their doctor appointments and follow up visits…. as a mom I bend over backwards to ensure Summer gets to all her appointments when she had all her surgeries….

I failed to do that for myself… I was hospitalized several years ago after a bad spell of diverticulitis. I was told then I had a severe case of it and surgery was discussed. I was not a fan of surgery and my infection was too severe at the time to do surgery. I also did not like the talk of a colostomy bag, so that scared me into watching my diet for a few years and keeping things under as much control as possible. However being in my 20s…. not following up as I should with the follow up appointments has not helped things.

It landed me back in the hospital Friday with advanced diverticulitis and a perforated colon. I am very lucky I could have become septic and things could be so much worse. I am very aware! How lucky I am…. I got 6 rounds of IV antibiotics, I go back in 2 weeks for follow up and surgery once the infection is under control.

My CT scan also showed a mass on my right kidney. There is so much going on with my colon they aren’t focused on this right now.

I tell my clients all the time and family members of support groups… if you dont stop to take care of YOU… how can you give or care for the ones you love? We role model for our loved ones!

As I took off from being at the board of nursing this week to care for my dad, I did not hesitate because it was important. But we were talking in his room one day my dad and mom she was struggling with her guilt over not being at work. We talked about that… our strong work ethic, How my dad tried to get her to go home one night to sleep; and I would stay with him or he even said he would be fine. She refused to leave him. She laughed and reminded him that he was the man that never missed a day of work! Or how I would not leave them at the hospital, or how when things turned…. and I found myself admitted…on Friday…

I found myself struggling, I knew Wednesday night I should have gone to the ER, I waited till my physical appointment with my PCP on Thursday, I didn’t want to miss work on Thursday…. Then Friday… I struggled to get my CT scan… I didn’t want to miss a meeting for work… I left the office for the CT scan so I could make the meeting…. then went back to get the scan…..

Always focused on meeting… someone else’s need… I am not sure it is a selfless thing as much as it is maybe a; distraction! Sometimes there is a motivational factor in knowing someone is counting on you or needing you…. (my clients that was definitely the case when Summer was diagnosed with her AVM & mass and I was dealing with all those surgeries ect… it kept me going so often!)

A way of avoiding what we might not be ready to face, or address within ourselves, ourlives maybe…

But the thing is….

God….
Has this way….
Of eventually…. wearing you down!
And getting your attention.
You can’t avoid your fears!

You can ONLY
Face them!

Eventually…
I am going to get this self care stuff right 😉‼

My Faith….
Has already moved mountains…
Brought me through more obstacles in life than most people have encountered…..
I have never taken the easy path in life….
Stubborn…. that way…. slow learner!
But….
I do learn!
I do adapt!
I do rise above!
This….
Is just another life lesson….

A new chapter is about to begin!

#jenz #jenzphelps #momentslikethese #lettinggo #diverticulitis #kidneymass #perforatedcolon #infection #phototherapy #randomphotoshelpbreakuptheday #healing #selfcare #mindfulness #healthycopingskills #love #emptyyourmind #findingmyjoy #thestruggleisreal #feedmysoul #truth #faith #prevention #earlydectationiskey

It is amazing how the mind will heal the body and spirit when properly attended to…. when you give yourself proper self care, distance, space, and perspective needed…. your soul and body want yo be free and unburdened by the weight of all that baggage you choose to carry about with you!
It’s a beautiful thing in life…
When you learn…
How to lighten your load….
Mentally, emotionally, physically…..
Its just hard and takes a lot of practice and support to keep from picking that baggage back up again!

#healing #selfcare #mindfulness #healthycopingskills #love #emptyyourmind #findingmyjoy #thestruggleisreal #embraceyourself #findingmybliss #livingmybestlife #overlookingmyflaws #lettinggoofthepast #followingmymoralcompass #seekinglifeslessons #gratitude #findingmypeace #jenz #jenzphelps #feedmysoul #beautifullybroken #rebuilt

This!
We talk about ethics, morals, our faith…. we debate, critique, judge or worse…. stand by and do nothing at all!

But what has God called you to do?… and more importantly, are you acting on it? Are you speaking up? When you hear misinformation? Or see someone treated wrongly? Do you stop and offer a helping hand when you can? Or do you…. pass them by?

What will your legacy be?
What seeds will you have sown at the end of your time on this journey in life?

Will anyone remember, how you treated them? And was it kind?….. with love? Was it free of judgement? Unconditionally and uplifting?….
As YOU would want or Hope for when you one day…. Find yourself down on the bottom in need?

Did you show empathy without judgement?

Did you….. Find your purpose in life? And better yet? Have you begun to fill that purpose?……

It’s not too late…. to help someone today, or change your path!

I personally do not believe, we were put on this earth to strive to make a trillion dollars…. I do, however believe we were put here to impact those around us!
To help those in need, within our means!

We are as a collective whole social beings, we need each other…
#ittakesavillage #communitycollaboration #togetherwearestronger (Not my photo credit unknown)

#morningstorm #stormyweather #ourlynchburg #randomphotoshelpbreakuptheday #godscanvas #nobodypaintslikegod #phototherapy #jenzphelps #jenz #feedmysoul #shelter #prespective #countyourblessing #findingmybliss #foodforthought #emptyyourmind #healing #lettinggo
Perspective
I woke up to the sound of the storm…
My first thought was…
I hope my clients that are homeless have shelter… That statement right there, sorta puts all of life into perspective.
No matter, your pain, your hurt, your wounds… Do you have a warm bed?
Did you have a hot meal?
Warm bath this week?
Do you have a roof over your head?
A job to go to?
Then… life isnt quite as bad as it was 1 minute ago…
Right?!
You have tools….
To make things better….
Tools to help you heal you pain,
Get through your hurt…
And
Heal your wounds!
Perspective….
God has a way.. .
Of talking to us .
When we listen!
Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

If you love someone…. set them free, they say!

If it is meant to be….

They will come back to you!

Question is….

Will you, still be, waiting?….

Or

Will you have, evolved….

Beyond them?

Will that window,

Simply have closed?

If so…. guess it was never,

Truly…. meant to BE!

#jenz #jenzphelps #momentslikethese #thestruggleisreal #love #emptyyourmind

CROSSROADS OF PAIN

I thought if I could love you enough in our 40s….
You would love me like you did when we were 16!
The love you showed me, when we were kids!
The friendship we had!
The bond, that carried us through childhood….
I pushed you away…. back then!
I didn’t know what to do with all that love you had to give!
I honestly…. didn’t really understand it!
I wasn’t even sure, I was worthy!
Your friendship…..
Carried me… out of some of my darkest places in life, over the years.
It was the light in your eyes,
The light in your smile,
The warmth from your hugs….
That I clung to!
I never had to say, too many words…
I could always rest assured….
Your eyes… were upon me!
There was such, comfort in that!

I never really felt the loss of you,
Over the years….
I carried you with me…
In my mind, heart, thoughts…
You were never too far away!
There was always, comfort in that.

I always felt I was in your heart!
I never questioned where I stood…
Because you made sure of that!
You always made me a priority….
At least… to my knowledge…
At least …. when I was around!
You made me feel…..
Valued! Unique! Like noone or nothing could ever replace; what we had!
It was ours… and ours alone!

When all the world was going bad!
I always… had that!
You!
My one great, memory!
My one great moment in life!

So why in our 40s….
Did we destroy… the one great thing we had?
The one perfect moment from life untouched from all the chaos life tends to add?
Why now in my 40s…
Am I finally ready to love you….
Yet you… run scared?

Why now in our 40s…
did you reach back out?
Why now in our 40s…
Do we find ourselves no longer able to communicate?
Why now in our 40s….
Does it all become so complicated?

Why now?
Can I no longer feel your presence with me?

Why now?
Do you no longer make time for me?

Why now?
Am I no longer special to you?

Do you have any idea how that kills my spirit?
Do you ?…
When all I can think of and do is put your needs first!

I will never understand the road maps God hands out!
I get he has picked out each individuals finall destination….
But….
Never in my wildest dreams,
Would I imagine the levels of anguish and pain, one would have to endure…
Just to walk there!

I am tired….
I am so tired of hurting!
I am exhausted to be honest!
It never seems to end.

I really don’t understand anymore,
No matter how many times, I read the map….
How many times, I look at the key…
How many times, I stay on the path!
Go off the path, stay true, follow my moral compass, do the right thing, time and time again…….

I find myself……
Right…. back….. here!
Standing
In
The
Crossroads
Of
Pain!

#jenz #jenzphelps #momentslikethese #lettinggo #artistherapeutic #love #hope #faith #lovehurtssometimes #findingmybliss #feedmysoul #findingmyself #thestruggleisreal #embraceyourself #emptyyourmind

I am drowning…..

I am struggling to keep afloat.

You just hit me with a fatal blow!

Yes it is true…

I am human after all!

Hypocrisy, flaws, & all!

I am not perfect!

I never asked you to put me on the glass shelf!

I love how you flipped everything….

Back onto me!

Never once…

Did you…

Own your crap!

I at least was honest!

I could at least admit my flaws!

Own I was wrong!

Admit… I too am human!!!

You say, I have lost myself?

Perhaps that is true!

I lost it somewhere…..

Trying to help you!

I lost myself in completely loving you!

You are absolutely, correct about that!

I heard you…

Loud & clear!

I hear you even when you are silent as a mouse!

I know you….

All to well….

That is why,

It hurts so damn much!

I am drowning….

Over here….

You are just to removed to care!

You felt violated?

How do you think…..

I feel? Still?……..

You have a very narrow view of the world sometimes.

You say, pride is bad, but when I swallow my pride and tell you….

I am bleeding from my soul…..

You turn your back!

When I needed,

That conversation!

You just avoid, deny, deflect…..

I am trying to learn, understand, & heal!

I see everything we once were….

Being ripped to shreds…

Right before my eyes!

I can’t even stop it!

I hate it!!!

Because when all is said & done…..

There is only… one you!

Only… one us….

We have that history!

I hate seeing it…. end this way!!!

#phototherapy #jenzphelps #jenz #feedmysoul #surrender #love #emptyyourmind #hope #faith #friendship #lovehurts #randomphotoshelpbreakuptheday #healingwithin #drowning #emotionalism #emotions

We go through seasons….. in 2017… I was at the height of my weight! I had been in a high stress job for over 10 years, with a stressful work environment. I had been dealing with Summers medical problems, her brain surgeries, doctors appointments, started back college, doubled majored and the bottom left photo was taken my graduation from Liberty on 5-17-2017…. The right lower corner was in 2013. Haley sent me the lower left two photos today… showing me the difference!

I don’t know who that girl is from 2017!

I do however, know how I got here today! A friend, woke me up! He pulled me up from a fog I was living in…. So detached from everything, so focused on work, school…. I was keeping busy to avoid living!

It was my way of coping with the things going on with Summer that I wasn’t able to control!

God has a way of bringing people into our lives, to help us, teach us lessons… we might be focused… thinking WE are helping them!

When in fact….

God is using them… to do miracles; in our lives! I am grateful… for the lessons, life & God bring me…

Even when… often: I struggle to understand his timing of them.

#momentsintime #feedmysoul #truth #faith #love #emptyyourmind #findingmyjoy #selfcare #jenz #jenzphelps #findingmybliss #livingmybestlife #overlookingmyflaws #lettinggoofthepast #followingmymoralcompass #seekinglifeslessons #gratitude #friendship

I fell for every cliche you threw at me… Like some lost love sick puppy!

You will never truly understand the anger I have at myself for that!

The anger that builds in me for you!

They say… you go through stages of grief …. mourning, if you will…

I guess the initial shock… has warn off!

I go from worry…. to anger, at the rate of a mock 2 jet engine taking off!

There’s a fire inside me….

Burning so hot!

It boils….

My veins feel, like molten lava are flowing inside them!

There is a constant movie reel now playing inside my head….

24-7….

Staring…. You!

And the fall out… of your mass self destruction!!!

You scream….

How, not one person cares!

How you feel so shattered inside …

Yet… truth is!

You are this deceptive lighthouse…

Drawing us all in…..

Its everyone around you…. that is broken and shattered…

As we draw in close to reach out… as you pull us in with your lies and deceptions ! Such a tangled web you weave….

How many prey…. Have you caught? In that web of yours?

I should have known better!

I was supposed to be smarter than this!

I knew of you charm… I knew!!!

I watched you… spin your web since we were kids! I knew all the tricks!

You went too far!

My emotions are like the angry sea…..

They just want to lash out at you right now! My spirit & soul just don’t have the heart or energy for it…. it just seems pointless ; to be honest.

Besides…..

What point would there be? The damage done…. has…. been done! You took the most valuable piece of me… My trust…. My Love, my heart! The very thing I have held onto…. You were freely given….. it cost me dearly…. And you…. just!…. discarded anything we built…. that Foundation of friendship… our bond, I thought was so soiled… so strong!

You disregarded it….. as if…. it were a hobby…. you simply got bored with! Tossed aside…. Until… you needed it again ….. Until…… I…. Found out… Until… my eyes were truly opened… to what… my instincts…. knew!

I was always…. living..

In a day dream….. when it came to you!a memory… of our past! That you… have now… trashed!

Today…. was a much needed, s#selfcare, family time and all around Good day!

I realized something today; for the first time in 3 years, you did not enter my thoughts! You did not consume my day, with worry and anguish. I was at peace!

I found joy again, for the first time in a very long time. I smiled, laughed, felt carefree, light hearted throughout an entire day! There were no tears, no heavy sighs, no holding my breath with worry. There was no, anxiety at all! I am starting to like the new version of life, without you!

It was never that… I needed you! It was that… I allowed myself to love you. Love you completely, unconditionally, and without reservations. I trusted you completely… Something I never allowed myself to do before.

Something…. I may, never do again!

Today I realized that, just maybe… we are ALL born, Beautifully Broken…

Perhaps the purpose of life; is as we find our way, we mend those cracks, heal those wounds, and maybe it’s the light inside us that shines through our Broken cracks and pieces, that allows others to find us, perhaps even helping us to heal… mending those cracks…

Those pieces that fall by the way side… maybe… just maybe! They are the missing pieces; that are meant to be found by others, we meet on our journey in life… perhaps!

The fallen pieces… are meant for them?… Maybe God designed it all that way!

Maybe… All the hurt, saddness, anger, pain, and suffering we feel inside; is meant to carve out pieces from ourselves, meant to fall off by the wayside, just waiting,…. Perhaps those pieces… now belong to someone else… Maybe…

Just May…. God; was carving out space… to fill you with something far more beautiful; than we ever imagined!

Perhaps by the end… When all is said and done, all the hurt, pain, suffering, was really just preparing us… For something … Something that will make us whole!

Perhaps…. we truly are… Beautifully Broken ; by Gods own design!

Today…. I left a few pieces…. of my hurt, suffering, & pain…. by the wayside!

I started walking again, on my path…. to becoming…. Whole!

#selfcare #emptyyourmind #findingmyjoy #findingmybliss #livingmybestlife #overlookingmyflaws #lettinggoofthepast #followingmymoralcompass #seekinglifeslessons #healing #lettinggo #healthycopingskills #love #hope #faith #friendship #momentsintime #momentslikethese #makingmemories #family #sisterhood #familytime❤️ #phototherapy #randomphotoshelpbreakuptheday #jenz #jenzphelps #feedmysoul #beautifullybroken

Never Thought I Would Be Here!

I never thought I would find myself here…. in this space in this place in life. NOBODY ever really plans on being here… finding themselves in love with an addict!

Truth is noone ever wakes up; with the life goal or dream of becoming a addict. A person of addiction; substance use disorder…. A disease that reaks havoc on not only the person; the family, loved one, the community, literally impacts everyone and everything around them! The ripple effect is neverending…

There comes a point when you find yourself in so deep; torn between loving them and trying to love yourself that you feel so isolated. You feel you have noone to turn to, to open up to, to talk to! Everyone has an opinion! Often filled with judgement and negative feedback of the addict. The term addict alone has a negative implication! It dehumanizes the person of addiction…. It’s how we use the word! Our friends words; OUR words, carry weight!

I have been to a few support groups; AlaNon, I have openly shared in a few. Some in my own family support group SFAMI sometimes… I found myself gaurded. Limiting myself to what I said, so careful to protect the person I love’s identity. Always so mindful of his family…. so concerned about their welfare… never thinking really about my own! My own mental health, that is… I was however; mindful of my own, position. As someone working in the field of addiction. How will this look? What will; clients think? Let’s be honest… those thoughts did and do run through my head…

But reality is… 1 in 5 are affected by mental illness or addiction! That is reality! There is NO social economic limitation on who or when or what age or race this falls to. So truth is; Why not me?… Right?

I reached out to many when I struggled carrying the burden alone. The words for help sometimes fell flat in my throat! It was too painful to speak of. I felt, if I talked… I myself… would break! (Starting to feel a little too familiar… I think I just went through the mother of all melt downs 17 years in the making… for kot speaking out! On my daughter Summer’s illness her brain surgeries)

I did over the last 3 years reach out to his family for help… 3 different times…

Truth is… THEY weren’t dealing with his behaviors; they had and have no clue! He hasn’t been in contact with them really and has done a good job avoiding them at all costs…. for several years now!

He is great a cloak and dagger! Masking his addiction when neccessary. He has learned over the years; his pride has taught him this!

I actually tried reaching out a few times to his family in several different ways over the last 3 years reaching out for help! All efforts failed!… I felt truth be told… defeated myself!

I don’t blame anyone… I do this for a living… And I myself am lost as how to reach him!

Waiting…. for someone; to be ready for treatment. That is the most painful, gut wrenching thing you will ever do loving some with a Substance use disorder! It will break you in ways, you never knew existed. I have felt pain, deeper than anything I have ever known. I realize this in largely due to the realization that he is my true love! To watch the light that once shined so brightly inside him fade so quickly over the last 3 years!

I can not tell you the last time I saw that sparkle in his eyes! That charm in his grin…. it all faded so fast. Replaced with torment and disparity…. stress and anguish!

I have seen things I can never unsee! Images of him; i thought once were unimaginable! I was never naive to the nature of this disease…. i know it all to well!

I have seen what damage it causes. I grew up watching it destroy homes, marriages, families, sons, daughters, communities… I know this disease!

I was so careful to never get caught up in a relationship with anyone struggling with it! I knew it would win over me every time! If I ever saw a hint of it… I walked away!

You… He! Was… is… my *kryptonite* I was never able to let him fall. I never saw him coming… I never saw the disease attached! He hide it so well…

It smacked me in the face! I thought, I can fix this! I can guide him… lead him back to where he needs to be!

He just needs encouraging, reminding, to be loved… unconditionally!!!

None of that mattered!
None of that changed a thing!
If anything…. it seemed to have added to his sense of shame, guilt
It created a wedge between us;
That never existed before!

My confidant, my lover, my best friend…
Now….
Suddenly…
A stranger… to me!

I see people in his life;
I have never seen before…
People I know are not *friends*
I see the worry and growing stress
On his face…
Time and time again.

His once well built frame…
Now narrowing….
Almost; unrecognizable.

I see multitude of women flowing in and out…
Freely using words of LOVE without any thought or regard!
I think to myself…
They don’t even know what LOVE is!?!

I find myself going through such a range of emotions…
From anger, to rage…. to trying to understand, to pity for these individuals…. to empathy for them as human beings….

But I still find myself digging in… soo protective over him!
Noone understands this of course!
You can’t vent or talk to anyone about this. They don’t seem to relate; or connect to what you are dealing with. In fact they become frustrated, they become uncomfortable, they start changing the conversation, or cutting you off. Worse case… they start trashing him!

Don’t they understand… you still love him? You still feel the way you feel? You have no control over who you love? Did they not listen when you said you have prayed to God about this? Daily? Begging for a resolution?
Did they not hear you say you felt God place this in your heart?
It’s a weight that burns in your chest and on your soul?… I can literally feel when he isn’t doing well! I just know in my gut … like I know my child is in trouble!

We are connected… for whatever reason….. we have that bond!

I know him… I know him better than he knows himself… I see through him; completely… I see through all the chaos… the drugs.. the women… I see his pain! I see his self destruction…. I can almost predict it..

It’s like he is trying to prove a point; but doesn’t even connect the dots to realize it! His self loathing! His sabotaging behavior; how he pushes away anything that truly loves him! Or anything he truly loves! His way of protecting them… His way of protecting himself!

What he does not see… Is how it destroys me! How it kills me inside! How it kills his family… how it hurts them! Not protect any of us! Especially not protecting him!

He try’s to numb and self medicate with drugs and women… trying so desperately to fill empty voids inside himself. He will never be able to fill… Not this way! Not with those women…. not with those drugs! He knows this!!!

Try talking to someone about that! Try opening up to someone about that! It’s not easy…. saying those words outloud…. are not easy!

They cut through you like a jagged knife! That wound; just bleeds…. it never seems to close!

Try holding it together; working in the addiction field! Seeing others grow and get better, try being able to help others…. but NOT the man you love!

That’s a hard pill to swallow!
There’s no class to prepare you for that!
What do you do?

Keep it bottled up inside?
Go to AlaNon? (I did that!)
Helps … some!
But…

The hurt…
The worry…
The pain!
They are all still here!

Each day!
Each night!

Is he safe?
Has he got food? Shelter?
Are those *people* *women* feeding him drugs? Is he getting high?
He is… alive?

I tell family members all the time in the SFAMI group…. you have the power! You can take back control. You set the boundaries!

Two days ago…. I finally, found the courage to block some of the social media access I had to him. I had to, for my own mental health. It was causing me too much anxiety and worry….. seeing the people he was hanging out with. Knowing what they were about!

I don’t know what the answers are… in fact, I know very little! I struggle daily if I am doing the right thing or not. I weigh if I am being fair.

I often find myself praying… For God’s protection of him, to wrap him in his hands… to fill him with his love, to make him feel whole and loved to take away his pain. I often pray… that God’s will is done and not my own, that I have the grace and humility and understanding to accept the outcome of things.

But… for now! God has placed this in my heart… I don’t understand God’s timing…. why he would bring him back into my life … to have me watch him self destruct.

At times… I am not sure my heart can bare it… to be honest!

Journaling helps……

#addictionawareness #mentalillness #addiction #sfami #alanon #feedmysoul #thestruggleidreal #stopthestigma #recoveryworks #recovery #supportgroups #ittakesavillage #togetherwearestronger #addictionrecovery #addictionisadisease #substanceusedisorder #nami #narcanon #12steps #recoverymatters #mentalhealth #jenz #jenzphelps #findingmybliss #healthycopingskills #selfcare

I really am just…… raw!

I feel like honestly, someone pulled out the glass bottom of the floor from underneath me. I could see it all crumbling around me, holes in your stories, your irrational behavior, the patterns that all scream ADDICTION!

I know…. I work in this field, I see it daily. I knew! I just wanted to believe in you! I wanted to believe, you were better than the man standing before me. Than what you were showing me, over and over again. I wanted to believe that the boy I fell in love with. The man I love: still exists!

All the denial and protests; all the times you stood me up, canceled plans, broken promises, just failed to show up! Be true to your word! All the times you Choose drugs, your drug friends, that life, over me! Over us! Over…. treatment, healing, moving on!!!

Yes! Yes….. I know, it’s a disease! I am well aware; I advocate daily to this fact. Yes! I know…. but… you made active choices… time & time again! You are making them still!

You are chosing drugs, to numb your pain, over even trying treatment! Even trying help offered; even being open to it! You are choosing drugs and these drug dealers and your drug using friends….. over me, your family! & a better future for yourself! Over healing….. Don’t you deserve; to heal from your pain? You hold the power to sstart that journey! Only you!!!

Yes, that makes me mad! So mad! It’s one thing, to not understand why you seek out drugs, or need them. But, you know! We have talked about it in great detail. (You are the smartest man I know. Making decisions… Chosing…. to suffer! When you know thare is help… waiting for you!) Its another, to know and just continue down the same path… time & time again…. destroying yourself, & everyone you love!

I will not just sit by and watch you, self destruct, just sit by and watch you…. throw away your life on drugs! On a pity party, about how horrible life is! How noone cares? (Seriously….. ! Do you not see me? Hear my pleas? See the worry? My restless nights?)

Yes, life sucks! It does, you have had some truly horrible things happen to you throughout life! You are resilient! Strong! You have already overcome! You are also the anchor I cling to, but…. lately …. I cannot find you!

Why give in now? ….. I am here…. I have been here!!! Rooting for you! Cheering you on! Supporting you! Fighting along side you…. I want you to win! To overcome this battle…. I know you can.

But what I see…. is a man that acts like he has given up! Like he has no choice! When in fact He is hanging on by a thin thread…. ironically…… a spider’s web, is one of the finest threads spun…. yet: also the strongest!

Isn’t the sheer act of hanging on by a thin thread… even as fine as a spider’s web…. the definition of; (Fighting! Hanging on!)….?

You have choices! Many choices! You just keep choosing the same, tired; endless path!

You are not done yet! You are however…. lost! Lost as hell!.surrounded by the wrong people!!!

How many times do you need to hear me say this? 50? Or 48?….. You choose!

I need you to wake up, before it’s too late! You keep waiting for something?… what exactly are you waiting on?

You do know…. I can yell, scream, talk, pray, love you unconditionally, be mad, detach, walk away….. I can do all those things…… but none of them..

Bring you back….

To me!

None of them…. bring you out of the darkness, out of the hurt & pain!

It kills me…. I see you hurting, suffering….. I feel it to my core!

I don’t know what else to do…. but I do know this! I will not…. do you hear me…?

I will NOT…. be caught up, in that tangled web of suffering you are so hell bent on clinging onto!

My path…. I choose, I have chosen; is full of hope! You might be the Love of my Life! My True Love!…

But I will not!

Be apart of that tangled mess you have created! A web of lies, deceit, life filled of drugs & chaos with no end in sight. All because…. A stubborn goat! Choose not to change!

A wise man… once posted:

I am still…. rooting for you and hoping… you see the light soon! Time…. is slipping away from you.

#addictionawareness #mentalillness #addiction #sfami #alanon #feedmysoul #truth #faith #love #emptyyourmind #thestruggleisreal #embraceyourself #findingmybliss #livingmybestlife #overlookingmyflaws #lettinggoofthepast #followingmymoralcompass #recovery #addictionrecovery #stopthestigma #healing #selfcare #mindfulness #healthycopingskills #lovehurts #painoflovinganaddict #addictiondestroyseveryoneittouches #lovingyouisnteasy #jenz #jenzphelps #momentslikethese

I didn’t expect to cry at work today!

So yeah, that happened… If you know me even a little, you know I keep everything in. My kids don’t even see me cry… I think it’s because as a single mom, you feel you have to always be strong; hold everything together, everyone is depending on you! I was caught off gaurd today. I attended a case manager retreat for work. It started off with a motivational speaker! She was peppy, zinging but what I never saw coming as she talked; was my long overdue meltdown that was about to literally smack me in the face!
She started telling a story of her own, sons experience with a medical trauma. I had never hear those words put together like that before. We. Talk about life trauma, childhood trauma, sexual trauma….. but…. *medical trauma*… Those words just sorta stung each time she said them.

She went on to share about her son’s experience as an infant and how he got sick with the H1N1 Flu and was taken to the hospital. How he almost died, how she stood by him and stayed with him. How the doctor came back to check on him the next day, thinking he would not make it through the night.

As she told this story, I had to dig my nails into my knee to keep my composure during her lecture. I silently wiped away the tears from my eye that kept trying to sneak away.

I felt stuck, trapped… In the middle of my co-workers; paralyzed unable to escape…. I was fortunate enough to be sitting beside one co-worker that actually knew me & Summer and what we had been through. She knew the moment the lady started talking about her infant son, this wasn’t going to be easy for me to hear. She turned to me a few times, checking in on me… even asking if I was ok.

Several times, I scanned the room trying to plot my escape. How could I leave without being noticed? Because I knew as soon as someone made eye contact with me, I was going to lose it.

Finally, she ended her lecture! My co-worker asked me if I was going to be ok? I said, “No, I need to leave”. She shook her head in understanding and said “which way are you going to go?” I was literally sitting in the middle of a row. I pointed to the path of least resistance, grabbing my things and headed directly to the bathroom.

I hurried grabbing some tissues as I walked into the room. Tears had started to flow freely by this time. I hurried into a stall, so noone could see me, and just stood there. I tried to compose myself, the harder I tried, the more I broke down. Other women now started coming into the bathroom, as I stood silently holding back my sobs.

The tissues I grabbed on the way in, had been used, now having to reach for toilet tissue to wipe up tears. Biting my lip, to keep from crying out loud, trying to deep breathe… Again the more I tried to suppress my emotions, the more emotional I became!

I just kept grabbing more toliet tissue, and yet more! These tears… just will not stop! I felt myself becoming angry. Angry at myself for showing emotions! And why now?! I mean, Summer is 17! We have overcome all of this; haven’t we? I take a few deep breaths, one last time wipe my tears, blow my nose. Walk out and splash water on my face and try to dig in my purse to see what makeup I have to fix the problem I have created!

I am after all at a work event, with my colleagues and it isn’t even noon yet! I gotta pull it together.

I walk out and down the hall, people are lined up for lunch. I try to avoid eye contact, feeling they can see through me. When I look up once or twice, I can tell no makeup can hide the pain and hurt in your eyes.

I walk to the front to a quiet area away from everyone, thinking I just need to pull it together. All I can hear is the speaker saying *medical trauma*… It’s like a movie reel starts going off inside your head that you can’t stop! Not the beautiful best motion picture kind, but the twisted twilight zone version. Flashes of all your most terrifying memories and moments being relived in what seems like such a vivid nanosecond.

I feel the tears start welling back up, a tightness over my chest. Its hard to breathe now. I pray noone comes around the corner. I felt frozen. I try to relax, start rubbing my neck as a co-worker walks in through the door. She notices, something is wrong, or thinking I have a headache she graciously offers me some ibuprofen. I smile and politely decline with as little verbal communication as possible because one utterance of a syllable and the flood gates are going to explode!

I breathe some more, try to clear my head. I am supposed to be helping with acudetox groups this afternoon…. seriously! I have no time for this! All I can think of is the woman from this morning saying how her son had experienced a *medical trauma* he was a 7 week old infant. All I think was all the time I had to hold Summer down on a MRI table or OR table because the surgeon’s called me back to do so; so they could get an IV in her or gas mask on her for a procedure.

As she talked about the nurse that helped her son that had just recently been trained in how to work with infants of trauma. She talked of holding him, and soothing him. I just lost it. As I felt my. Chest tightening, my breathing deepened, as another
colleague walked through the door her eyes caught mine, the look on her face went from happy to see me; quickly to concern. I just smiled nodding her on her way.

Funny thing about the human body, we never know how it will react to things. I kept thinking, how could that speaker get up there and tell that story today and not be emtional?! I almost got mad about it. Before I could really finish that thought, my colleague that was running the acudetox group that I was supposed to be helping later walked back by and stopped to check on me. She sensed I wasn’t ok earlier as she walked in and I tried to briefly explain that the speaker, (when I went to try to find my words, once again: they left me) had hit a nerve with her presentation. My colleague graciously offered me a hug, and to come back to the acudetox room for privacy if needed. I thanked her but graciously declined. Unable to be touched out of fear I would completely break down.

I knew at this point, whatever happened this morning. Whatever that speaker said that triggered this emotional chain reaction within the deepest parts of my soul. The parts I have been pushing down and pushing down for so long. Trying to just pretend they don’t exist. Well, guess what!? That lady stuck oil today! There’s an oil spill with my name all over it; it’s about to get messy today.

There’s just no coming back from that. I finally managed to reach down find my phone, text my boss.
[Hey…. I cant stay… that was too much .. her story little too close to home hit a nerve and I am a emotional mess … ]

I managed to compose myself once again. I walked down the hall seeking out my colleague and the acudetox room. I walk in she was in mid conversation, I smiled trying to hold it together. I politely wait for the conversation to end. I try searching for my words. It’s funny how something as basic as simple speech leaves you when your emotions override your brain!
I feel my eyes well up as I try to push out the words. I….. (shake my head)
I….. can’t…. (shaking my head)….. she comes over concerned. She has such a healing nature about her, offers a hug , i accept this time. I manage to blurt out the words, ‘her story was too close, Summer had a lot of medical problems”; was as far as I got before the tears poured into my eyes. It’s like I was willing them into place, forbidding them to flow freely. She offered me a acudetox treatment, thinking it would help, I declined, the idea of being touched, of being hugged, of being vulnerable around people at that moment was more than I could handle. I told her I just needed to leave . She asked if I was ok to drive. I told her, under my breath holding back tears; “I really just need to go break down in my car, then go home”. I handed her a bracelet that i had remembered to return for another colleague and left as quickly and discreetly as possible.
I smiled when I encountered coworkers, trying to avoid eye contact when possible. I focused on my breathing, trying to hold back the tears.

That lasted till I reached the, corner curb of the street. My eyes could hold back the watery fluid no more. I felt a steady flow down my cheeks, as I hurried to the car. By the time I reached the door of my car, I heard a sobbing sound; it startled me when I realized it was coming from myself.
I quickly opened the door and got into the car and just sat there.

I sat there, in my car, in the parking lot for an hour crying, sobbing, uncontrollably just feeling this sense of weeping, sense of grief, sense of flooding of emotions. I sat in my car, cut on the air conditioning, literally paralyzed… unable to move. Unable to text, drive, speak. Just stuck. There in that car with all those emotions, all those years of suppressed tears flowing like a oil well that has been struck for the very first time, stuck there in the car.

All I could do was see glimpses of moments from different events, first time I heard the words *Ms. Phelps I am sorry, your daughter has pineal cytoma, there’s nothing we can do, we made her an appointment at UVA; but with this, these cases we see , I am so sorry usually 3 to 6 months to live*

Flash forward

Ms Phelps, it’s not actually pineal cytoma, we aren’t really sure, but we think she has two separate things going on, AVM at the vein of Galen and an arachnoid cyst of the pineal gland.

Flash Forward

Ms Phelps there are just so many things about th brain we just don’t know. We need to wait for science to catch up. We will just monitor her for now and hopefully in a few years, we will have better knowledge and tools to operate.

Flash

Ms Phelps 90% of brain tumors are frontal lobe tumors. Your daughter’s is in the middle of the brain on top of the brain stem. That makes things much more difficult to operate.

Flash

Mrs Phelps we need you to come back to the OR with us please, she’s fighting us, we need you to hold her down so we can put the gas mask on her.

Flash

Ms Phelps I am sorry, the surgery didn’t go as well as I had hoped, I wasn’t able to get all the mass. It’s a sticky membrane so we couldn’t just remove it, it would pull other vital brain tissue. I was able to make a small hole in the membrane for the fluid to leak out.

Flashforward

Ms Phelps I don’t know why she is continuing to have headaches and seizure episodes there is so much about the brain we just don’t know

Flash
Ms Phelps there is a new procedure we can go in through the femoral artery up to the brain and inject this glue like substance to close off her AVM.

Flash

Ms Phelps there is a chance she won’t make it through the surgery. Have you considered this?

Flash

*I remember having a conversation with my mother, she asked me if I had thought about what I would do if I God forbid, I have to bury Summer. I had recently moved my church membership from my home church to Timberlake UMC where Summer was christened. It never once crossed my mind of course, I said well, My Comfort the family cemetery of course, she reminded me that I had moved my membership. What a morbid thing to have to even contemplate. The very last thing anyone should or wants to think of before having a surgery to preserve life! Is planning for death… I remember being angry with her for making me think of this!
Then I remembered…. my mother lost a child, she knew what it was to bury an infant. She was trying to prepare me. I quickly requested to have my membership changed back to Mt Comfort before the surgery. That has stuck with me to this day!

So as I sat sobbing and crying for an hour in my car. Slowly I started to feel some relief. I guess truth be told; for over 17 years I have just held it all in. Trying to pretend I was OK, strong,

I purposely threw myself into my job, focusing on clients with high needs, at risk population. I would tell myself see, yeah I know I am dealing with a lot… but see, it’s not that. OR I often felt God was testing me, and if I help others, just do his work, see the good in others. He would heal Summer.

I always prayed…. that if things had turned out differently…. I prayed that I hoped I would be grateful for the time given! Never bitter or angry.

That has stayed with me. Time is such a valuable gift! Most people value money, but time is the true gift of value. How you spend that time with the ones you love….. that is what matters in the world!

Everything else….. is just…. well less…

So today… at work, I cried! But, maybe….. I also healed a little too.

I should add that my story ends with a happy ending for those that don’t know it. My daughter has overcome every obstacle thrown in her path. She is 17 and beautiful and has some on going medical problems we manage however she is the definition of RESILIENCE!

She is my miracle! Our true gift from God Summer Grace… *Grace + love & mercy Gift from God*

This is her back to school selfie 1st day of 11th grade! We are very blessed.

#overcoming #emotions #tears #pain #love #hope #faith #lovehurtssometimes #phototherapy #jenzphelps #jenz #feedmysoul #emptyyourmind #findingmyjoy #selfcare #mindfulness #healthycopingskills #healing #mentalhealthawarenes ##mentalhealth #sfami #horizonbh #momentsintime #momentslikethese #lettinggo #yeahsothishappened #medicaltrauma #ptsd #childhoodtrauma